Script: Hillary Goes To Pennsylvania
Act IV: Hillary Needs a Night Off: Politicking is Ha-ard

*Now with Alternate “Homage to Weird Science” Ending!

(Senator Hillary Rodmam Clinton enters the bar after a hard night of drafting laws, negotiating important treaties, writing speeches, dodging bullets, and doing other Senatorial Stuff. She’s joined by a staffer “Betsy.”)

Hillary: Did he follow us?

Betsy: No, we lost him.

Hillary: Good, he’s so self-important. Phht, Big Bill Clinton. What a dork.

Betsy (looking around): Well, what should we do Mrs. Clinton?

Hillary: First off, when the cameras aren’t around it’s “Hot Rod,” how many times I gotta fuckin’ tell you?

Betsy: Sorry … Hot-Rod.

Hillary: And what do you think we’re gonna do? Get wassssesstedd! Gimme that beer right there!

Betsy: But Ms. Clin…Hot-Rod, that’s just a beer someone left on the table…it’s dirty!

Hillary: Please, this isn’t that elitist Barack Obama you’re talking to, I’m dirty!

Betsy: Umm, well, if you think it’s okay–

Hillary: You prissy bitch I’ll get it myself, out of my way!

Hillary Chugs a Beer

Hillary: Ohhh YEAH! Brewski tastes good after a hard day o’ law writing! Hey! Who around here is gonna buy a lady a brew-dog!?

(Hillary Turns and Nearly Bumps into Todd — the Man Wearing the Suit)

Todd: Hey! You’re, like, Hillary Rodham Clinton aren’t you?

Hillary: That’s Senator Clinton you impertinent punk.

Todd: Oh my God, I – I – I apologize Senator, for being so bold I am terr–

Hillary: Hush it hottie. You get me another beer you can be as bold as you like!

Todd: Tony, get the Senator another beer! And a round for my boys as well!

(The beers Are Poured and the Men Gather Anxiously)

Hillary: Boysh, a toast! To regular folk! Down with elitist pussies!

Dudes: Yeah! Regular folk! Like us guys who wear suits in bars!

Don’t Be Fooled, Hillary’s Got a Van Halen Tour Tee Under That Suit Jacket

Hillary: Oh My God Todd take a look at this dork next to me in the “Dad” sweatshirt. What a tool!

Todd: Totally! What a nerd! He’s prob’ly some farmer or something.

Hillary: Check it out, I’m gonna mess with him…

(Hillary Turns to “Dad”)

Hillary: Hey Farmer Brown, buy a lady a shot?

Guy in “Dad” Shirt: Actually I’m a retired stockbroker but, okay–

Hillary: Ohh! Whoop-a-dee-do! Hey everybody “Dad” thinks he’s better than me! Fuck you old man I’m a goddamn United States Fucking Senator…boys get this asshole out of here.

(Secret Service Agents Move in and Remove “Dad” From The Bar)

Todd: Damn Hot Rod, that was freakin’ awesome! Time for shots?

Hillary: Make it something hard. I don’t need no goddang Jaeger like you little bitches sip on.

This Shot Is Making Me Warm

Hillary: Keep em’ coming boys!

(Later That Evening: The Bar Has Cleared and Someone Has Drug a Record Player Out. It Is Set On “Generic-Formula-Movie-Skip-Mode.” Todd, Hillary, and, Inexplicably, “Dad” Are Sitting in a Booth)

Hillary: Todd man…lemme tell ya a little story man. When I was at Princeton I went insane over this crazy little upstart poli-sci major.

Dad: Crazy?

Todd: Insane?

Dad: Insane?

Todd: Crazy?

Hillary: I was nuts for the dude man, you gotta believe me. And what did it was this big potential he had.

Todd: Huh-HO! BIG potential.

Hillary: I called him every damn night.

Todd: Every damn night!

Dad: On the telephone?

Hillary: What this boy talk about on the telephone! We know it was on the telephone!

Todd: Explain it to him.

Hillary: Shoot!

Todd: So what happened? What happened to that guy with the big big potential?

(Betsy Walks Up)

Betsy: He fucked a little fatty and made Hillary look like a cold fish.

Dad: He did WHAT?!

Todd: He made you look like a fool in front of everyone by screwing a big, big fatty?!

Hillary: Broke my heart man…in two.

Dad: There go your Presidential chances. Who wants to elect a President who can’t even handle her man.

Hillary (To Secret Service Agents): Get em outta here.