(Today’s Ten Biggest Stories, As Determined by Me, Internet Idiot and “Kristen” News Addict)

1.  World Dollar Abandonment Continues

Gold hit $1,000 an ounce today, another sign that investors and currency speculators continue to abandon the Dollar as the safe currency of choice (or, at the very least, indicating speculation that the Dollar’s decline will continue for the foreseeable future).  Those pesos I’m holding?  Up another 35 cents.  (Nailed it!)  As France’s Foreign Minister said today in regard the United States’ formerly great prestige: “the magic is over.”

2.  Cat and Woman Share Staph Bug

Doctors.  Always with the claiming that humans can’t get the same infectious diseases as their animals.  Uhhhh:

A German woman repeatedly battled the same strain of drug-resistant superbug MRSA until her cat was tested and treated. It’s one of the few documented cases of transmission of methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus between a person and a cat.

The otherwise healthy woman had deep abscesses, or boils, all over her back, said Dr. Andreas Sing, a microbiologist at the Bavarian Health and Food Safety Authority in Oberschleissheim near Munich. Nasal and other swabs from her husband and two children showed they carried the MRSA germ on skin but had no signs of infection.

Liars.

3.  UNC Student Body President Killers Caught; May Also Be Responsible for Murder of Duke Doctoral Student.

Police finally caught the clowns driving around in Eve Carson’s car.  More shocking, however, is the allegation those blithe, idiotic killers may also be responsible for the murder of Duke graduate student Abhijit Mahato, a native of India and prospective Doctoral Candidate.  A touching element to this story is found on a web page that Doctor Mahato began before his demise.  As this excerpt shows, he struggled for the words to express himself adequately, a common malady for all new bloggers.  What he calls “lame,” however, is, in hindsight, eloguent evidence of this beloved man’s undeniable humanity:

This is indeed a very lame introduction. But what else can I say about myself, except that I am the son of my parents, brother of my sister and brother-in-law of her husband?! And I have a cute and naughty nephew.

Too much attention is given to attractive and privileged murder victims.  These deaths, however, are truly poignant.  Two smart and caring young people were sacrificed.  Eve Carson, a dedicated and giving leader.  Dr. Mahato, a caring family member who struggled to attain the dream offered by one of America’s last great institutions, a graduate education.  Qualities expended to satisfy the transient needs of two cash-sucking thugs.

This website is written by someone who knew Dr. Mahato.  In it he issues an eloquent elegy to his friend.  It strikes me, however, that the sentiments expressed are appropos to both of these victims:

As his parents mourn the loss of their bright and brilliant son, here’s a heartfelt wish that this grieving family find peace and comfort in the thought that this promising young soul is now embraced by the compassionate almighty. Rest In Peace, dear friend.

4.  Voters Dislike for Hillary Now Rubbing Off On Bill.

Evidently it’s block quote day.  But this is too good to pass up:

It seems that the more voters see of Bill Clinton, the less they like him. The poll shows a significant shift in his approval rating from a year ago. In March 2007, some 48% of those surveyed had a positive view of the former president, and 35% had a negative view. Now his negatives outpace his positives, 45% to 42%.

The storyline has always read that Hillary helped make Bill who he is today.  These statistics makes me wonder.  In hindsight, it does seem as if much of the vitriol about Clinton stemmed from the actions of Hillary: Vince Foster, Travelgate, the failed National Medical Card, Whitewater. Of course none of those accusations were remotely fair or substantiated but that’s beside the point.  Call it jealousy, sexism, misogyny, whatever, there is clearly some deep seated agonism against Hillary in the American public.  This is 90% of the reason why I have never supported her as a candidate: I severely doubt that she is electable; if she is elected she will be bird-dogged incessantly and accomplish nothing.

I rip Hillary but the fact of the matter is that, but for the American public, the GOP, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, and latent sexism, she would likely be a very good President.  And one day humans will have sex with robots and make human-robot hybrid babies.

5.  Redesigned Five Dollar Bill.

I have a feeling this is the closest thing to color we are going to see on American currency in our lifetime.

6.  Time Flies When You’re A Butt-Fucking Moron.

An ambulance was called to a mobile home and medics found 35-year-old Pam Babcock “stuck” to her boyfriend’s toilet.  She had evidently sat there for two years and her skin grew into the grooves and crevices of the toilet seat.  She had become one with the seat.  That’s gross and weird and … gross.  But the best part are the quotes from the boyfriend, Kory McFarren:

  • Why was she there?  She had a “phobia about leaving the bathroom.”

  •  Why didn’t you call for help?  “She is an adult; she made her own decision…I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it.”

  •  How long had she been in there?  He couldn’t be certain because “time just went by so quick I can’t pinpoint how long.”

Keep in mind this is a “mobile home.”  You ever seen a mobile home with two bathrooms?  I haven’t.

7.  Riverside, Iowa.

Something is happening in Riverside, Iowa.  What the hell could it be?  It’s the top search on Google right now.

  • Could it be this recent story? Hard working employee wins free night’s stay at casino, gets drunk, takes Casino’s claim that it’s “just like Vegas” too literally, demands prostitute, gets fired.

  • Rick Springfield played there last Saturday.  That couldn’t be it.  He didn’t even play “Working for the Weekend.”  Oh…wait…yes he did.

8.  Fox News Prints Awesome Headline.

They deserve credit when it is due I suppose.  I love this headline.

FoxNews Capture

9.  Pornification of America Continues.

I wrote earlier this morning that this sex scandal is going to make “Kristen” the next big star. On the same topic of the sluticizing of America, today it was revealed that Eric Buchholz, star Boston Red Sox pitcher, is doing dating “Erica Ellyson,” Penthouse Pet.  (The link is pretty much safe).  Don’t confuse Penthouse with Playboy.  In the latter the ladies are nude but pretty and doll-ed up and (relatively) demure.  In the former they’re holding their labia open and fingering their assholes.

Joe DiMaggio dated Marilyn Monroe.  It’s been all downhill from there.

10.  Botox Turning Nicole Kidman Into a Bat-Face.

Finally, this may be the most unfair and groundless story ever.  (If that’s a “bat face” then sign me up for some “bat fucking.”)  But it’s still awesomely hilarious.

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