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I started looking up propaganda on the Internets and came across a few bizarre ones I couldn’t figure out. So I made up my own interpretation of what they mean. Enjoy.

1. Cookie Roller Derby

In Russia they didn’t have money for balls and bases and hoops so they invented their own sports. Like this little barn-burner: Giant cookie rolling.

“Look Comrade! Your little Vladimir’s cookie is stuck in ravine! My Constantina’s cookie has crossed field and ran into Ox! She is most glorious patriot!”

The Message: Play With Your Food Before You Eat It

2. Drunken Animal Glory!

I think this is a promotion for the zoo. The only real question is whether they’re getting the wildlife drunk or having the animals serve shots. Russians loved taking on impossible challenges like learning monkeys how to fly in space or training dogs to walk on their hind legs so I figure a shot pounding rhino isn’t far off the mark.

The Message: Animals? Boring. Drunken Animals? DAH!

3. Attack of the Gigantor Children

I can only surmise that the Russians thought feeding kids massive infusions of borscht would cause them to grow into ginormous temperamental terrors that would wreak havoc on Capitalist Swine while invoking enough “cute-factor” to keep them from being killed. All in all, a brilliant plan.

The Message: Destroy Enemy of Glorious Mother Russia with Chubby Baby!

4. Fish Riders in the Pond

I haven’t done a lot of China-travelin’ so was surprised to learn the Country is packed with giant fish so docile they’ll let a chubby baby climb on their back. What capitalist pig wouldn’t run in terror from a carp-riding fat ass?

The Message: We Will Kill Imperialist Swine on the Back of Fishes!

5. Bear Meat Tastes Better With French’s

This is an advertisement, so not technically propaganda. But it’s weird. From the packaging it looks like the mascot is a bear. But, if so, why are they shooting him? Would Frosted Flakes run an ad featuring Tony in a tiger-cage? Would McDonalds show Ronald eating Mayor McCheese? Probably not.

The Message: Bear Tastes Better with Slutskaya Beet Chutney!

6. Drink!

I woulda thought these are anti-drinking posters but, to me, this looks like a party. Hot babushka cradling a giant bottle of wine? What up Svetlana. And in all my days of drinking I’ve never had fun like that.

The Message: Life in Russia Sucks. Drink, Comrade.

7. Stop the Scourge of Smelly Breasts

It looks like this babushka is washing her naked breast with a cotton swab. Was there an epidemic of bad smelling boobs in Russia or something? Cause that’s yet another fact left out of my history book.

The Message: Clean The Boobs Babushka!

8. Hey I Thought These Guys Were Our Allies!

I’ll never forget that time when Japan fought the British and Roosevelt took the opportunity to surreptitiously steal Australia. Unfortunately he forgot to wear sunscreen and was so badly burnt the Aussies were able to steal it back. SO CLOSE!

The Message: Bloody Berks Stole Our Sub-Continent!

9. And You Thought Spanking Was Bad…

Martin Luther Kingsky

While Americans spent the last 30 years putting their spoiled brats in “timeouts,” the Chinese were teaching their youths how to commit motherfuckin’ murder.

The Message: We really don’t want to get into a war with these guys.

10. The Europeans Are Ocean Devils

Chinese Propaganda the English are Ocean Devils

This is from 1839 — making it the oldest Propaganda work I found — and is entitled Europeans Are Ocean Devils. It depicts a “European” (as evidence by the three fingers and scaly skin) breathing fire.

Which, as everyone knows, is accurate.

The Message: Europeans Breath Fire But Have No Genitals.

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