I have a new favorite biased news source — Thaindian News.  If their name isn’t clear — you moron — they are a Thai based news service serving the local Indian population.  (God you are dumb).  Their take on news stories is phenomenal.  Unlike the pussy assed U.S. Press, the Thaindian folk don’t pull no punches.

On a woman who attempted to bribe an officer with sex…

Elizabeth Ann Kommes has shocked the American dream after offering a police officer a bribe inform of sex to evade a traffic offense arrest. Her license plate said “trouble” and Kommes apparently meant it. The 30-year-old Michigan woman allegedly offered a Wisconsin traffic policeman sex to evade arrest. Wisconsin police charged Elizabeth Ann Kommes for trying to buy her way out of a drunken driving bust with $10000 and an offer of sex to the officer on duty.

The news has shocked the international community over the low self esteem and moral decay in America. Elizabeth Ann Kommes was pulled over for drunk driving on Friday night. She had tagged her car as a troublesome driver. This read on her car license plate. She tried to get out the trouble in the offing offered the cop with $10,000 and sexual favors.

Here’s their take on the new Sienna Miller sex scandal…

Prolific Sienna Miller has been caught topless doing the ugly with a bad boy. Sienna Miller was spotted kissing and canoodling with married “Brothers and Sisters” star Balthazar Getty in Italy on Friday. Miller seems to have decided on making this affair a public gig. Media hype and paparazzi reports are that she has taken her affair with married actor Balthazar Getty public. Online and online news channels have her pictures as she cuddles the married dude. The actress is captivatingly topless on the balcony of an Italian hotel room.

This is a disgrace to the world of morality and social norms. Even stars have kept their dirty linen in public. There is uproar how the two could get so careless and overt such a lewd affair in public. Sienna and Getty are now in the middle of a steamy affair. In the hyped pictures of her on the web and gossip magazines much of her body is exposed.

They don’t seem to like Obama so much…

Having been left short of options and faced by the ugly glare of the media, former president Bill Clinton decided to say he supports Obama, though in such a faint voice that it was notable he was not happy about his decision. Clinton told reporters that he supports Senator Obama through his spokesman Matt McKenna. Matt told reporters in an email statement which was brief and abrasive that “Former President Clinton is obviously committed to doing whatever he can and is asked to do to ensure Senator Obama is the next president of the United States,”

Thaindian News!

You heard the story of Arnel Pineda?  He was a homeless kid in the Phillipines when the newly reformed power-ballad band Journey “found” him on YouTube (check out the video they watched here).  Flat out, the dude could sing him some Journey.  So they traveled overseas and plucked him out of the Pilipine slums like some latter day Oliver Twist.  He didn’t say “jolly good” or anything like that though, he was like “why you tease me? You no Journey.  Where guy with big hair?”

ANYWAY.

Point is the guy can sing.  He isn’t just as good as Steve Perry (the “big hair” original singer who for whatever reason believes he is better off sitting on his ass rather than out making millions touring with Journey), he’s better.  Here’s a little comparison using my favorite Journey song “Stone in Love” as the proving grounds.

Steve Perry Version

Arnel Pineda Version

Granted, Perry prevails in the awesomely rad hair and rockin’ animal tee elements but, for every other category, I’m going Pineda baby).

*****

Here’s New York Times Editor Ben Ratliff’s review of Journey’s new album.  Or you can check out the podcast.

So Clay Bennett and the boys aren’t wasting much time in putting the final touches on the greatest franchise swindle in sports history. Today they even picked a new name: the Oklahoma City Barons.

Personally I believe the NBA should require truth in naming. Thus the Jazz should be the Polygamists, the Lakers should be the Parched Sluts and Oklahoma’s new team should be called…

Oklahoma City Barons official jersey

Please welcome your new Oklahoma City Robber Barons!!! Yay!!!!

Here’s the definition of a Robber Baron in case you were wondering:

Robber baron was a term revived in the 19th century in the United States as a pejorative reference to businessmen and bankers who dominated their respective industries and amassed huge personal fortunes, typically as a direct result of pursuing various anti-competitive or unfair business practices.

