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If you — like me — are off scouring the Internet looking for the Worst Tattoo of all time well then I say onto you Mission ‘Complished! Without further ado…
The Corky Tattoo!
FYI, I’m pretty sure this tat is from the book No Regrets: The Best, Worst, & Most #$%*ing Ridiculous Tattoos Ever
Speaking of which this gives me an idea for the BEST tattoo of all time. A tattoo of Tattoo.
Look Boss, I’m on Some Loser’s Leg!
No self-respecting “Internet Blog” can resist chiming in on a subject more tired than Lindsay Lohan’s pussy: teen sex. The basis of the rant-to-come is this article where it’s claimed that young girls are more promiscuous today because they learned about sex from watching Sex and the City. The article takes great pains to say “Sex and the City can’t be blamed for creating a generation of sluts” then goes on to quote a bunch of girls who say Sex and the City turned everyone of their generation into a bunch of sluts. Way to take a stand ABCNews!
But before anyone tries to lynch “Carrie and Big,” I have some news for you: Sex and the City is the least of your concerns. ABCNews failed to follow up on the point but if Sex and the City created a Generation of Sluts, then the parents of today better get ready for a Millenium of Sluts. Castigate Sex and the City all you want but its the blandly named shows like “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” that’re teaching your daughter about making and selling porn. And that’s not the half of it.
Take Tila Tequila’s show on MTV. If her pornesque name alone didn’t clue you in — the male equivalent would be something like “Buck Strongthrust” — her MySpace page should. Tila Tequila is a mediocre looking Asian-American girl who found fame by posting half-nude pics of her massively enhanced self on her page. That’s it. That’s the resume. No, this is the resume:
Tila Tequila
Address: http://www.myspace.com/tilatequila
Education: Hi School
Work: No.
Experience: Slutty pics on Myspace. Big Boobs. Work out lots. Pouty.
That’s literally it. She doesn’t sing, she doesn’t act, she does nothing but look at the camera and pout. She’s Manga come to life; tiny and asian and boobed and meaningless. Until I saw her on MTV I assumed the only words she knew were “oooooooh!” or [squeal!]. (Turns out she also knows “haaht!”). But because there is no porn quite like free porn, shitloads of horny kids hit her site to look at her pictures and, I assume, masturbate. Naturally MTV — never ones to let a “trend” go unexploited — gave her a show. Thus was born…whatever the fuck the name of her stupid show is, I can’t remember. If you’re wondering how something like that can happen, this transcription of the call that led to her show might shed some light:
[Phone Rings]
Tila Tequila: Gretchen here.
MTV Exec: Hi, I’m trying teach Tila.
Tila Tequila: Oh did I say “Gretchen”? I meant “Tila.” Oopsies!
MTV Exec: This is MTV. We heard you are very talented and want to put you on a show.
Tila Tequila: Are you talking about how I let people see my big boobs?
MTV Exec: Yes! Exactly! Can you do that on MTV?
Tila Tequila: Sure.MTV Exec: One question: Are you a lesbian?Tila Tequila: Well I tried to make a guy jealous once by making out with a girl and I once pushed my boobs up against anothergirl’s boobs.
MTV Exec: Good enough.
Tila Tequila: Yay!
Anyway, she got the show. It’s called Tila Tequila Squeals and Pouts and Acts Interested (something like that). The premise involves watching a group of guys and girls plot and scheme and fight to be Tila’s “True Love.” Tila’s only role is to titter and pout and try to cull “True Love” from a pool of fools deluded enough to think “Tila Tequila” would be a nice lady to bring home to Mom. It’s a pretty easy gig for the daughter of Chang and Chou Tequila; the only challenge being to pretend she “loves people, not their gender.” Lipstick lesbian? Tila lika! Buff Russian dude? Dah! Skinny rocker guy? Tila loves rock! Butchey dike with a shaved head? Let’s lick! Gangsta-ish Black guy? Haaht!
There’s only one problem with this so-called “reality show”…
It’s fake.
Saying a “Reality TV Show” is fake isn’t exactly novel. But TT’s Cleavage Hour takes “fake” to heights unseen. It’s not just that Tila is lying about being a lesbian (she’s not one) or that she’s lying about her search for “true love” (hard to do a sequel if she marries one of the dudes), it’s that the show completely lies about one of the most important of human interactions: Sex. Say what you want about Sex and the City but at least the relationships were someone realistic. Carrie suffered through an embarrassing string of relationships as she pined for her one true love. Miranda was an accomplished lawyer who wrestled with whether she could love a simple bartender. The dark-haired one with the pretty face married a dude who couldn’t get it up. And even Samantha — aka, the “slutty one” — dealt with a myriad of physical and emotional complications. Was the show inappropriate for kids? Probably. But The Tila Show is so blase about sex it’s inappropriate for adults.
