April 4, 2008
I was driving this morning with my window down and the music up. A hundred feet ahead I spied a couple of high school kids walking down the street. Uh oh. I immediately rolled my window up. Why, you ask? Because even at 35 miles per hour/years of age, I still give a crap what the kids think. And, in case you didn’t know, the high schools kids don’t cotton to the Olivia Newton-John.
That’s right. I listen to — and like — shitty music. Don’t act like you’re better than me. I know why you won’t let me look at your iPod playlist. I saw that “other” CD case in your car. And stop pretending Warm 101.1 was a “factory preset.”
Yup, it’s time for all of us to admit the truth. Even the most ardent music snob has a secret stash of trite and cheesy songs they love. I don’t know your sick listening habits but I know mine. It’s ugly but I’m gonna let you in. Henceforth I bring to you:
My Top Ten Crap Guilty Pleasure Songs
First, let’s lay down the ground rules:
- Rule One: Deep down, you must love the song. Not like, not tolerate, love.
- Rule Two: You will only listen to it in private or with friends privy to your love of crap.
- Rule Three: Even in your drunkest hour you would not Karaoke it.
You get the idea. Onto the list:
10. Chains of Love, Erasure
As a heterosexual male it is completely unacceptable for me to like this song.
9. The One That You Love by Air Supply
He’s asking for another day goddamnit, why in the love of GOD won’t she give it to him? Speaking of which, why won’t this YouTube clip work here? Whatever, go here for the Air Supply love.
Air Supply? No. Hair Supply? Yes.
8. Your Wildest Dreams, the Moody Blues
Nights in White Satin sucks. Your Wildest Dreams rocks.
7. Nights on Broadway, Bee-Gees
Half the words I can’t figure out. What I do know makes little sense. And I can’t sing one note.
But it’s good.
6. Poison, Bel Biv Devoe
If I were you I’d take precautions…against anyone knowing you like this song. I didn’t. And the price I’ve paid is beyond pain.
(Okay, WordPress redid their site last night and now, inexplicably, this link won’t show up here. It is officially pissing me off. You’re going to have to just click on this crappy photo instead).
5. [Tie] Key Largo by Bertie Higgins & The Year of the Cat by Al Stewart
It was a dogfight in the “Inexplicable Casablanca Reference” category between Key Largo’s “here’s looking at you kid” and Year of the Cat’s “Peter Lorre contemplating a crime.” But, as Killian once said, “why choose!” So you get both.
Year of the Cat
(Ooo, the Year of the Cat link doesn’t work now either. Jesus you would think they could at least put a flag up here saying the link is broken wouldn’t you? No. They just deleted it. Makes me look like a goddamn idiot. Anyway click here if you would like some Year of the Cat goodness.)
4. A Little More Love, Olivia Newton-John
This is what I was singing when I passed the cool kids. Had they heard me — and caught me — they would have had every right to beat my ass.
Oh mother FUCKER. This one isn’t here now either. Click on the picture of uber-hot ONJ if you want to see the video:
3. Sara by Jefferson Starship
Time has been cruel to Jefferson [Insert Name of Flying Machine]. Sure they were a little presumptuous to claim they “Built This City on Rock and Roll” but worst song of all time? Did they forget about P. Diddy’s “I’ll Be Missing You?”
2. Don’t Let It End by Styx
Oof. I knew Styx was gonna snag the number two spot but I didn’t anticipate such a close call between Don’t Let It End and the Best of Times. Ultimately I determined I might actually get up in a bar and sing the Best of Times.
1. Jet by Wings
All Wings song are deficient in their own way. What makes Jet particularly bad are the lyrics. They are both ridiculous and embarrassing. You simply can’t look cool singing “Ah Mater want Jet to always love me.” And what the hell is he singing about anyway? Paul claims it was written about his horse. Ah…that explains these lyrics perfectly:
Jet. Was your father as bold as the sergeant major
How come he told you that you were hardly old enough yet
And Jet I thought the major was a lady suffragette
Okay roll the tape before I change my mind. This is horrible.
Just missing the cut: “99” by Toto; “Tubthumping” by Chumba-Wumba; “Freedom” by George Michael; “Amanda” by Boston; “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club.
Not even close: Any Neil Diamond song (they’re all crap).
Disagree? Please add your songs and/or tell me I’m wrong.