It’s a given. Shitty trends we gladly waved goodbye to years ago will inexorably spring their well-trodden asses up and the kids will be all into it again, like those crappy Shaggy haircuts and trucker caps from a few years back. In an effort to prepare you for the inevitable, I present my list of the top ten horrible trends that should never have happened yet are destined to return…

1. Boy Bands.

At present the boy band count stands at zero. But just as the Jackson 5 spawned the New Kids which begat the Backstreet Boys, you can bet that — somewhere out there — gangs of baby faced punks are forming together under the auspices of “keeping it real” and “being all about the music.” I’ll even make a prediction as to their names:

  • First up,”Tenderness.” They hard, but they tender yo.
  • Second, the “Young’ns.” (This would be the black group.)
  • Third,”Sweet N’ Sour.” I’m thinking like two street toughs and two mama’s boys. Maybe we toss an obviously gay kid who doesn’t know it yet into the mix.
  • Finally, the “Yentl Youth,” the world’s first Jewish boy band.

(To be honest, I would welcome the Sephardic stylings of the Yentl Youth but that’s just me).

2. Comfort Food.

I once paid $32.95 for the privilege of eating a “sandwich grillé à fromage” at Spago. (That’s a grilled cheese sandwich to you and me). That’s kitschy and cute. I’m talking about shit like Turkey Tetrazzini and Chipped Beef on Toast.

3. Grandma Panties.

So far, with the thonged out sluttiness of today’s youth, the grandma panties have yet to return. But it’s only a matter of time. That being said I will take the hotties wearing the grannies over them thong-wearing Grannies I’ve been hearing about.

4. Oversized Girls Clothes.

Baggy, oversized clothes were the bane of my high school and college existence. Ladies got away with murder by wearing huge sweatshirts that hid their out-of-shape asses. Thank us, children, as you thrive under the beneficent umbrella we
crafted by tricking women into thinking it’s sexy to wear next to nothing and make out with their hot friends. It wasn’t always this way.

5. Sansabelts.

I don’t even remember what a Sansabelt was, I just like the name. Which makes me think it’s coming back.

(UPDATE: A Sansabelt is a stretchy waisted pant for men. Like Mom Jeans (bad enough) only they’re for MEN (worse). And here’s the kicker: the belt is built into the jean. It’s a revolution I tell you. Here’s a link. You should buy them now. Next year they’ll be the new sweetness.)

6. Bald Chicks.

Ala Susan Powter or Sinead. Bald chicks are always good for a laugh or two. Unless they have cancer. In which case they’re less funny.

7. The Release of Another Overhyped Google Feature.

For some reason, everytime Google rolls out a new feature, people flip out and proclaim it to be an “Internet revolution.” Google could announce they’re building a toaster right now and fools would start shoving Pop-Tarts into their CD drives. But other than Gmail (which is spotty at best) and the search engine (which is inundated with ads and bullshit redirect websites), they haven’t done crap as far as I can tell. Nevertheless, when they roll out the “Sergei Snow-Cone Machine” next week, nerds’ll cry.

(Yes, that was less of a trend and more of a rant. I apologize).

8. “Roni.”

Roni is some ageless chick who apparently has a mystical pussy and the ability to seduce at least one soul singer from each decade into writing a crappy song about her. See Bobby Brown, Michael Jackson and that other, less know, Roni song from the late 90’s. Poor Roni is sporting a walker these days but that won’t stop this sex crazed R&B Goddess.

9. Wood Paneling.

There was a time and a place when a fellow could exit his wood paneled car, enter his wood paneled house and eat a wood
paneled sandwich. Specifically, the time was 1978 and the place was my Grandparents’ double wide.

And finally…

10. Million Dollar Internet Ideas.

There is NOTHING more irritating than seeing yet another “entrepreneur” on the Today Show looking all smug because he trundled out some bullshit like the “Million Dollar Home Page” or “One Red Paper Clip” and has tricked the media into
thinking it’s a legitimate business. Let’s be honest, these ideas are crap. Do you REALLY think each of those “Red Paperclip” trades was fair? What was that last one — a house for an Otter Pop?