Most adults can watch the show and see it’s bullshit. Kids can’t. Like it or not, the ABCNews article is right about one thing: kids learn life lessons from TV. But whereas the lessons learned by our generation — such as the “function” of a “conjunction” — were relatively benign, the lessons learned from shows like this are positively disturbing. Remember when “Cousin Oliver” taught us the economics of running a lemonade stand? Kim Kardashian taught your little Winnie Whiskey the economics of “accidentally” releasing her porn vid. Remember how Jan and Peter both struggled with being awkward and different? Tila and Friends taught your little Gina Gin how to overcome an ugly face with fake boobs and tit shots. Remember how Marcia learned the “Big Man on Campus” wasn’t worth pursuing? Bret Michaels showed precious angel Vikki Vodka he’s entitled to a dick suck.
I’m a Democrat and a liberal and I believe in free speech but Enough. If we accept the premise that an R-Rated, late-night, premium-channel-only show like Sex and the City had a profoundly negative influence on a generations’ sexuality, we must assume the far more reprehensible “Shot of Love with Tila Tequila” will be even more harmful.
Besides, she’s not all that hot anyway.
Okay kids, I made another video. Frankly, maybe I’m getting a little out on the weeds on these things but, I promise you, about 2:00 in — when the Crue really kicks it up — the Hillary bashing hits a new high.
I haven’t done a pure links page in awhile because, frankly, the content just hasn’t been there. But like that damn Cat, the Internet has come back. (I knew you had it in you Internets). Here goes.
1. Volcano v. Lightning Storm, Round 1
I give this round to Lightning Storm but I’m not counting Volcano out just yet.
2. Chris Rock on Whether Hillary Should Drop Out
Over at Rant/Rave, they have an hilarious quote by Chris Rock regarding Hillary:
When you leave the club at 1 A.M. it’s your choice not to get laid. But if you wait til the club closes, you’re ugly, and that’s why you didn’t get laid.
Perfect.
3. Art Is A Dead Genre
Art is dead. It’s official. Here’s proof:
Yup, that’s a bunch of volunteers helping out the art process by being naked and standing in a stadium. Two words: Lame.
4. Britain Gets the Oreo
Turns out that they didn’t sell Oreos in Britain until recently. Look some American junk food is pretty crappy but, c’mon, we’re talking about the motherfuckin OREO here people?! Anyway, some sort of stodgy, skeptical, and condescending Brit hauled a few down to Leicester Square and gave a little taste test. The results confirm my earlier statement that Brits are “stodgy, skeptical, and condescending.” Here goes nuthin:
My impromptu taste test in Leicester Square is now attracting the attention of puzzled passersby giving us weird looks.
Ms. Woodward’s verdict is that the Oreo is “too … damp.”
I tell her that, according to the ads, it should be “dunked” before eaten.
“In tea?” she asks.
“No, in milk,” I reply.
“Milk?! A biscuit dipped in milk? Who does that?”
“Apparently Americans do,” I explain.
“Well, let them,” she say dismissively. “I won’t be doing it anytime soon.”
Fine you old dame, we WILL!
5. Top Ten Wines Sold in Grocery Stores
This is the wine recommendation list you really need. A list made up of the wines you find at Safeway. I’m so clueless on this I usually just go with whatever one has a funny animal on the front, like a boar or something. Because, hey, goofy animal = good sense of humor = good taste = good tasting beverage.
6. You MotherFuckers, I Built The Argument That You Can’t Build A City Out of Rock and Roll. Me!
In case you missed it I did a post a few months back in which I challenged the conventional wisdom that it was technically feasible to built a City entirely out of the musical genre popularly referred to as “Rock and Roll.” (My conclusion: You can’t). Since then, I keep seeing t-shirts come up based on my idea…and it’s pissing me off because they are fucking awesome.
The First is from Threadless. It’s sold out so you can’t buy it but…not bad.
The second is from Unatee. This absolutely crushes the idea out of the ballpark. It’s still available and, no, I don’t get some cut from it. Fact is, it rocks. (Not hard enough to allow you to manipulate the energy to build a City of course, but it rocks nonetheless).
Then, of course, there’s always THIS little beauty. It’s a little more involved but, you know, still dope as hay-ell.
Over at CreativeBits they have a pretty damn funny post about how the rest of the world views Bush, as reflected in their advertising. Suffice it to say they don’t have to pay royalties to Moe, Curly and Shemps’ families anymore. Here’s one of the funnier examples:
I went to see Chelsea Handler’s stand up show on Friday night (at the lovely Pantages Theater in unlovely Tacoma, Washington). I know what you’re thinking — “chicks aren’t funny, you’re a pussy” — so here’s where I either justify my transgression or hand in my balls.
First, funny or unfunny, she’s hot as hell. Although she didn’t exactly dress up for the performance she still looked pretty good. Here are some pictures in case you don’t know who she is.
Second, she’s filthy. As the opening act said, Chelsea is the the “Martin Luther King, Jr. of Blonde Sluts,” and I think she’s right. (Either that or the packed house of twenty-something skanks were collectively dumb enough to think single men started liking female comedians, which is highly unlikely). From the audience reaction, it’s pretty clear most everyone had read her first book, My Horizontal Life. I finished the book in one day not just because it’s easy, but because she’s easy. (Ooo, that was pretty bad wasn’t it?) The entire book is nothing more than stories about her sleeping with dudes. It is … hilarious. Here’s my favorite excerpt:
Third, Just last week she put out her second book, “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea
(Side note: it was passed by Ron Paul’s book which I don’t know the name of — “GoofBallLution,” maybe? — which is a pretty sad commentary on our society. I mean, hey, it’s one thing for the number one book to be a screed about drinking but to cede the title to the modern day Lyndon Larouche? People are nuts. Frankly though either of those beats those crappy Left Behind books or “The Secret 2: Keep On Waiting” or whatever the hell else has been selling but, all told, it bode well for the literary future of this Country. Whatever.)
Anyway, there isn’t much point here other than to say Chelsea rocks. None of the clips on YouTube do her any justice frankly. She’s pretty good in this clip on Letterman so check it out:
The Atomic Punk
May 6, 2008
(The Interweb Is Full of Idiots Edition)
Efuckingnough Already! Global Warming Is Not Causing Everything You Don’t Like In The World
I’m almost at the point of joining the anti-global warming zealots. What’s my basis? The continuing hyperbole about Global Warming. Here’s a little article I ran across stating that global warming is increasing the population of bugs in the world. The deduction that flows is, therefore, that we will see more Dengue Fever, Malaria, and, who knows, Mad-Cow Disease?
Anti-Scientology Protestor Commits Another Pointless Act of Protest
We get it, Scientology is ridiculous. It was founded by an alcoholic yachtsman with a penchance for sailor’s caps; teaches that humans were stuffed into volcanos by an evil alien; and is helmed by a midget pretty-boy who hangs out with Victoria Beckham. But can someone spare us the V for Vendetta masks and artey photo-op protest?
Honestly, a lot of crap in this world is ridiculous. John McCain’s favorite preacher thinks the end days are coming and the Pope is the anti-Christ. Not just a “bad dude,” the literal anti-Christ! And this Country elected a man who can’t even pronounce “Nuclear.” Not just once, but twice!
But you know what might be more ridiculous? This “protestor.”
Is Obama The Anti-Christ?
Everybody thinks everybody else is the Anti-Christ. Personally I would say that you are but for the fact that 90% of the evidence points to ME being the Anti-Christ too. However I think that the Anti-Christ would use his power to get massive amounts of pussy so odds are it isn’t either of us.
Anyway…this guy thinks Obama is the Anti-Christ. The evidence is purty slim on this front so I really doubt it’s him. First off, ain’t no way the Anti-Christ will be black. No way could a black dude pull off all the attributes of the Anti-Christ, they aren’t bred for it!
Okay. I give up. There is nothing good out here today and now I’m just gettin’ pissed up in here.
Bush famously used scare tactics to convince voters to reelect him. First in defeating John McCain by alleging he had black love child, then against Kerry with the Swift Boat perfidity.
During the campaign, former President Clinton campaigned in support of Kerry and spoke out against such negative, pessimistic tactics:
“Now one of Clinton’s laws of politics is this: If one candidate is trying to scare you, and the other candidate is trying to get you to think; If one candidate is appealing to your fears, and the other one is appealing to your hopes; you better vote for one who wants you to think and hope…”
Of course, Bush’s tactics worked: McCain lost in the 2000 primary and Kerry lost in the 2004 election, despite one-time commanding leads for each.
Hillary took note. Here is her new campaign ad, released today on the eve of the Pennsylvania Primary:
Hillary depicts the image of numerous great former Democrats in her ad; FDR, Truman, and Kennedy. But is there any question her true mentors are Karl and W? It’s easy to pay lip service to the ideals of optimism — as she so forceful noted in her rebuke to the bitterness comments — but actions speak louder than words. This is cynicism, pure and simple; and a far cry from the “thought” and “hope” candidate her husband endorsed in 2004.
The quote speaks volumes. Of all the memorable statements made by the great Democrat Presidents she depicts in her ad, which does she choose?