Yup, seems to fit.

Well the news is in on the Sonics-City of Seattle lawsuit and the result is what you would expect when the cowardly lion of governmental bodies (Mayor Nichols) gets involved in litigation…

Settlement.

Maybe the City got word the Judge was going to rule against them but I severely doubt it.  The fact is Mayor Nichols knew that, if he lost, the backlash would be huge.  So they make a kissing-your-sister compromise that shows Seattle won’t stand up for its contracts:  Sonics leave, City gets cash.

Hey motherfucker maybe you can use the money to push that bullshit plastic bag initiative you love so much.

I blame:

a.  Howard Schultz.

b.  David Stern.

c.  The Oklahoma City Assholes.

d.  Wally Walker (for ensuring no one cares about the team via horrible draft picks).

e.  Mayor Nichols.

f.  The Ackerleys (for their horrible redesign).

g.  You.

I was browsing political shirts for my other site and came across three shirts so goddamn nerd I wanted to swallow my tongue CIA-style.  And yet…there is something captivating about the nerdiness of this swag.  Check it yo…

1. ROFLMAO

If you don’t get this shirt, I envy you my friend.  I did…and I hate myself for it.  But — nerd or not — I laughed.

2.  Hokey Pokey

You know, I kind of like this.  But would you wear it?  I can’t imagine chilling at the bar, wearing this shirt, then having to deal with the steady stream of crap-comments you’d have to endure.  It’s just painful.

3.  N00b Onesie

Eeeee. Get it? A noob is someone who doesn’t know shit (e.g., a “newbie”).  A baby is, by definition, “new.”  Thus, the kid is both clueless (a n00b) and “new.”  If you buy this for your kid I gotta put you down my friend.  Or steal your kid and indoctrinate him with a healthy dose of hunting and fishing.

I started looking up propaganda on the Internets and came across a few bizarre ones I couldn’t figure out. So I made up my own interpretation of what they mean. Enjoy.

1. Cookie Roller Derby

In Russia they didn’t have money for balls and bases and hoops so they invented their own sports. Like this little barn-burner: Giant cookie rolling.

“Look Comrade! Your little Vladimir’s cookie is stuck in ravine! My Constantina’s cookie has crossed field and ran into Ox! She is most glorious patriot!”

The Message: Play With Your Food Before You Eat It

2. Drunken Animal Glory!

I think this is a promotion for the zoo. The only real question is whether they’re getting the wildlife drunk or having the animals serve shots. Russians loved taking on impossible challenges like learning monkeys how to fly in space or training dogs to walk on their hind legs so I figure a shot pounding rhino isn’t far off the mark.

The Message: Animals? Boring. Drunken Animals? DAH!

3. Attack of the Gigantor Children

I can only surmise that the Russians thought feeding kids massive infusions of borscht would cause them to grow into ginormous temperamental terrors that would wreak havoc on Capitalist Swine while invoking enough “cute-factor” to keep them from being killed. All in all, a brilliant plan.

The Message: Destroy Enemy of Glorious Mother Russia with Chubby Baby!

4. Fish Riders in the Pond

I haven’t done a lot of China-travelin’ so was surprised to learn the Country is packed with giant fish so docile they’ll let a chubby baby climb on their back. What capitalist pig wouldn’t run in terror from a carp-riding fat ass?

The Message: We Will Kill Imperialist Swine on the Back of Fishes!

5. Bear Meat Tastes Better With French’s

This is an advertisement, so not technically propaganda. But it’s weird. From the packaging it looks like the mascot is a bear. But, if so, why are they shooting him? Would Frosted Flakes run an ad featuring Tony in a tiger-cage? Would McDonalds show Ronald eating Mayor McCheese? Probably not.

The Message: Bear Tastes Better with Slutskaya Beet Chutney!

6. Drink!

I woulda thought these are anti-drinking posters but, to me, this looks like a party. Hot babushka cradling a giant bottle of wine? What up Svetlana. And in all my days of drinking I’ve never had fun like that.

