The Daily Punk

April 2, 2008

(The Youth of America: If They Aren’t Fucking Old Men They’re Killing Teachers Edition)

1. Kids These Days

A passel of Third Graders conspired to kill their teacher. The facts are fuzzy but apparently she tried to enforce a controversial “no vodka in the milk” rule. Here’s the story:

I will condemn the brats; brought duct tape, electrical and transparent tape, handcuffs, a broken steak knife and other items to school. They had assigned tasks to one another like covering the windows and cleaning up afterwards. Musn’t leave a mess, or evidence… wow, true premeditation. The teacher was tipped off when another child told her about the steak knife.

Hmmm. I’m just throwing this out here but maybe, just maybe, there’s a little, again, just a little, too much violence on TV these days. I’m sorry, I apologize, that can’t be it. Please don’t revoke my ACLU card.

2. Arizona QB Matt Leinert Giving Ladies the Booze

Matt Leinert is a fool.  He and Nick Lachey (Foolish Act #1) brought a group of moderately attractive (Foolish Act #2) 19 and 20 year old girls (Foolish Act #3) come to his house for some beer bong action (Foolish Act #4) which, naturally, he let the girls photograph (FA #5).   

Matt Leinert Beer Bonging it Up

“The Dirty” has more pics if you care; nothing scandalous.

3. Clinton (Bill) Goes Nuts in Front of Superdelegates

These guys are really starting to lose their minds, I swear. Clinton went nuts in front of a bunch of superdelegates about Bill “Judasish” Richardson’s “defection.”

It was as if someone pulled the pin from a grenade.

“Five times to my face (Richardson) said that he would never do that,” a red-faced, finger-pointing Clinton erupted.

The former president then went on a tirade that ran from the media’s unfair treatment of Hillary to questions about the fairness of the votes in state caucuses that voted for Obama. It ended with him asking delegates to imagine what the reaction would be if Obama was trailing by just 1 percent and people were telling him to drop out.

“It was very, very intense,” said one attendee. “Not at all like the Bill of earlier campaigns.”

Poor Bill. It was so much easier to keep up the “marriage” charade when they weren’t forced to live in the same City.

4. Finally. Some Dirt on McCain.

This is the first “anti-McCain” article I’ve seen from the Democrat side of the Intertubes. About fucking time.

5. Katie Lee Joel Mania

Billy Joel married a hottie named Katie Lee something or other (it’s Katie Lee Joel now). She’s 27 or so and claims she didn’t even know who Billy Joel was before he strolled up and asked her out. As the young hotties are wont to do, she said “no thanks fat man.” Thankfully her friends interrupted her astonished laughter to set her straight. Realization set in: “Billy” was more than just another overly-optimistic fat man; he was a rich and famous overly-optimistic fat man.

And thus did love bloom. Straight out of a Marquez novel I tell you; magical realism come alive!

Whatever, she’s hot so let’s roll.

Katie lee Joel and Beth Ostrovsky

Keep Your Gold Diggers Straight: The One On the Right is Beth Ostrovsky (Soon To Be Stern)

6. Congress Takes on Big Oil (At Least for the Cameras)

The cameras were on so the Senators decided to ask some oil executives a few questions.

Appearing before a House committee, the executives were pressed to explain why they should continue to get billions of dollars in tax breaks when they made $123 billion last year and motorists are paying record gasoline prices at the pump.

“On April Fool’s Day, the biggest joke of all is being played on American families by Big Oil,” Rep. Edward Markey, D-Mass., said, aiming his remarks at the five executives sitting shoulder-to-shoulder in a congressional hearing room.

Yup, oil companies get special tax concessions. National Security, you know how it is. Don’t ask. You wouldn’t understand.

7. Shocking News: White People Avoid Discussing Race In Front of Black People.

Grad students: If you can’t think of anything to research just “prove” something everyone knows. Like this guy whose findings reveal that “Whites Scared of Saying Something Wrong When It Comes to Race.” Here’s some ideas in case you can’t think of anything:

  • Do Korean Ladies at Nail Salons Mock Customers in Native Tongue?
  • Do Mexican Dudes Have a Prejudice Against T-Shirts with Sleeves and an Unjustified Belief that Mustaches Are Cool?
  • Can Drivers Deduce Whether a Driver is an Asian Woman Merely by Watching Her Merge Into Traffic?

Race discussions made easy I tell you.

8. Breaking News: The Media Doesn’t Know Why The Market Went Down!

I see yet another story about “why” stocks fell today. This time it’s because the “Fed Chief” made some comments that were pessimistic. Hell he may have said something that was optimistic, who the hell knows, I didn’t bother to read it, it’s irrelevant. How can you even classify his comments as pessimistic or optimistic? Did he come out and say “I have some bad news folks, get out your sell slips.” Doubtful. And it doesn’t matter anyway. The Fed Chief’s comments aren’t “why” stocks rose or fell. And everybody knows it…

Fact is we have an unbelievably complex and varied financial system, scores of information, and millions of investors in our market. To pinpoint the precise reason why stocks acted on a particular day is pointless: there are probably five thousand factors that affected prices and the most important of those reasons may be miniscule in and of itself. If we get another 9/11 — you know, like a 9/12 or something — stocks will fall. Okay. But attributing the average everyday stock decline or rise to one concrete fact is absurd.

Here. In an effort to save you some time, I’ve made the following cheat sheet. It will apply to 98% of all daily stock market fluctuations. You can put down the Wichita Suns’ Financial Section now:

In financial news today, the Dow Jones Industrial Average [Rose/Fell] [Dramatically/Slightly] due to [Better Than Expected/Average/Worse Than Expected] [Earnings Results/Financial News/Oil Prices/Comments from {President/Fed Chief/Insert Name of Some Other Monkey}].

FYI, the dudes at the Freakonomics Blog (a very cool extension of their pretty average book) did a great post on this today (which is what sparked this post naturally):

I may be wrong, but it strikes me that the articles that appear in nearly every newspaper every day that describe a particular day’s stock-market movements are pretty much worthless.

They try to pin a cause or two on the effect that’s just been observed, when in fact the effect may have little relationship with the narrow causes being credited. Consider, for instance, this A.P. headline and news brief that appeared on Yahoo! News at about 2:30 p.m. yesterday:

9. Robin Williams Boning Hot 27 Year Old Artist, Charlotte Filbert

I just saw that “comedian” Robin Williams — you know him, you hate him — is boning some 27 year old artist hottie. Her name is Charlotte Filbert. This is the only photo available of her on the Internet by the way so live it up.

Charlotte Filbert

You know a woman is young when she says her career as an artist began when she “came in first in a fifth graders art competition.” Frankly I’m starting to see why this woman is dating Robin Williams. She is to “artist” what Robin Williams is to “comedian.” (Lame). Check this one out and let’s see if you can guess the title of the work:

Charlotte Filbert Painting

Guess the Title

  • “Lotsa Lines and Colors and Hey Is That P. Diddy?”
  • “Art 101 Final”
  • “XO”
  • “This’ll give me some New York cred”

  • 10. Ubiquituous Product Placement

    Finally I bring to you a little deal I saw on iGoogle. The Complete Far Side. Normally $150. Today only — $64.95. Freaking buy it. I’m serious. You buy it now. Stop being dicks.

    School for the Gifted

    The Complete Far Side 1980-1994 (2 vol set)

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