The Daily Punk
May 5, 2008
(Cinco de Mayo Ed.)
Cinco de Mayo is Todayo.
A couple of months back I wrote this about St. Patrick’s Day:
St. Patrick’s Day is the fraternal twin of Cinco de Mayo; the random, pointless, ethnically-offensive, party holidays. Sure they’re fun but what ostensible reason is there for the average American to celebrate Mexican Independence or the birth of an Irish saint? These are pretty incidental events in the grand International scheme (unless, of course, you’re Irish or Mexican). The truth is everyone knows you’re just using Ireland’s proud heritage as an excuse to get fucked up. Don’t mistake the charitable smile from the “Real Irish Guy” at the bar laddie, he thinks you’re an idiot. Why? Because Danny Boy sucks, it’s fag to say Guiness is “too dark,” and his friend, the bar owner, makes half his yearly profit pitching the Irish Pride to your drunk ass. Oh, and, by the way, every time you give him the “just kiddin’ bro” after you joke about whether he’s got a “pot-of-gold” in his yard, that friendly Irish chap gets one incremental step closer to the inevitable day when he will either pound you in a dark alley or hate fuck your girl (both, God willing).
Please replace all Irish references with Mexican references, all gallic spellings with racist pseudo-Mexican spellings, add tequila and you have my opinion on Cinco de Mayo.
Crazy Hot Hillary Hatin
Call me odd but I find this girl to be hot. Maybe it’s the pure Hillary hate that I find so endearing. Or maybe it’s because she’s, well, hot. Anyway her name is Kandace Melonakos. Here’s her myspace page in case you need a new friend.
Fifteen years ago half of American would have paid good money to see Daisy Fuentes nude. Now, no one gives a shit. It’s the tragedy of modern America: celebrities won’t get nude until their fame declines to their increasing level of desperation. Usually that’s about age 40 and, frankly, it’s usually too late.
Facebook In Real Life
I don’t usually go for these kinds of bits, particularly when they involve British dudes. But this is pretty funny.
Heath Ledger Poised to Steal the Show in the Batman Sequel
I was never a fan of the DC superheros. They were always an odd mix of weird powers that were either absurdly strong or inanely lame. On the one hand you had Superman who was literally invincible (if the superhuman speed, strength and skin weren’t enough he apparently could just turn back time and give himself a “re-do”). And on the other you had a clown like Aquaman who, let’s face it, was pretty much worthless unless the villain’s name was the “Yachtster.”
Aquaman’s Greatest Nemesis: Spaulding Smails.
But even a Stan Lee accolyte like myself loved the Frank Miller Dark Knight series. I must have read that comic fifty times (a first edition by the way but I was always one of those kids who liked the stories too much to stick them in the mylar bags so it’s worthless today). Which is why, in spite of myself, I am utterly psyched by the upcoming Dark Knight movie that opens this Summer.
A new preview was released today and Heath Ledger — in his final role — looks freaking amazing.
Now Juxtapose That Joker With The Worst Super-Villain in Movie History, Jack Nicholson
The Dark Knight clip reminds me of two things that have caused much angst in my life: my disgust with the first Batman movies and my belief that Jack Nicholson is the most overrated actor in movie history. I could explain but let me take a different tact. You watch this clip, then come back and try to argue I’m wrong.
Now which of these guys looks scarier to you, “Dancing Jack?”
Global Warming’s Positive Side Effect
Not everything about Global Warming is bad. Take, for example, these Stewards of the Tundra: Icelanders who are sad because their Stomper 4X4 grounds are melting.
Bill Clinton Says “Electability” is Irrelevant
This is from about nine months ago obviously. It’s their main argument now. In other words, this is item of evidence no. 418 why Hillary shouldn’t be the candidate.
Another Reason to Stop Drinking Bottled Water (Beside the Bad Taste)
Bottled water is not only weird tasting, it’s environmentally evil. Evidently it takes three gallons of water to produce each gallon of bottled water, etc. etc. C’mon, if you need science to tell you bottled water is not good for the environment you need to get out more often.
DC Madam Suicide Note Released
I’m not quite sure why they would do this but this case is … interesting. The fact that a Madam and one of her prostitutes have been committed suicide in the space of two months yet the Judge saw fit to seal the record of her clients is absurd. The men were as culpable and, one suspects, far more powerful. I have a feeling this isn’t the end of it.
In any event, here’s the note: