Ye Olde’ Daily Punk

March 17, 2008

(Breaking News: J.P. Morgan to Cut 7,000 Bear Stearns Employees. Scroll Down to #5 Below for More)

1.  Sir Paul Jack Rolled By Mills

Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills (the one-legged one) was just awarded $48 million.  The news is reporting that she was “happy” with the result.  Not exactly. Among other things she bitches about the fact that her daughter was awarded “only” $70,000 per year in travel expenses and plans to appeal.  Here are her comments.

2.  More Jack Rolling of Sir Paul (and Friends)

The New York Post says that Mariah’s new song is poised to hit number one, thus “tying the Beatles for all time number ones.”  This is completely absurd, in about eight ways.  Here are the top three.

  • The Beatles had 20 number one singles.  Mariah has had 17 (18 if this newest song hits number one as expected).  Unless the technical definition of a tie is “somewhere around 90% of the other group’s total,” I wouldn’t call this a tie.
  • The Beatles would have had far more but were blocked.  By themselves.  This is a truly unbelievable stat:

At one time in 1964, they held twelve positions on Billboard Hot 100 singles chart, including the top five positions, which has never been accomplished by any other artist. The songs were “Can’t Buy Me Love” (Capitol Records), “Twist and Shout” (Tollie Records), “She Loves You” (Swan Records), “I Want to Hold Your Hand” (Capitol), and “Please Please Me” (Vee-Jay).

  • Not to diss Mariah but her songs are forgettable (okay that was pretty much a diss wasn’t it?).  Despite having 17 “Number One”  hits, I can’t name one.  I’m not trying to be an ass, I truly can’t name one.  I know there was that one where she did the high pitch squeal and that other one where she sang “gimme your love, gimme your love” over and over, and of course the one where she was on the jet-ski in the video, and then there was the one about butterflies and that’s it.  Yeah I can’t name ONE.

3. Cheney Deserves No “Credit.” Cheney rolled into Baghdad this weekend and snagged for hisself a little undeserved cred for the surge.  This is one of those audacities that someone can get away with only because no one pays attention.  The War started five years ago.  The reasons we went there were determined to be unfounded.  Estimates project we will be there at least five more years.  Estimates put the price of the War as high as $3 trillion, etc.

If you recall, Cheney at the time said our soldiers would be greeted by hordes of grateful children, their eyes glistening with relief, bearing succulent, honey-laden stacks of backlava, who would rush into the soldier’s arms and bring them into their homes to enjoy feasts of roasted lamb (actually he said we would be greeted as “liberators” but you know what I mean).

Maybe the surge has been successful — we all hope so — but for Cheney to take credit is ridiculous.  That’s like John Hinckley taking credit for the good works of James Brady’s charity.  (Okay that was a little obscure, let me try again).  That’s like Britney taking credit for K-Fed getting to spend more “quality time” with the kids.  (That was way too wordy and topical, give me one more chance).  That’s like Hillary taking credit for spreading the good word of Reverend Wright.  (Aww forget it).

4.  General Petraeus Concedes that Enemy Iraqis “Keeping Their Powder Dry”

Quote from General Petraeus:

In the interview, Petraeus conceded that some elements of both the Awakening movement and the Mahdi Army may be standing down in order to prepare for the day when the U.S. presence is diminished. “Some of them may be keeping their powder dry,” Petraeus said of Mahdi Army members. “Obviously you would expect some of that to happen.”

It’s pretty apparent at this point that, whatever candidate you choose, we aren’t leaving Iraq.  Ever.

5.  Morgan to Fire 7,000 Bear Stearns Employees

J.P. Morgan just announced they will be cutting over 7,000 Bear Stearns  (half of their 14,000 total employees), despite getting an artificially low interest loan from the Fed.  (There are no other news sources reporting this at this point so I can’t link to anything, sorry).

Maybe it’s just me but shouldn’t one of the conditions of the Fed’s loan have been that they freeze any firing?  What’s the point of our government subsidizing the collapse of the banks if it just means people losing their jobs?  The answer, of course, is simple.  This administration cares about banks and corporations, not the citizens.  As the Treasury Secretary noted, the bailout was an emergency move done to “save” the financial institutions; an unprecedented maneuver:

We’re very aware of moral hazard. But our primary concern right now — my primary concern — is the stability of our financial system.

Okay, so they bail out the banks.  That makes sense.  But the employees?  Why force them to bear this burden?  It couldn’t have cost too much more to provide additional funding to keep the employees for a certain period of time, six months perhaps?  Nope.

Still unanswered is how many of the higher up executives — who ostensibly should be held responsible for this collapse — will lose their jobs.

6.  Brad and Bill, Cooling Out

I rant about Hillary a lot but I still love the Man, Bill.  By the time this is over I may be sick of his shit but, when you see him chilling with Brad Pitt, you realize he’s fucking cool.  There is no limit to the amount of pussy this man could get.  The fact that he threw a bone (literally) to a young chubby girl?  Just another example of his kindness.

Brad Pitt and Bill Clinton Chilling

7.  Why Does Hillary Wear Such Bad Clothes.

This is unfair but funny; an article is asking why Hillary always looks bad.  It’s absurd of course, in fact she looks so much better than she did ten years ago which is a vast improvement over twenty years ago.  Seriously look at her for Godsakes.  To paraphrase Kramer “She’s hideous!”

Hippy Hillary

I still say all of Bill’s problems were caused by people’s hatred of Hillary.  People just don’t like her.

8.  Van Halen Detractors Best Bow Down

In the course of looking up all these pointless Mariah and Beatles facts I came across this list of all time record sales.  As you can see Mariah has sold no where near as many albums as the Beatles (and the Beatles performed in the “singles era” which isn’t counted here).  More shocking?  My boys, the Van Halen brothers, are #17 all time in record sales.  Seriously, I’m shocked by this.

BEATLES, THE 170
BROOKS, GARTH 128
PRESLEY, ELVIS 118.5
LED ZEPPELIN 111.5
EAGLES 98
JOEL, BILLY 79.5
PINK FLOYD 74.5
STREISAND, BARBRA 71
JOHN, ELTON 69.5
AC/DC 69
STRAIT, GEORGE 67
AEROSMITH 66.5
ROLLING STONES, THE 66
SPRINGSTEEN, BRUCE 63.5
MADONNA 63
CAREY, MARIAH 61.5
JACKSON, MICHAEL 60.5
METALLICA 57
VAN HALEN 56.5

9.  Love and Sex with Robots

Finally someone has come along with the proper balance of foresight and guts to consider the dream most of us have harbored since our first glimpse at the tender, inviting claws of Armatron:  Sex with Robots.

The book is entitled “Love and Sex with Robots” by David Levy.  Although I haven’t read the book, the title alone already tells me two important facts: a.  It’s about sex with robots.  b.  It was written by a nerd so preoccupied with sexing up the robots he couldn’t be bothered to come up with a decent title.

Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships

Sex with robots is an eventuality.  The only real issue is how long the Pax Robotica will last before the robots evolve even further and turn into human killing automatons intent on choking us out of existence.  Hopefully we’ll get a good ten glory years of robot bonin’ in before they turn on us, but you never know.
10.  Seriously Dude, It’s For the Best

Guy was going to propose with some sort of balloon contraptionation.  The wind kicked up and carried the balloons away, including his $12,000 ring.  That’s God, my friend, telling you something.

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