It’s Official: I’ve Become a Prude

No self-respecting “Internet Blog” can resist chiming in on a subject more tired than Lindsay Lohan’s pussy: teen sex. The basis of the rant-to-come is this article where it’s claimed that young girls are more promiscuous today because they learned about sex from watching Sex and the City. The article takes great pains to say “Sex and the City can’t be blamed for creating a generation of sluts” then goes on to quote a bunch of girls who say Sex and the City turned everyone of their generation into a bunch of sluts. Way to take a stand ABCNews!

But before anyone tries to lynch “Carrie and Big,” I have some news for you: Sex and the City is the least of your concerns. ABCNews failed to follow up on the point but if Sex and the City created a Generation of Sluts, then the parents of today better get ready for a Millenium of Sluts. Castigate Sex and the City all you want but its the blandly named shows like “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” that’re teaching your daughter about making and selling porn. And that’s not the half of it.

Take Tila Tequila’s show on MTV. If her pornesque name alone didn’t clue you in — the male equivalent would be something like “Buck Strongthrust” — her MySpace page should. Tila Tequila is a mediocre looking Asian-American girl who found fame by posting half-nude pics of her massively enhanced self on her page. That’s it. That’s the resume. No, this is the resume:

Tila Tequila
Address: http://www.myspace.com/tilatequila

Education: Hi School
Work: No.
Experience: Slutty pics on Myspace. Big Boobs. Work out lots. Pouty.

That’s literally it. She doesn’t sing, she doesn’t act, she does nothing but look at the camera and pout. She’s Manga come to life; tiny and asian and boobed and meaningless. Until I saw her on MTV I assumed the only words she knew were “oooooooh!” or [squeal!]. (Turns out she also knows “haaht!”). But because there is no porn quite like free porn, shitloads of horny kids hit her site to look at her pictures and, I assume, masturbate. Naturally MTV — never ones to let a “trend” go unexploited — gave her a show. Thus was born…whatever the fuck the name of her stupid show is, I can’t remember. If you’re wondering how something like that can happen, this transcription of the call that led to her show might shed some light:

[Phone Rings]
Tila Tequila: Gretchen here.
MTV Exec: Hi, I’m trying teach Tila.
Tila Tequila: Oh did I say “Gretchen”? I meant “Tila.” Oopsies!
MTV Exec: This is MTV. We heard you are very talented and want to put you on a show.
Tila Tequila: Are you talking about how I let people see my big boobs?
MTV Exec: Yes! Exactly! Can you do that on MTV?

Tila Tequila: Sure.MTV Exec: One question: Are you a lesbian?Tila Tequila: Well I tried to make a guy jealous once by making out with a girl and I once pushed my boobs up against anothergirl’s boobs.
MTV Exec: Good enough.
Tila Tequila: Yay!

Anyway, she got the show. It’s called Tila Tequila Squeals and Pouts and Acts Interested (something like that). The premise involves watching a group of guys and girls plot and scheme and fight to be Tila’s “True Love.” Tila’s only role is to titter and pout and try to cull “True Love” from a pool of fools deluded enough to think “Tila Tequila” would be a nice lady to bring home to Mom. It’s a pretty easy gig for the daughter of Chang and Chou Tequila; the only challenge being to pretend she “loves people, not their gender.” Lipstick lesbian? Tila lika! Buff Russian dude? Dah! Skinny rocker guy? Tila loves rock! Butchey dike with a shaved head? Let’s lick! Gangsta-ish Black guy? Haaht!

There’s only one problem with this so-called “reality show”…

It’s fake.

Saying a “Reality TV Show” is fake isn’t exactly novel. But TT’s Cleavage Hour takes “fake” to heights unseen. It’s not just that Tila is lying about being a lesbian (she’s not one) or that she’s lying about her search for “true love” (hard to do a sequel if she marries one of the dudes), it’s that the show completely lies about one of the most important of human interactions: Sex. Say what you want about Sex and the City but at least the relationships were someone realistic. Carrie suffered through an embarrassing string of relationships as she pined for her one true love. Miranda was an accomplished lawyer who wrestled with whether she could love a simple bartender. The dark-haired one with the pretty face married a dude who couldn’t get it up. And even Samantha — aka, the “slutty one” — dealt with a myriad of physical and emotional complications. Was the show inappropriate for kids? Probably. But The Tila Show is so blase about sex it’s inappropriate for adults.

Most adults can watch the show and see it’s bullshit. Kids can’t. Like it or not, the ABCNews article is right about one thing: kids learn life lessons from TV. But whereas the lessons learned by our generation — such as the “function” of a “conjunction” — were relatively benign, the lessons learned from shows like this are positively disturbing. Remember when “Cousin Oliver” taught us the economics of running a lemonade stand? Kim Kardashian taught your little Winnie Whiskey the economics of “accidentally” releasing her porn vid. Remember how Jan and Peter both struggled with being awkward and different? Tila and Friends taught your little Gina Gin how to overcome an ugly face with fake boobs and tit shots. Remember how Marcia learned the “Big Man on Campus” wasn’t worth pursuing? Bret Michaels showed precious angel Vikki Vodka he’s entitled to a dick suck.

I’m a Democrat and a liberal and I believe in free speech but Enough. If we accept the premise that an R-Rated, late-night, premium-channel-only show like Sex and the City had a profoundly negative influence on a generations’ sexuality, we must assume the far more reprehensible “Shot of Love with Tila Tequila” will be even more harmful.

Besides, she’s not all that hot anyway.