The Message: Life in Russia Sucks. Drink, Comrade.

7. Stop the Scourge of Smelly Breasts

It looks like this babushka is washing her naked breast with a cotton swab. Was there an epidemic of bad smelling boobs in Russia or something? Cause that’s yet another fact left out of my history book.

The Message: Clean The Boobs Babushka!

8. Hey I Thought These Guys Were Our Allies!

I’ll never forget that time when Japan fought the British and Roosevelt took the opportunity to surreptitiously steal Australia. Unfortunately he forgot to wear sunscreen and was so badly burnt the Aussies were able to steal it back. SO CLOSE!

The Message: Bloody Berks Stole Our Sub-Continent!

9. And You Thought Spanking Was Bad…

While Americans spent the last 30 years putting their spoiled brats in “timeouts,” the Chinese were teaching their youths how to commit motherfuckin’ murder.

The Message: We really don’t want to get into a war with these guys.

10. The Europeans Are Ocean Devils

This is from 1839 — making it the oldest Propaganda work I found — and is entitled Europeans Are Ocean Devils. It depicts a “European” (as evidence by the three fingers and scaly skin) breathing fire.

Which, as everyone knows, is accurate.

The Message: Europeans Breath Fire But Have No Genitals.

*****

Like these images? You can buy them on shirts and other products by clicking here.

]]> http://dickard.wordpress.com/2008/07/01/weird-propaganda-posters/feed/ Atomic Punk Martin Luther Kingsky Chinese Propaganda the English are Ocean Devils http://dickard.wordpress.com/2008/06/22/chinese-democracy-released/ http://dickard.wordpress.com/2008/06/22/chinese-democracy-released/#comments Sun, 22 Jun 2008 15:52:04 +0000 Atomic Punk http://dickard.wordpress.com/?p=413

Folks’ve been waiting for Axl Rose to release Chinese Democracy for about fifteen years. They wasted their time. Evidently some blogger got his hands on the album and posted a few of the songs on his site. It was shut down in a few hours but the cat was — REEEROOOR! — out of the bag.  Now those songs are on the Intertubes; spreading like some horrific disease.

And I do mean horrific. There’s a reason Axl hasn’t released this shit. Because it is shit. Take a listen. Pay particular attention to “Madagascar” in which Axl once again repeats the infamous line from Civil War/Cool Hand Luke: “what we got here is failure to communicate.”

Yes, Axl, that is what we have here. But, you know, some men you just can’t reach.

First: Madagascar

Second: If The World

The absurd Internet-oddity of the day is Star Wars Dance Off.  If you think you know what this is going to be and don’t feel the need to watch HOW WRING YOU ARE!!!  The first act alone is worth the price of admission: it features an amazing rendition of Footloose danced by Chewbacca and a Jawa.

I’m not usually all about posting crappy celebrity links but this is just absurd.  PETA is all up in arms because Jessica Simpson wore a shirt saying “Real Girls Eat Meat.”  Here it is…

PETA has come out and called her an idiot for doing so and cites a bunch of stats to show that eating meat is bad for you. Fine, who gives a shit.

The problem is that PETA kills animals itself. As reported in a story that is as surprising as it was underreported, PETA runs a number of shelters and euthanizes thousands of animals a year. So if you’re following at home that’s: PETA Kills Animals = Compassion. Jessica Simpson Wears Dumb Shirt = She’s a Bitch.

No wonder PETA isn’t respected.

Oh yes, of COURSE I have the link for the shirt…funny you should ask!

It’s been 20 some-odd years since I stuck Han, Greedo, Chewie and all my Star Wars toys in a box and formally ended my days of playing with “action figures.” I never looked back motherfuckers, I was done. At least I thought I was done.  Then along came a toy that rekindled my long cooled desire to give a figure some action.  That toy?

Why the Cindy McCain Trophy Wife Doll of course!

Hot. Busty. Plastic. Vapid. It’s like the real Cindy McCain only with a lower credit card limit.

Optional prescription drug addiction sold separately.

From Kenner!