Maybe I’m naive but I prefer the candidate who would have chosen this quote instead:
And — at this point — that isn’t Hillary.
Script: Hillary Goes To Pennsylvania
Act IV: Hillary Needs a Night Off: Politicking is Ha-ard
*Now with Alternate “Homage to Weird Science” Ending!
(Senator Hillary Rodmam Clinton enters the bar after a hard night of drafting laws, negotiating important treaties, writing speeches, dodging bullets, and doing other Senatorial Stuff. She’s joined by a staffer “Betsy.”)
Hillary: Did he follow us?
Betsy: No, we lost him.
Hillary: Good, he’s so self-important. Phht, Big Bill Clinton. What a dork.
Betsy (looking around): Well, what should we do Mrs. Clinton?
Hillary: First off, when the cameras aren’t around it’s “Hot Rod,” how many times I gotta fuckin’ tell you?
Betsy: Sorry … Hot-Rod.
Hillary: And what do you think we’re gonna do? Get wassssesstedd! Gimme that beer right there!
Betsy: But Ms. Clin…Hot-Rod, that’s just a beer someone left on the table…it’s dirty!
Hillary: Please, this isn’t that elitist Barack Obama you’re talking to, I’m dirty!
Betsy: Umm, well, if you think it’s okay–
Hillary: You prissy bitch I’ll get it myself, out of my way!
Hillary Chugs a Beer
Hillary: Ohhh YEAH! Brewski tastes good after a hard day o’ law writing! Hey! Who around here is gonna buy a lady a brew-dog!?
(Hillary Turns and Nearly Bumps into Todd — the Man Wearing the Suit)
Todd: Hey! You’re, like, Hillary Rodham Clinton aren’t you?
Hillary: That’s Senator Clinton you impertinent punk.
Todd: Oh my God, I – I – I apologize Senator, for being so bold I am terr–
Hillary: Hush it hottie. You get me another beer you can be as bold as you like!
Todd: Tony, get the Senator another beer! And a round for my boys as well!
(The beers Are Poured and the Men Gather Anxiously)
Hillary: Boysh, a toast! To regular folk! Down with elitist pussies!
Dudes: Yeah! Regular folk! Like us guys who wear suits in bars!
Don’t Be Fooled, Hillary’s Got a Van Halen Tour Tee Under That Suit Jacket
Hillary: Oh My God Todd take a look at this dork next to me in the “Dad” sweatshirt. What a tool!
Todd: Totally! What a nerd! He’s prob’ly some farmer or something.
Hillary: Check it out, I’m gonna mess with him…
(Hillary Turns to “Dad”)
Hillary: Hey Farmer Brown, buy a lady a shot?
Guy in “Dad” Shirt: Actually I’m a retired stockbroker but, okay–
Hillary: Ohh! Whoop-a-dee-do! Hey everybody “Dad” thinks he’s better than me! Fuck you old man I’m a goddamn United States Fucking Senator…boys get this asshole out of here.
(Secret Service Agents Move in and Remove “Dad” From The Bar)
Todd: Damn Hot Rod, that was freakin’ awesome! Time for shots?
Hillary: Make it something hard. I don’t need no goddang Jaeger like you little bitches sip on.
This Shot Is Making Me Warm
Hillary: Keep em’ coming boys!
(Later That Evening: The Bar Has Cleared and Someone Has Drug a Record Player Out. It Is Set On “Generic-Formula-Movie-Skip-Mode.” Todd, Hillary, and, Inexplicably, “Dad” Are Sitting in a Booth)
Hillary: Todd man…lemme tell ya a little story man. When I was at Princeton I went insane over this crazy little upstart poli-sci major.
Dad: Crazy?
Todd: Insane?
Dad: Insane?
Todd: Crazy?
Hillary: I was nuts for the dude man, you gotta believe me. And what did it was this big potential he had.
Todd: Huh-HO! BIG potential.
Hillary: I called him every damn night.
Todd: Every damn night!
Dad: On the telephone?
Hillary: What this boy talk about on the telephone! We know it was on the telephone!
Todd: Explain it to him.
Hillary: Shoot!
Todd: So what happened? What happened to that guy with the big big potential?
(Betsy Walks Up)
Betsy: He fucked a little fatty and made Hillary look like a cold fish.
Dad: He did WHAT?!
Todd: He made you look like a fool in front of everyone by screwing a big, big fatty?!
Hillary: Broke my heart man…in two.
Dad: There go your Presidential chances. Who wants to elect a President who can’t even handle her man.
Hillary (To Secret Service Agents): Get em outta here.
Captain Kirk finally agreed to release his official papers. As everyone suspected, the contents have been shocking:
