The Haps With the Craps (March 14, 2008)

The Daily Punk

March 14, 2008

(Ten Interesting Stories as Decided by Me, the Ultimate Arbiter of Taste, Style, and Decorum)

1.   Nero Fiddled, Marie Antoinette Baked Cake, Bush Hands Out $600 Checks.

Bush gave a speech to the Economic Club of New York and offered them his assurance that the economy is stable and on the rebound.  He actually had the audacity to say that the $600 checks would take care of everything.  I could reiterate how pathetic it is but a few folks have already done the job for me.

Thanks to Danny Hellman for the picture that I “borrowed” above (although I added in the sweet cake and $600 check).

2.  The Economy Continues to Go Down the Tubes.

The venerable — yet beleagured — investment bank Bear Stearns is going broke (hey just another day in our “non-receding market” right?). The Dollar is crashing while gold is rising.  The stock market is tanking.  We’re losing our International prestige.  This is getting scary.

There is but one cataclysmic event yet to happen that would definitively signal the end times have begun.  Thankfully, until now, such an event has shown no signs of…aw crap…

Fuck.  Dr. Venkman was right.  Dogs and cats are living together.

3.  The GOP’s Shocking List of Committees.

Patriotic civil disobediant (err I mean “Awful Criminal”) Christopher J. Ward, allegedly funneled as much as $1 million from committee funds into his private bank accounts. (“This is boring Atomic Punk, I can read this on CNN!” you say.  Shut the fuck up, the best part is yet to come).  “Ward, who has also been treasurer of 82 other GOP committees this decade, could face $1 million in fines blah blah blah.

Wait a minute, what?!  Yup, you read right.  The GOP has 82 Committees.  Shit, more than 82, that’s just the number Ward was in charge of.

Of course being the diligent blogger that I am, I decided I must know what these committees are.  So I looked them up on the Intertubes.  What I found, ladies and gentlemen, is shocking.  When this list is revealed it will bring to an end the two-party system as we know it (thus giving us but one disfunctional, antagonistic set of elections every year, but I digress).

Without further ado, here are my five favorite GOP Committees:

• The Committee To Funnel Funds to Gigantic Corporations But Make It Look As If We Care About the Common Folk.

• The Committee To Teach Bush Gooder Diction.

• The Committee To Bribe More Influential Columnists On Account of No One With a Modicum Of Sense Actually Buys the Shit We’re Selling.

• The Committee to Find Out Once and For All if Hillary Is a “Lesbo” and, If So, Whether She Wears a Strap On.

• The Committee to Decide if $600 is Sufficiently Large to Convince Dumbasses That Their Government Is Actually Doing Something About the Shitty Fiscal Mess this Presidency has Left Us.

If you know of any more, please feel free to comment below.

4.  Ashley Alexandra Dupre Update.

Just as I predicted, the positive music reviews have begun for “Kristen’s” music.  God this is great!  This Country has gotten so predictable hasn’t it?  Anyway, the point is the redemption of America’s newest-sweetheart/oldest-professional has begun!   Here’s People Magazine’s review:

The reviews are in – and Ashley Alexandra Dupré may just have a future in music.

In the days since she was first identified as “Kristen,” the 22-year-old at the center of the sex scandal that brought down New York Governor Elliot Spitzer is seeing her career as an aspiring singer skyrocket.

Her music is already getting airplay on New York radio. And critics are taking a deeper listen to songs on the music site Amie Street. The verdict? It’s not great – but no worse than a lot of pop music already out there.

…
Atlantic Records’s Brian Bergen admits he’s intrigued. “I read [about Dupré] this morning and … I really wanted to reach out to her,” he told the music Web site. “I sit around hours and hours every day trying to figure out ways to break new artists. Right now, she has a platform to reach the masses.”

My boy RyanO has some great pictures of Ashley.  He’s bird-dogging this thing so if you want the pics, go to his site “Hotties in the News.”  Also, the New York Post has a great quote from everyone’s favorite Super-Ho:  “OMG, I just fucked the Governor.”

O. M. G.  Indeed.

5.  Obama’s Pastor is a Piker Compared to Falwell and Robertson.

Obama’s pastor Jeremiah Wright is allegedly racist and anti-American.  Here’s what he said after 9/11:

We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America’s chickens are coming home to roost.

Employing the transitive theory of Republican logic, the wingers claim that Obama should be held responsible for those thoughts.  If so, shouldn’t every GOP candidate and party man be held responsible for these words:

I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen.

That was Jerry Falwell, in case you forgot.  He made that statement to Pat Robertson.  If you recall, Robertson nodded his head and said something like “Boy Howdy!” Why does this matter?  Because, in case you aren’t aware, both men are highly influential in the party and have backed nearly every GOP candidate openly for the past twenty years.

I have an idea for the party of personal responsibility.  How about we hold people responsible for their own statements and stop castigating a candidate because he is friendly with a pastor whose opinion may differ from that of the general public.  Doesn’t healthy discourse require some tolerance for dissenting ideas?  Don’t we want politicians who have the open-mindedness to listen to intemperate statements and decide for themselves?

Naw that’s crazy talk.  Let’s put another entrenched arrogant ass in office who thinks God guides his actions, that’s a better idea.

6. White House Spokesperson Dana Perino Is Hot.

I have to admit it, I have a thing for ice queens, so I find White House Spokeslady Dana Perino to be kind of hot.  Nice work Bushie, that’ll distract em!

7.  Olivia Newton-John Was Hot

This has nothing to do with anything but I caught me a hankering for some Olivia Newton-John last night.  See I was by myself and listening to Dark Side of the Moon and, naturally, I had to have a few “beverages” which, of course, made me melancholy and when I’m melancholy by God what is there to do but turn to the Mistress of heartfelt emotion herself, ONJ.  I settled on this song — A Little More Love — as my favorite combination of emotional pull and cuteness.

8.  Ants are Cheaters

If you saw “Antz” this is hardly a shocker.

9.  Argentinian Airport Security Officer Refuses Bride, is Awarded with Ultimate Honor: a Playboy Spread.

Okay this didn’t happen in the U.S. but — c’mon — it certainly could have.  Hottie security guard Maria de Lujan Telpuk busts businessman bringing a shitload of cash into the Country without declaring it.  He offers her a bribe, she says no, national acclaim follows, and then…and then…oh god, dare a girl dream?!?!

Hugh Hefner offers her some cash to pose naked in his magazine!

10.  Tom Cruise Acts Like a (Choose One: Nutball or Idiot).  

Scientologists throw the Cruiser a birthday party. He does the Risky Business business.  Oh well, there goes one more cherished childhood memory.

Oh Great Lord Xenu, why have you forsaken us and left us with these dorks?