It’s been 20 some-odd years since I stuck Han, Greedo, Chewie and all my Star Wars toys in a box and formally ended my days of playing with “action figures.” I never looked back motherfuckers, I was done. At least I thought I was done.  Then along came a toy that rekindled my long cooled desire to give a figure some action.  That toy?

Why the Cindy McCain Trophy Wife Doll of course!

Cindy McCain Trophy Wife Doll

Hot. Busty. Plastic. Vapid. It’s like the real Cindy McCain only with a lower credit card limit.

Optional prescription drug addiction sold separately.

From Kenner!

The blogosphere is — once again — up in arms over FoxNews’ racial insensitivity. In case you missed it, while FoxNews’ Megan Kelly was discussing Michelle Obama, they ran a graphic stating: “Outraged Liberals: Upset with Attacks on Obama’s Baby Mama.”*

Liberals and everyone with half a brain in their head is calling it racist. I, however, think this is too harsh. I say we give Fox the benefit of the doubt. I think they’re just trying to appeal to the younger generation; to be more “hip” and “with it.”** Using the lingo. And, in line with their new edgy, hipster ‘tude, here are a few more headlines we can expect to see:

UPDATE!!!

The Conservative blogs are defending Fox’ characterizations because Michelle Obama evidently called Barack her “Baby Daddy” four years ago. Thus, Fox can call her that too. In light thereof, we went ahead and made one more little graphic. Hey, if John McCain can call his wife this, Fox can too right?

******
*FYI: Here’s the definition of a Baby Mama from Urban Dictionary. It’s tame, if anything…

A term used to define an unmarried young woman (but can be a woman of any age) who has had a child. As mentioned before in another definition, most of the time it is used for when it was simply a sexual relationship, compared to ex-wife or girlfriend. Usually this has a negative connotation, a lot of baby mamas are seen as desperate, gold digging, emotionally starved, shady women who had a baby out of spite or to keep a man. Sometimes they may act like this because of missed child support payments, unfulfilled promises by the father, or convenient sex by the father. Either or both may exist in any situation.

**Technically speaking anyone who uses the word “hip” is — by definition — not. Not what, you ask? Hip. It’s circular, I know but — trust me — also true.

(Courtesy of our other home — ImperfectUnion.com!

Wow, I can’t believe it but Warner Brothers has announced the release of Grumpy Old Men 3! I loved the first two and this one looks even better!

So it seems a couple of foos got together and decided to combine two of their greatest loves into one completely offensive morass.  They started with the Bible: the most chaste, moral, and sexually repressive creations ever known.  Into that stickiness they plunged a little Manga; preferred “artwork” of gargantuan-boob-loving pedophiles and subway deviants.

What emerged was the most absurdly satisfying Peanut Butter Cup on the Planet…

Let’s Bible!

Let’s start with the main character: Jesus.  Think that’s Him sporting the rad suspenders and sleeveless tee?  Think again sexist pig.  Jesus is the hot blond in back! The dude in the front is some sort of fisherman.  They haven’t revealed who he’s “supposed” to be yet but I’m thinking maybe the apostle Paul.  Then again he’s kinda kooky looking so maybe he’s Judas. That seems about right. He’s like “Sorry Jesus, I sold ya’ out for a couple-a C-Notes babe!” And Jesus is all [Whimper, Sniffle] “Roh-no!”).

But the sacrilege doesn’t end there my friends.  In addition to being a lady, Jesus is also hot.  I don’t know how to say this delicately but…check out Jesus’ cleavage.

Another picture of that hottie Jesus

Now I’m not saying Chick Jesus shouldn’t have a nice rack (Jesus was the best at everything of course so, naturally, Lady Jesus should have nice boobs).  But don’t you think Hottie Jesus would at least cover em up a bit?  And don’t try to tell me Honey Jesus didn’t have anything else to wear; if she’s really Jesus she could have turned an old tablecloth into a cardigan or something right?  Or, at the very least, buttoned those last two buttons.

Let’s be honest here; I’ve never known Jesus not to cover up.  Take a look at this image of Jesus playing soccer.  Even though the kids are wearing the comfy soccer shorts and what not, Jesus is still sporting that scratchy robe he seemed to love.

Jesus Don't Go For Soccer Shorts

Naturally this image begs the question: what kinda soccer player would Jesus be?  Clearly he’d be better than these crappy little kids but — seeing as how he was so giving and all — he’d probably tone the skeelz down a touch; let the kids get a score or two.  Jesus was certainly not a loser though so I figure he’d probably score a header in the final minutes to at least give his team a tie.

