Dear Journal:

After much anticipation, I finally get chance to hear English super-hit “Der Kommissar.”  At first I honored, considering I am Kommissar of largest city of East Germany and, naturally, I assume “hey, this song about me!”  But after listen to lyric I am sad. This Kommissar they speak of is bad man!  He have all the power, not the citizen.  He make the people die faster if they live, something I cannot understand.  But, most trouble of all, this Kommissar clearly have some problem with comrades turning around.  In fact, strangely named singers After the Fire so scared they say many time “don’t turn around” merely because the Kommissar happen to be in the same town!  Truly, this Kommissar is terrible man!

Turning about on heels is natural act!  In fact, it comrade’s duty to turn around if comrade hear, say, May Day celebration, or Lenin body traveling past, or sound of nuclear missile being launch at imperialists! In this case it crime to not turn around yes?  And I challenge any comrade to resist the turning around when he catch the whiff of fresh borscht or pass a beautiful fraulein with the onion shape hinterteile!  No man — not even this evil dictatorial Kommissar of pop music fame — could resist such temptations!

Of course — like speaking and thinking — every freedom must have limits.  Did not Lenin himself say every tenth man should be shot because of idleness?  And what is turning around if not wanton idleness?  Indeed, if every comrade were to turn around for no reason, this would result in the citizenry turning about all the days!  This lead to serious injury and hurt fellow comrades, yes?  In fact, I think it correct to say that unfettered liberty to turn around make City into mayhem!

So, in concludes, I think this Kommissar was indeed correct and maybe misunderstood.  In fact, I will institute new rule tomorrow forbidding this wanton, lustful, capitalistic turning about whenever one thinks it right to do so.  This act will greatly promote our great socialist system and enhance the might of our state!

Unless, of course, it is to witness the passing of a shapely fraulein with the onion shape hinterteile, that never could be crime….