April 14, 2008
A Few Absurd Stories You Need to Know About
1. Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape
Marilyn was such a visionary. First big star to pose nude. First celebrity to screw a President. First athlete star-fucker. The only thing she didn’t do was make a sex tape. Uhhhh.
The New York Post is reporting that a 15-minute sex-reel starring Marilyn Monroe not only exists, but was just sold to a New York collector for $1.5M. It gets weirder: the NYC businessman who now owns the footage bought it from the son of a dead FBI informant. And sorry, you’re not going to get to see it on YouTube … yet.
“The gentleman who bought it said out of respect for Marilyn he’s not going to make a joke of it and put it on the Internet and try to exploit her,” Keya Morgan, the memorabilia man who brokered the sale, told Reuters.
“He said, ‘I’m not going to make a Paris Hilton out of her. I’m not going to sell it, out of respect.”
Ah yes, “respect.” That’s what you call it when you spend $1.5 million to watch a dead icon suck dick…respect.
2. In Rare “Double Whammy” a Republican Representative Violates National Security Interests and Reveals Himself as a Racist
Republican Representative Geoff Davis took part in a “top-secret” war simulation with Senator Obama. Apparently ignoring that “top secret” means you “aren’t supposed to talk about it,” Rep. Davis came out today and said “we don’t want that boy to have his finger on the button.”
First off, there are only three times a human being might be called “boy.” The first is when adults are referring to males under the age of 18 (although this age can be raised by up to 4 years if the youth is a football player in a movie or TV show). The second is when a substantially older male is referring to a group of younger men who are “aimin’ to git inta trouble.” An example of this might be something like “them boys is lookin’ to stir up a hornet’s nest,” something like that. The third is when racist white assholes refer to black men whom they do not believe are equal to them. Just to make clear here: Obama is 46, Davis is 49, and I don’t think Obama was heading to the “waterin’ hole.”
Second, despite the protestations of guys like “Representative Davis,” Barack Obama may indeed become the President one day. Republicans call every disclosure of troop deaths “aiding the enemy” yet I haven’t heard one come out against the security implications of this statement. If, indeed, Obama is not decisive in a crisis situation is this really something we want people to know about?
Third, whatever Obama’s capabilities, they can’t be worse than the guy who took forty-five minutes to put down his dog-eared copy of the Pokey Little Puppy when the twin towers went down.
3. The Trouble With the Trouble With Tribbles
If you plan on watch Jeopardy tonight, read no further. Because the answer to the Final Question is Tribbles. And if you didn’t know that then you are officially okay in my book. Let’s be clear Trekkies, other than Wrath of Khan, every episode of Star Trek — and most of the movies — sucked. Every. Last. One.
Calm down Zorkon, I’m right. Here’s why:
Almost every problem they ever faced could have been solved with more liberal use of the fucking teleporter. Enemy ship approaching? Teleport a bomb on board. Kirk in trouble on foreign planet? Teleport him back. Strange creature trying to kill crew? Teleport it’s brain to a different location.
The Tribbles are a perfect example of this. For those not in the know, a “tribble” is a goofball little rabbit creature that threatens to overrun the Enterprise with their profligate love-making. So what do they do? I can’t recall. I only know that it wasn’t what I would have done — teleport their fucking asses into space.
Frankly, the ONLY problem that couldn’t have realistically been solved by a teleporter was the one that WAS solved with the teleporter: providing a herd of whales for a giant spaceship that threatens to destroy Earth unless “there be whales here!” (If that plot setup doesn’t confirm Star Trek sucks nothing can).
In other words, we are supposed to believe the Enterprise can teleport two hundred-thousand pound whales aboard — with water — but they can’t port a bunch of rabbits into space?
God Star Trek is horrible.
4. Alicia Keys is a Moron
Alicia Keys says that “gangsta rap” didn’t exist; it was all a vicious plot by the Government to convince black people to kill one another. Sorry Alicia but I was there; and there ain’t no way a Government employee could have written lyrics like this…
Cruisin down the street in my six-fo’
Jockin the bitches, slappin the hoes
Went to the park to get the scoop
Knuckleheads out there cold shootin some hoops
A car pulls up, who can it be?
A fresh El Camino rolled, Kilo G
He rolls down his window and he started to say
It’s all about makin that GTA
Okay she may be onto something.
5. America the Beautiful, 2008
Round about 2001, a clinically-depressed boy named Christopher Pittman was sent to live with his Grandparents because his Dad “couldn’t handle him.” Shortly thereafter, he tried to commit suicide in front of his sister and was placed on Zoloft. Almost immediately the boy had severely negative side effects such as mania and recurrent painful burning sensations. In response the doctor did the most logical thing: He put him on pain medication and upped his dose of Zoloft; from 100mg daily to 200mg daily.
Shortly thereafter, Pittman had an argument on the school bus, choked a fellow student, and later disturbed the person playing piano in his church. That night, after receiving a paddling from his grandfather, he went into his grandparents’ bedroom and murdered them with their own shotgun. He set fire to the house and fled.
Eventually he was apprehended and accused of the crime. The case was big news, naturally, and the Prosecutor decided to “throw the book at him” and try him as an adult. Although the standard for trying a child as an adult is whether the child possesses “the capacity to appreciate the nature and quality of his conduct,” and this kid was clearly more emotionally immature than the average twelve year old, the court agreed Pittman’s “planning” beforehand demonstrated he understood the “nature and quality of his conduct.” Ultimately the kid was convicted of the crime and sentenced to 30 years in jail. The matter was appealed to the United States Supreme Court.
Today the Court decided the matter did not warrant review and denied his appeal. They did not comment on the matter but evidently at least six bought the Attorney General’s argument that sentencing a 12 year old to 30 years in jail was neither cruel nor unusual. This despite the fact that only 2 of the 50 states permit trial of any 12 year old as an adult; and certainly any person of reasonable sense would agree this kid was more challenged than the average 12 year old. Sorry kid, see you at age 42.
Hillary’s right. Obama needs to stop saying there are problems in this Country that need fixing.
Everything is just fine.