Whatever the final score, the soccer image does answer one question: would Jesus be in shape?  The Bible doesn’t say much about Jesus’ workout routine but I figure with all the wandering and what not you have to figure he was toned.  How then, to explain this?

Jesus Had Nice Legs

Those legs are just kinda flabby and what’s with the flat ass?  C’mon Jesus, pull it together!

So here are the links. Download at your own risk.

Part One.
Part Two.

Check it out, it’s a bunch of unlabeled boxes.

Boxes of IPhones...woopeefuckindo!

What’s in those boxes, you ask? No one knows. The author of the story asked one of the warehouse employees but the employee said something like “I can’t tell you.”

It should end there except this particular warehouse is known to ship Apple products. And, even though thousands of other Apple products are sold everyday, the next generation iPhone is supposed to be coming out next week. Thus, there is the possibility these plain brown boxes might contain…

(Patience my Paduan Learner…)

Next Generation iPhones!

“What?! Did he say ‘iPhone’? He didn’t say iPhone did he? Oh my God, oh my God, he did, HE DID!!!! Those boxes just might maybe could contain iPhones!!!!”

DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG — gasp — DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG

That’s right. No matter how remote the possibility, no matter how tangential the relationship, no matter how meaningless the story: if it involves the iPhone, it’s going to the top of Digg. Check it out: 647 Diggs and climbing.

Digg Dogg One

Hmmm, if a picture of cardboard boxes that probably don’t have iPhones in them is enough to make the front page, then I have information that will definitely get this story to the front page. To help me present this important information to you, let me introduce my good friend:

Apple Fan Boy.

IPhone Geek

“Uhh, can’t you see I’m on my iPhone?!”

Sorry. But I figured you’d like to meet this UPS driver.

“Dude, I’m like zooming back and forth on a picture of my dog. Why would I care about some loser UPS Driver?”

Because UPS drivers deliver boxes to stores.

“Duh! Everybody knows that noob! If you don’t mind, I’m trying to watch Kevin Rose imitate Bill O’Reilly on my iPhone! It’s awesome!”

Sorry. Just thought you might be interested in knowing that this guy might — one day — be delivering boxes of iPhones to an Apple store.

“OMG, are you serious?! You’re totally right! How else would those awesome boxes of iPhones get there?! OMG, OMG, OMG…iPhones!!!!

“Wait a minute, this guy can’t deliver all of those boxes! Those boxes are WAAY too bulky for him to carry! Nice try jerk!”

Good observation young man. That’s why I am posting this picture of a hand truck.

“A truck built just for your hand? Awesome. I bet Apple thought of that. Still — all things considered — I prefer my iPhone.”

No kid, a hand truck is a device used to move boxes.

“Booring! Check this out, it’s a video of a Japanese guy playing with a ball. I’m watching it live on my iPhonester! (That’s what I call my iPhone sometimes!)”

Boring huh? Well how boring would it be if those boxes happened to contain … iPhones?

“OMG, are you serious!?!? That iTruck was built to move iPhones!!!! Yes, YES! YES! iPhones!!!!!

So you like these pictures huh?

“OMG, they are totally awesome! I’m totally gonna Digg this story!!! Then I’ll share it with all my friends, they gotta know about the iTruck!”

Actually it’s called a hand truck.

“Whatever. It’s just so totally APPLE to build a carrying device specially for the iPhone. In fact I heard they saved like 32% in production costs by developing the iTruck. Steve Jobs built the first one out of Legos when he was four! And when I said FOUR right there, I meant FOUR WEEKS!”

Seriously dude, it wasn’t built to move iPhones. It can be used on any kind of box.

“Cross-platform functionality, huh? Apple does it again! Stupid Microsoft! If they made a box carrying device it’d probably have like one wheel missing and wouldn’t support iTunes. Jerks.”

Whatever. I have to go now.

“Hey did you hear the rumor? They’re gonna release iTruck Puma next year. It’s supposed to be KILLER!”

I said I have to go.

If you — like me — are off scouring the Internet looking for the Worst Tattoo of all time well then I say onto you Mission ‘Complished! Without further ado…

The Corky Tattoo!

The Worst Tattoo Ever...Except Tattoo Himself

FYI, I’m pretty sure this tat is from the book No Regrets: The Best, Worst, & Most #$%*ing Ridiculous Tattoos Ever but I may be off base.

