Saying Tom Cruise is an idiot is like saying Paris Hilton is … well an idiot frankly. Anyway, you get the idea, it’s obvious. Just in case you disagree, however, I feel obliged to present the evidence:

6. He Married An Alien.

Scientologist hate aliens; like Xenu, the megalomaniac who stuffs people into volcanoes. Nevertheless, in a shocking turn of events, the Cruiser married Nicole Kidman: card carrying alien and all around freaky lady.

Nic n’ Me

5. He Refused to Make Cocktail 2.

Sources have it that Bryan Brown was practically begging him to make the sequel to Cocktail (tentatively titled Cocktail 2: Coughlin’s Punishments). The script filled in the “lost years” between Young Flannigan’s start at Fridays and the job at that crappy nouveau bar where people spouted off bad poetry. While this may not seem like much of a plot setting, the script did allow Coughlin to make a crapload of new “Coughlin’s laws,” including these gems:

  • “The pickled pig’s feet are for the okies, stick with the beer nuts!”
  • “Salt the rims! The Salt makes em’ thirsty. If they’re thirsty they’ll drink more. That’ll make em drunk. And when they’re drunk, they’ll screw.”
  • “Remember when I said ‘beer is for breakfast’? Well for lunch I like a hot cup of bisque.”

Look, the laws need work but the movie would have been awesome. Plus old BB could have used a few extra bucks in his pocket before he retired to Dobie-Ville or wherever it is he’s from. Fuckin’ Cruise.

4. His Real Last Name is Mapother.

If my middle name was Cruise and last name was “Mapother” I’d probably change it too. But at age 12? At age 12 I thought going to garage sales and wearing black socks with tennis shoes was cool because that’s what my Dad did. Meanwhile the Cruiser was telling his Dad to get bent by dropping the family name.

3. Terrible Priorities

Instead of boning every hottie in LA or making his fans’ dreams come true by giving out Bugatis, the Cruiser spends his time taping crazed rants like this:

Look, Tom Cruise is Being All Nutty Again!

(Yes, I spent the last week watching Seasons 2 and 3 of Entourage, get off my back).

2. Now I’m Not Saying He’s Gay But…

…a straight Tom Cruise should have a better roster than this:

  • Mimi Rogers. She was kinda hot back in the day but certainly not “Risky Business” hot. We’ll give him a C+.
  • Nicole Kidman. Stop defending her genius work in Cold Mountain. She’s a peanut-head, abandoned alien with an irritating, haughty accent. C.
  • Penelope Cruz. A- Okay, she’s legit. So why the minus? Cause she’s the one human on Earth with an even more annoying voice than Kidman.
  • Katie Holmes. Bad actress. Mediocre cute. Certainly not worth jumping up and down about (literally in Cruise’s case). C.

Look — gay or no gay — people should think the biggest star in Hollywood has boned a more quality line-up. If he can’t screw em on account of his sexuality religion, he should have at least make up a few stories. It’s laziness I tell you.

1. He’s Fostering L. Ron Hubbard’s Sperm.

L. Ron was a bad writer, a worse prophet, and an ugly man. That’s bad enough. Toss in his love of sailor’s caps and the dude flat irks.

Yo Cruiser, if you must foster-sperm a weird, cap-loving, ugly man’s offspring at least make it somebody cool. Like, you know, David Lee Roth or Abe Lincoln or something.