Dear “Neighbor,”

Well I see you finally put the Flag up. Nice job Captain America. That means it was only one-hundred and eighteen days that you disrespected your God, your neighborhood, and that wife of yours with your embarrassing failure to honor your Nation.  Congratulations.

Oh you’ve been too busy to put the Flag up, now I understand.  Gosh, don’t I feel like a jerk. Heck I sure am glad a couple of guys named Thomas Jefferson and George Washington weren’t busy like you else we’d all be sipping tea, calling each other “Guv’ner” and bowing to some foreigners wouldn’t we?!

Now I hope you don’t think hanging a dime-store, made-in-China, non Bill-O’Reilly-Approved acrylic Flag on your house makes you as patriotic as me cause it don’t.  You own a Flag, I worship that fucker.  Remember that movie “Born on the Fourth of July?”  I did it one better.  I was born on the Third of July.  I woulda waited til the Fourth but I loved America so goddamn much I checked out early.

You a Bald Eagle fan Phil?  Pretty birds ain’t they?  Symbol of America.  Well I’m gonna let you in on a little secret…

I crap Bald Eagles.

That’s right Phil.  While you Eco-Fags were bitchin about DDT, yours truly took action.  Sure it hurt like hell but you can’t even <i>imagine</i> the pride as Eagle after Eagle crawled out of my ass.  Think about that the next time you’re out getting one of them abortions you liberals are so fond of Phil: I single assedly brought the Bald Eagle back from extinction.

Single Assedly.

So – yeah – I love American more’n you. And just to put you in your place I’m gonna do something so goddamn patriotic it’ll put you and that Restoration Hardware Flag of yours to shame.  You asked for it Phil, you got it…

I’m going two.

I’m putting a Second Flag on my house.

You ever even seen two American Flags on one house Phil?  I haven’t.  I’ve crapped Eagles out of my ass Phil, I’ve seen it all.  But I have never seen a man put Two Goddamn Flags in his yard.  Frankly it’s outrageous (who the hell needs two goddamn Flags to prove they love America?) but sense be damned!  There’s nothing I won’t do to prove I Love America.

Now at this point you’re probably thinking “gee well maybe I should put another Flag up too.”  Don’t.  You try to go Flago-a-Flago with a super-patriot like me Phil and it’s gonna hurt.  I’m the America-loving madman who broke the Two Flag Hymen for crying out loud! If you think I won’t up the ante you’ve smoked a little too much of that wacky tobaccy.  In fact just to make sure you don’t even try it…

I’m going three.

Three Goddamn American Flags in one yard Phil!

Got the point yet, hippy?  It’s a simple equation.  Take whatever number of Flags you have in your yard and add a “1” to that number.  The result’ll be how many Flags you’ll see flapping in mine.

You can’t compete Phil.  I love America more.  I win.

(The foregoing insanity was inspired by a house in my neighborhood that is flying — you guessed it — two American Flags.