I started a new blog, just in case there’s a human alive still checking this site. Old Man Words. Your guide to the nonsense that old people say.
In addition to not updating this blog at all I been busy reading Vanity Fair. I ran across this picture of Paul Newman wearing this jacket. I decided I needed this jacket. But I have no clue what it’s called or where I’d find such a thing. If you know, please leave a comment would you? Sucker is fly.
I have a snoopy friend who is trying to find this website. To ensure that she knows she’s here when she arrives I’ve decided to post a YouTube clip of an old favorite of mine: Diana Ross. (Apropos, really). Singing the love theme from the horrific movie Mahogany. This clip confirms two things:
a. You Found Me.
b. I Like Shitty Music.
I’m in a goddamn bad mood today — don’t ask — and not interested in coddling your little “I’m bored” motherfuckin asses. That’s why I’m running some shit to mirror my mood. Check it out assholes, it’s time for
The Daily Punk
(July 29, 2008 Edition)
1. Fucking Belding
Goddamn Belding. Bad enough he assisted in A.C. Slater’s plan to bone the entire population of hotties in Los Angeles, now he’s apparently decided to finish off the rest. Leave some ladies for the mortals Belding, you son of a bitch.
2. Senator Stevens Indicted
Naturally. Even more naturally, Fox News labels him a — wait for it — Democrat. ARGHGGHG.
Nice editorial standards, he’s only the longest tenured Senator, that’s all.
3. Can We Stop Calling Crap Like This “Creative Accounting”?
Yesterday, the White House said the deficit will balloon to $490 billion next year. Oops, turns out that number was wrong. The Bush Administration “bean counters” “fergot” to turn in a couple a receipts. Lessee here, looks like we got a bill from the unemployment office. What’s this, an invoice from Medicare? Shoot! Oh and maybe we should have totaled in the cost of the War.
The worst part about this is the euphemism employed by ABCNews. They call it “creative accounting.” Creative accounting is when your Uncle manages to deduct the cost of his Playboy subscription as a “motivational business expense.” Leaving out $110 billion of expenses isn’t creative accounting, it’s:
a. A Lie. Or
b. “Shitty Accounting.”
Of course shitty accounting is par for the course from this Presidency.
The Sultan of the Party of Personal Responsibility — ever indignant — blames the Democrats. Yup, they did it! Which is asinine since the Democrats have only been in control of Congress for about 14 months. They work quick, them liberals do. The Democrats weren’t the ones who cut taxes of course. Heck no! Democrats love taxes. And, of course, the GOP is the one who started this six year War. Them pussies? Course not! And, small government or not, Bush is responsible for increasing the bulk of the bureaucracy. Snooping don’t happen on its own ya’ dummy. But, you know, it’s the Democrats fault. Yup.
Question for the laity: Name one domestic problem facing this Country — and there are many — that Bush has taken responsibility for. (
(Notice I didn’t put a question mark there. That’s because there are no examples to find, don’t bother. I tried.).
Oh, FYI, looks like the deficit is even higher than I said. It’s $789 billion. If you hang around for an hour or so maybe we can make it a trill.
4. Fanboy is Now a Word
We’re getting dumer bi the minit. Lik.
You heard the story of Arnel Pineda? He was a homeless kid in the Phillipines when the newly reformed power-ballad band Journey “found” him on YouTube (check out the video they watched here). Flat out, the dude could sing him some Journey. So they traveled overseas and plucked him out of the Pilipine slums like some latter day Oliver Twist. He didn’t say “jolly good” or anything like that though, he was like “why you tease me? You no Journey. Where guy with big hair?”
Point is the guy can sing. He isn’t just as good as Steve Perry (the “big hair” original singer who for whatever reason believes he is better off sitting on his ass rather than out making millions touring with Journey), he’s better. Here’s a little comparison using my favorite Journey song “Stone in Love” as the proving grounds.
Steve Perry Version
Arnel Pineda Version
Granted, Perry prevails in the awesomely rad hair and rockin’ animal tee elements but, for every other category, I’m going Pineda baby).
