Script: Hillary Goes To Pennsylvania
Act IV: Hillary Needs a Night Off: Politicking is Ha-ard
*Now with Alternate “Homage to Weird Science” Ending!
(Senator Hillary Rodmam Clinton enters the bar after a hard night of drafting laws, negotiating important treaties, writing speeches, dodging bullets, and doing other Senatorial Stuff. She’s joined by a staffer “Betsy.”)
Hillary: Did he follow us?
Betsy: No, we lost him.
Hillary: Good, he’s so self-important. Phht, Big Bill Clinton. What a dork.
Betsy (looking around): Well, what should we do Mrs. Clinton?
Hillary: First off, when the cameras aren’t around it’s “Hot Rod,” how many times I gotta fuckin’ tell you?
Betsy: Sorry … Hot-Rod.
Hillary: And what do you think we’re gonna do? Get wassssesstedd! Gimme that beer right there!
Betsy: But Ms. Clin…Hot-Rod, that’s just a beer someone left on the table…it’s dirty!
Hillary: Please, this isn’t that elitist Barack Obama you’re talking to, I’m dirty!
Betsy: Umm, well, if you think it’s okay–
Hillary: You prissy bitch I’ll get it myself, out of my way!
Hillary Chugs a Beer
Hillary: Ohhh YEAH! Brewski tastes good after a hard day o’ law writing! Hey! Who around here is gonna buy a lady a brew-dog!?
(Hillary Turns and Nearly Bumps into Todd — the Man Wearing the Suit)
Todd: Hey! You’re, like, Hillary Rodham Clinton aren’t you?
Hillary: That’s Senator Clinton you impertinent punk.
Todd: Oh my God, I – I – I apologize Senator, for being so bold I am terr–
Hillary: Hush it hottie. You get me another beer you can be as bold as you like!
Todd: Tony, get the Senator another beer! And a round for my boys as well!
(The beers Are Poured and the Men Gather Anxiously)
Hillary: Boysh, a toast! To regular folk! Down with elitist pussies!
Dudes: Yeah! Regular folk! Like us guys who wear suits in bars!
Don’t Be Fooled, Hillary’s Got a Van Halen Tour Tee Under That Suit Jacket
Hillary: Oh My God Todd take a look at this dork next to me in the “Dad” sweatshirt. What a tool!
Todd: Totally! What a nerd! He’s prob’ly some farmer or something.
Hillary: Check it out, I’m gonna mess with him…
(Hillary Turns to “Dad”)
Hillary: Hey Farmer Brown, buy a lady a shot?
Guy in “Dad” Shirt: Actually I’m a retired stockbroker but, okay–
Hillary: Ohh! Whoop-a-dee-do! Hey everybody “Dad” thinks he’s better than me! Fuck you old man I’m a goddamn United States Fucking Senator…boys get this asshole out of here.
(Secret Service Agents Move in and Remove “Dad” From The Bar)
Todd: Damn Hot Rod, that was freakin’ awesome! Time for shots?
Hillary: Make it something hard. I don’t need no goddang Jaeger like you little bitches sip on.
This Shot Is Making Me Warm
Hillary: Keep em’ coming boys!
(Later That Evening: The Bar Has Cleared and Someone Has Drug a Record Player Out. It Is Set On “Generic-Formula-Movie-Skip-Mode.” Todd, Hillary, and, Inexplicably, “Dad” Are Sitting in a Booth)
Hillary: Todd man…lemme tell ya a little story man. When I was at Princeton I went insane over this crazy little upstart poli-sci major.
Hillary: I was nuts for the dude man, you gotta believe me. And what did it was this big potential he had.
Todd: Huh-HO! BIG potential.
Hillary: I called him every damn night.
Todd: Every damn night!
Dad: On the telephone?
Hillary: What this boy talk about on the telephone! We know it was on the telephone!
Todd: Explain it to him.
Todd: So what happened? What happened to that guy with the big big potential?
(Betsy Walks Up)
Betsy: He fucked a little fatty and made Hillary look like a cold fish.
Dad: He did WHAT?!
Todd: He made you look like a fool in front of everyone by screwing a big, big fatty?!
Hillary: Broke my heart man…in two.
Dad: There go your Presidential chances. Who wants to elect a President who can’t even handle her man.
Hillary (To Secret Service Agents): Get em outta here.