No self-respecting “Internet Blog” can resist chiming in on a subject more tired than Lindsay Lohan’s pussy: teen sex. The basis of the rant-to-come is this article where it’s claimed that young girls are more promiscuous today because they learned about sex from watching Sex and the City. The article takes great pains to say “Sex and the City can’t be blamed for creating a generation of sluts” then goes on to quote a bunch of girls who say Sex and the City turned everyone of their generation into a bunch of sluts. Way to take a stand ABCNews!

But before anyone tries to lynch “Carrie and Big,” I have some news for you: Sex and the City is the least of your concerns. ABCNews failed to follow up on the point but if Sex and the City created a Generation of Sluts, then the parents of today better get ready for a Millenium of Sluts. Castigate Sex and the City all you want but its the blandly named shows like “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” that’re teaching your daughter about making and selling porn. And that’s not the half of it.

Take Tila Tequila’s show on MTV. If her pornesque name alone didn’t clue you in — the male equivalent would be something like “Buck Strongthrust” — her MySpace page should. Tila Tequila is a mediocre looking Asian-American girl who found fame by posting half-nude pics of her massively enhanced self on her page. That’s it. That’s the resume. No, this is the resume:

Tila Tequila
Address: http://www.myspace.com/tilatequila

Education: Hi School
Work: No.
Experience: Slutty pics on Myspace. Big Boobs. Work out lots. Pouty.

That’s literally it. She doesn’t sing, she doesn’t act, she does nothing but look at the camera and pout. She’s Manga come to life; tiny and asian and boobed and meaningless. Until I saw her on MTV I assumed the only words she knew were “oooooooh!” or [squeal!]. (Turns out she also knows “haaht!”). But because there is no porn quite like free porn, shitloads of horny kids hit her site to look at her pictures and, I assume, masturbate. Naturally MTV — never ones to let a “trend” go unexploited — gave her a show. Thus was born…whatever the fuck the name of her stupid show is, I can’t remember. If you’re wondering how something like that can happen, this transcription of the call that led to her show might shed some light:

[Phone Rings]
Tila Tequila: Gretchen here.
MTV Exec: Hi, I’m trying teach Tila.
Tila Tequila: Oh did I say “Gretchen”? I meant “Tila.” Oopsies!
MTV Exec: This is MTV. We heard you are very talented and want to put you on a show.
Tila Tequila: Are you talking about how I let people see my big boobs?
MTV Exec: Yes! Exactly! Can you do that on MTV?

Tila Tequila: Sure.MTV Exec: One question: Are you a lesbian?Tila Tequila: Well I tried to make a guy jealous once by making out with a girl and I once pushed my boobs up against anothergirl’s boobs.
MTV Exec: Good enough.
Tila Tequila: Yay!

Anyway, she got the show. It’s called Tila Tequila Squeals and Pouts and Acts Interested (something like that). The premise involves watching a group of guys and girls plot and scheme and fight to be Tila’s “True Love.” Tila’s only role is to titter and pout and try to cull “True Love” from a pool of fools deluded enough to think “Tila Tequila” would be a nice lady to bring home to Mom. It’s a pretty easy gig for the daughter of Chang and Chou Tequila; the only challenge being to pretend she “loves people, not their gender.” Lipstick lesbian? Tila lika! Buff Russian dude? Dah! Skinny rocker guy? Tila loves rock! Butchey dike with a shaved head? Let’s lick! Gangsta-ish Black guy? Haaht!

There’s only one problem with this so-called “reality show”…

It’s fake.

Saying a “Reality TV Show” is fake isn’t exactly novel. But TT’s Cleavage Hour takes “fake” to heights unseen. It’s not just that Tila is lying about being a lesbian (she’s not one) or that she’s lying about her search for “true love” (hard to do a sequel if she marries one of the dudes), it’s that the show completely lies about one of the most important of human interactions: Sex. Say what you want about Sex and the City but at least the relationships were someone realistic. Carrie suffered through an embarrassing string of relationships as she pined for her one true love. Miranda was an accomplished lawyer who wrestled with whether she could love a simple bartender. The dark-haired one with the pretty face married a dude who couldn’t get it up. And even Samantha — aka, the “slutty one” — dealt with a myriad of physical and emotional complications. Was the show inappropriate for kids? Probably. But The Tila Show is so blase about sex it’s inappropriate for adults.

Most adults can watch the show and see it’s bullshit. Kids can’t. Like it or not, the ABCNews article is right about one thing: kids learn life lessons from TV. But whereas the lessons learned by our generation — such as the “function” of a “conjunction” — were relatively benign, the lessons learned from shows like this are positively disturbing. Remember when “Cousin Oliver” taught us the economics of running a lemonade stand? Kim Kardashian taught your little Winnie Whiskey the economics of “accidentally” releasing her porn vid. Remember how Jan and Peter both struggled with being awkward and different? Tila and Friends taught your little Gina Gin how to overcome an ugly face with fake boobs and tit shots. Remember how Marcia learned the “Big Man on Campus” wasn’t worth pursuing? Bret Michaels showed precious angel Vikki Vodka he’s entitled to a dick suck.

I’m a Democrat and a liberal and I believe in free speech but Enough. If we accept the premise that an R-Rated, late-night, premium-channel-only show like Sex and the City had a profoundly negative influence on a generations’ sexuality, we must assume the far more reprehensible “Shot of Love with Tila Tequila” will be even more harmful.

Besides, she’s not all that hot anyway.

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