I started looking up propaganda on the Internets and came across a few bizarre ones I couldn’t figure out. So I made up my own interpretation of what they mean. Enjoy.
In Russia they didn’t have money for balls and bases and hoops so they invented their own sports. Like this little barn-burner: Giant cookie rolling.
“Look Comrade! Your little Vladimir’s cookie is stuck in ravine! My Constantina’s cookie has crossed field and ran into Ox! She is most glorious patriot!”
The Message: Play With Your Food Before You Eat It
I think this is a promotion for the zoo. The only real question is whether they’re getting the wildlife drunk or having the animals serve shots. Russians loved taking on impossible challenges like learning monkeys how to fly in space or training dogs to walk on their hind legs so I figure a shot pounding rhino isn’t far off the mark.
The Message: Animals? Boring. Drunken Animals? DAH!
I can only surmise that the Russians thought feeding kids massive infusions of borscht would cause them to grow into ginormous temperamental terrors that would wreak havoc on Capitalist Swine while invoking enough “cute-factor” to keep them from being killed. All in all, a brilliant plan.
The Message: Destroy Enemy of Glorious Mother Russia with Chubby Baby!
I haven’t done a lot of China-travelin’ so was surprised to learn the Country is packed with giant fish so docile they’ll let a chubby baby climb on their back. What capitalist pig wouldn’t run in terror from a carp-riding fat ass?
The Message: We Will Kill Imperialist Swine on the Back of Fishes!
5. Bear Meat Tastes Better With French’s
This is an advertisement, so not technically propaganda. But it’s weird. From the packaging it looks like the mascot is a bear. But, if so, why are they shooting him? Would Frosted Flakes run an ad featuring Tony in a tiger-cage? Would McDonalds show Ronald eating Mayor McCheese? Probably not.
The Message: Bear Tastes Better with Slutskaya Beet Chutney!
I woulda thought these are anti-drinking posters but, to me, this looks like a party. Hot babushka cradling a giant bottle of wine? What up Svetlana. And in all my days of drinking I’ve never had fun like that.
The Message: Life in Russia Sucks. Drink, Comrade.
It looks like this babushka is washing her naked breast with a cotton swab. Was there an epidemic of bad smelling boobs in Russia or something? Cause that’s yet another fact left out of my history book.
The Message: Clean The Boobs Babushka!
8. Hey I Thought These Guys Were Our Allies!
I’ll never forget that time when Japan fought the British and Roosevelt took the opportunity to surreptitiously steal Australia. Unfortunately he forgot to wear sunscreen and was so badly burnt the Aussies were able to steal it back. SO CLOSE!
The Message: Bloody Berks Stole Our Sub-Continent!
9. And You Thought Spanking Was Bad…
While Americans spent the last 30 years putting their spoiled brats in “timeouts,” the Chinese were teaching their youths how to commit motherfuckin’ murder.
The Message: We really don’t want to get into a war with these guys.
10. The Europeans Are Ocean Devils
This is from 1839 — making it the oldest Propaganda work I found — and is entitled Europeans Are Ocean Devils. It depicts a “European” (as evidence by the three fingers and scaly skin) breathing fire.
Which, as everyone knows, is accurate.
The Message: Europeans Breath Fire But Have No Genitals.
Folks’ve been waiting for Axl Rose to release Chinese Democracy for about fifteen years. They wasted their time. Evidently some blogger got his hands on the album and posted a few of the songs on his site. It was shut down in a few hours but the cat was — REEEROOOR! — out of the bag. Now those songs are on the Intertubes; spreading like some horrific disease.
And I do mean horrific. There’s a reason Axl hasn’t released this shit. Because it is shit. Take a listen. Pay particular attention to “Madagascar” in which Axl once again repeats the infamous line from Civil War/Cool Hand Luke: “what we got here is failure to communicate.”
Yes, Axl, that is what we have here. But, you know, some men you just can’t reach.
Second: If The World
The absurd Internet-oddity of the day is Star Wars Dance Off. If you think you know what this is going to be and don’t feel the need to watch HOW WRING YOU ARE!!! The first act alone is worth the price of admission: it features an amazing rendition of Footloose danced by Chewbacca and a Jawa.