The Daily Punk (March 19, 2008 Edition)

The Daily Punk

March 19, 2008

(DMX Inspired Ignorance is Bliss Edition)

1.  DMX is Ignorant

DMX is interviewed by XXL Magazine and admits that he hasn’t heard of Barack Obama.  He then goes into a giggle fit about the name “Barack” (ignoring the fact that “DMX’s” real name is “Earl”) and says a black President won’t make any difference because the “world is over.”  I gave my take on this here.  The XXL Magazine link is right … oh it’s back there, it slipped out.

2. McCain is Way Ignorant

Hey a rapper has no responsibility to be up on the haps.  A Presidential Candidate?  Yeah, I think he’s got a duty. McCain told reporters that Iran was training al Qaeda fighters and sending them into Iraq.  This is incorrect of course.  Iran is Shiite and Al Qaeda is Sunni and the two groups aren’t exactly “the best of buds”:

Pressed to elaborate, McCain said it was “common knowledge and has been reported in the media that al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran, that’s well known. And it’s unfortunate.”

Wonkette.

3.  Hillary Not Ignorant So Much, Just a Follower

Obama representative Dan Kurtzer spoke to a United Jewish Communities (UJC) Meeting to discuss their positions.  Kurtzer was asked about some past statements made by Barack:

Obama asserted that he needn’t have a “Likud view” — that of Israel’s right-wing party — to be pro-Israel. Kurtzer explained that Obama wanted to see a “plurality of views.” Silence in the room.

Then Hillary’s representative, Ann Lewis, was asked what she thought:

“The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties,” Lewis said.

The audience members applauded.

Great.  The role of the United States President is to rubber stamp whatever the Israeli Government says.  That’s leadership for you.

4.  Audrina of the Hills Ignorantly Thinks She’s Hot; Poses Nude

Lauren’s friend Audrina posed nude in an effort to jump start her “modeling” career.  I’m not really into posting nude photos on here so I’ll give you the fuzzed out miniature version.  Trust me, she’s really not good looking.

Of course I’m giving you the link, calm down little friend.

5.  Kristen Davis Did Some Nude Shots

Kristen Davis of Sex and the City wanted to be cool like the younger kids and have the nude pics so she let her boyfriend take some shots.  “We’re in love,” she exclaimed, “he would never release these to the media!”

Love. Exciting and New. Come aboard. We weren’t actually expecting you but that’s fine.

6.  Crappy Chinese Toilet Practices

You’d think the Chinese would have done a little research on this but, at the newly built Olympic sites, they installed “squat toilets.” If you’ve ever had the pleasure to avail yourself of this particularly nasty device you will cancel your tickets to Beijing now.

See? It’s a hole in the floor. You squat over it. Then you crap. Then you wish you’d stayed at home and watched the Olympics on NBC.

7.  Mel Brooks Collection

I wouldn’t call this ignorant, more ridiculous, but I love Blazing Saddles.  It’s one of the funniest movies ever made. I watched it two weeks ago and it’s still good.

So I saw on my little Amazon widget that today’s special sale item of the day is the Mel Brooks Collection: Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, History of the World Part I, High Anxiety, Robinhood Men in Tights, Silent Movie, To Be or Not to Be, and Twelve Chairs.

It’s on sale today only from $99 to $41.99.

The Mel Brooks Collection

8.  Billy Preston, the “Black Beatle”

I stayed on this random Beatles knowledge thing and found out that the “Black Beatle” from yesterday’s post is named Billy Preston.  His is, if you care, a fascinating story.  Then I decided I had to watch this clip of Billy Preston playing My Sweet Lord, the George’s Harrison 70’s hit (which was actually released by Preston first).

You need to watch this.  For one, it’s an interesting version of a great song.  For two, that dude playing bass is Urkel’s Father.

9.  Huckabee Defends Obama and Jeremiah Wright

Huckabee unexpectedly offers his take on the Jeremiah Wright situation. He’s absolutely right:

[Y]ou can’t hold the candidate responsible for everything that people around him may say or do.  It’s interesting to me that there are some people on the left who are having to be very uncomfortable with what … Wright said, when they all were all over a Jerry Falwell, or anyone on the right who said things that they found very awkward and uncomfortable, years ago. Many times those were statements lifted out of the context of a larger sermon. Sermons, after all, are rarely written word for word by pastors like Rev. Wright, who are delivering them extemporaneously, and caught up in the emotion of the moment. There are things that sometimes get said, that if you put them on paper and looked at them in print, you’d say ‘Well, I didn’t mean to say it quite like that.’

More importantly, he (kind of) defended the anger of Rev. Wright too:

As easy as it is for those of us who are white to look back and say ‘That’s a terrible statement!’ … I grew up in a very segregated South. And I think that you have to cut some slack — and I’m gonna be probably the only conservative in America who’s gonna say something like this, but I’m just tellin’ you — we’ve gotta cut some slack to people who grew up being called names…

10.  Utterly Un-Ignorant

I’m in a coffee shop.  Two old guys are sitting in front of me, reading the paper, drinking coffee, being old.  They are talking about typical old man stuff: one guy was ranting about “gypsies.”  Another talked about how we was wearing a sweater today in honor of Mr. Rogers’ 80th Birthday.  I mean — POW — old man talk.

Then one mentioned Obama.  I figure, oh here it comes.

“I think Hillary’s an okay gal,” Old Guy One said.

“Yeah she’s alright,” says Old Guy Two.

“But I think that Barack Obama is a real leader, a statesman,” OGO said.

“Yup, he’s just what this Country needs,” OGT replies.

What?!

So I glance up to see what these guys look like.  As promised, one is wearing a goddamned sweater.  The other, however, is facing me so I can check him out more.  He’s bald, he’s got the Gorton Fisherman sailor beard, suspenders.  It’s like he picked up the “Old Man” Halloween costume at Target.

But, affixed to his chest is perhaps the largest “Obama” button I’ve ever seen.

Very cool.