Speaking of which this gives me an idea for the BEST tattoo of all time. A tattoo of Tattoo.

Look Boss, I’m on Some Loser’s Leg!

Dear “Neighbor,”

Well I see you finally put the Flag up. Nice job Captain America. That means it was only one-hundred and eighteen days that you disrespected your God, your neighborhood, and that wife of yours with your embarrassing failure to honor your Nation.  Congratulations.

Oh you’ve been too busy to put the Flag up, now I understand.  Gosh, don’t I feel like a jerk. Heck I sure am glad a couple of guys named Thomas Jefferson and George Washington weren’t busy like you else we’d all be sipping tea, calling each other “Guv’ner” and bowing to some foreigners wouldn’t we?!

Now I hope you don’t think hanging a dime-store, made-in-China, non Bill-O’Reilly-Approved acrylic Flag on your house makes you as patriotic as me cause it don’t.  You own a Flag, I worship that fucker.  Remember that movie “Born on the Fourth of July?”  I did it one better.  I was born on the Third of July.  I woulda waited til the Fourth but I loved America so goddamn much I checked out early.

You a Bald Eagle fan Phil?  Pretty birds ain’t they?  Symbol of America.  Well I’m gonna let you in on a little secret…

I crap Bald Eagles.

That’s right Phil.  While you Eco-Fags were bitchin about DDT, yours truly took action.  Sure it hurt like hell but you can’t even <i>imagine</i> the pride as Eagle after Eagle crawled out of my ass.  Think about that the next time you’re out getting one of them abortions you liberals are so fond of Phil: I single assedly brought the Bald Eagle back from extinction.

Single Assedly.

So – yeah – I love American more’n you. And just to put you in your place I’m gonna do something so goddamn patriotic it’ll put you and that Restoration Hardware Flag of yours to shame.  You asked for it Phil, you got it…

I’m going two.

I’m putting a Second Flag on my house.

You ever even seen two American Flags on one house Phil?  I haven’t.  I’ve crapped Eagles out of my ass Phil, I’ve seen it all.  But I have never seen a man put Two Goddamn Flags in his yard.  Frankly it’s outrageous (who the hell needs two goddamn Flags to prove they love America?) but sense be damned!  There’s nothing I won’t do to prove I Love America.

Now at this point you’re probably thinking “gee well maybe I should put another Flag up too.”  Don’t.  You try to go Flago-a-Flago with a super-patriot like me Phil and it’s gonna hurt.  I’m the America-loving madman who broke the Two Flag Hymen for crying out loud! If you think I won’t up the ante you’ve smoked a little too much of that wacky tobaccy.  In fact just to make sure you don’t even try it…

I’m going three.

Three Goddamn American Flags in one yard Phil!

Got the point yet, hippy?  It’s a simple equation.  Take whatever number of Flags you have in your yard and add a “1” to that number.  The result’ll be how many Flags you’ll see flapping in mine.

You can’t compete Phil.  I love America more.  I win.

**********
(The foregoing insanity was inspired by a house in my neighborhood that is flying — you guessed it — two American Flags.

Star Wars just pisses me off. The entire plot makes zero sense. I was going to publish a little rant about it but decided to make a video demostrating how it SHOULD have ended.

Don’t worry…it’s only about twenty seconds long, you’ll survive.

No self-respecting “Internet Blog” can resist chiming in on a subject more tired than Lindsay Lohan’s pussy: teen sex. The basis of the rant-to-come is this article where it’s claimed that young girls are more promiscuous today because they learned about sex from watching Sex and the City. The article takes great pains to say “Sex and the City can’t be blamed for creating a generation of sluts” then goes on to quote a bunch of girls who say Sex and the City turned everyone of their generation into a bunch of sluts. Way to take a stand ABCNews!

But before anyone tries to lynch “Carrie and Big,” I have some news for you: Sex and the City is the least of your concerns. ABCNews failed to follow up on the point but if Sex and the City created a Generation of Sluts, then the parents of today better get ready for a Millenium of Sluts. Castigate Sex and the City all you want but its the blandly named shows like “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” that’re teaching your daughter about making and selling porn. And that’s not the half of it.

Take Tila Tequila’s show on MTV. If her pornesque name alone didn’t clue you in — the male equivalent would be something like “Buck Strongthrust” — her MySpace page should. Tila Tequila is a mediocre looking Asian-American girl who found fame by posting half-nude pics of her massively enhanced self on her page. That’s it. That’s the resume. No, this is the resume:

Tila Tequila
Address: http://www.myspace.com/tilatequila

Education: Hi School
Work: No.
Experience: Slutty pics on Myspace. Big Boobs. Work out lots. Pouty.

That’s literally it. She doesn’t sing, she doesn’t act, she does nothing but look at the camera and pout. She’s Manga come to life; tiny and asian and boobed and meaningless. Until I saw her on MTV I assumed the only words she knew were “oooooooh!” or [squeal!]. (Turns out she also knows “haaht!”). But because there is no porn quite like free porn, shitloads of horny kids hit her site to look at her pictures and, I assume, masturbate. Naturally MTV — never ones to let a “trend” go unexploited — gave her a show. Thus was born…whatever the fuck the name of her stupid show is, I can’t remember. If you’re wondering how something like that can happen, this transcription of the call that led to her show might shed some light:

[Phone Rings]
Tila Tequila: Gretchen here.
MTV Exec: Hi, I’m trying teach Tila.
Tila Tequila: Oh did I say “Gretchen”? I meant “Tila.” Oopsies!
MTV Exec: This is MTV. We heard you are very talented and want to put you on a show.
Tila Tequila: Are you talking about how I let people see my big boobs?
MTV Exec: Yes! Exactly! Can you do that on MTV?

Tila Tequila: Sure.MTV Exec: One question: Are you a lesbian?Tila Tequila: Well I tried to make a guy jealous once by making out with a girl and I once pushed my boobs up against anothergirl’s boobs.
MTV Exec: Good enough.
Tila Tequila: Yay!

Anyway, she got the show. It’s called Tila Tequila Squeals and Pouts and Acts Interested (something like that). The premise involves watching a group of guys and girls plot and scheme and fight to be Tila’s “True Love.” Tila’s only role is to titter and pout and try to cull “True Love” from a pool of fools deluded enough to think “Tila Tequila” would be a nice lady to bring home to Mom. It’s a pretty easy gig for the daughter of Chang and Chou Tequila; the only challenge being to pretend she “loves people, not their gender.” Lipstick lesbian? Tila lika! Buff Russian dude? Dah! Skinny rocker guy? Tila loves rock! Butchey dike with a shaved head? Let’s lick! Gangsta-ish Black guy? Haaht!

There’s only one problem with this so-called “reality show”…

It’s fake.

Saying a “Reality TV Show” is fake isn’t exactly novel. But TT’s Cleavage Hour takes “fake” to heights unseen. It’s not just that Tila is lying about being a lesbian (she’s not one) or that she’s lying about her search for “true love” (hard to do a sequel if she marries one of the dudes), it’s that the show completely lies about one of the most important of human interactions: Sex. Say what you want about Sex and the City but at least the relationships were someone realistic. Carrie suffered through an embarrassing string of relationships as she pined for her one true love. Miranda was an accomplished lawyer who wrestled with whether she could love a simple bartender. The dark-haired one with the pretty face married a dude who couldn’t get it up. And even Samantha — aka, the “slutty one” — dealt with a myriad of physical and emotional complications. Was the show inappropriate for kids? Probably. But The Tila Show is so blase about sex it’s inappropriate for adults.

Most adults can watch the show and see it’s bullshit. Kids can’t. Like it or not, the ABCNews article is right about one thing: kids learn life lessons from TV. But whereas the lessons learned by our generation — such as the “function” of a “conjunction” — were relatively benign, the lessons learned from shows like this are positively disturbing. Remember when “Cousin Oliver” taught us the economics of running a lemonade stand? Kim Kardashian taught your little Winnie Whiskey the economics of “accidentally” releasing her porn vid. Remember how Jan and Peter both struggled with being awkward and different? Tila and Friends taught your little Gina Gin how to overcome an ugly face with fake boobs and tit shots. Remember how Marcia learned the “Big Man on Campus” wasn’t worth pursuing? Bret Michaels showed precious angel Vikki Vodka he’s entitled to a dick suck.

I’m a Democrat and a liberal and I believe in free speech but Enough. If we accept the premise that an R-Rated, late-night, premium-channel-only show like Sex and the City had a profoundly negative influence on a generations’ sexuality, we must assume the far more reprehensible “Shot of Love with Tila Tequila” will be even more harmful.

Besides, she’s not all that hot anyway.

Okay kids, I made another video. Frankly, maybe I’m getting a little out on the weeds on these things but, I promise you, about 2:00 in — when the Crue really kicks it up — the Hillary bashing hits a new high.