You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June, 2008.
Folks’ve been waiting for Axl Rose to release Chinese Democracy for about fifteen years. They wasted their time. Evidently some blogger got his hands on the album and posted a few of the songs on his site. It was shut down in a few hours but the cat was — REEEROOOR! — out of the bag. Now those songs are on the Intertubes; spreading like some horrific disease.
And I do mean horrific. There’s a reason Axl hasn’t released this shit. Because it is shit. Take a listen. Pay particular attention to “Madagascar” in which Axl once again repeats the infamous line from Civil War/Cool Hand Luke: “what we got here is failure to communicate.”
Yes, Axl, that is what we have here. But, you know, some men you just can’t reach.
First: Madagascar
Second: If The World
The absurd Internet-oddity of the day is Star Wars Dance Off. If you think you know what this is going to be and don’t feel the need to watch HOW WRING YOU ARE!!! The first act alone is worth the price of admission: it features an amazing rendition of Footloose danced by Chewbacca and a Jawa.
It’s been 20 some-odd years since I stuck Han, Greedo, Chewie and all my Star Wars toys in a box and formally ended my days of playing with “action figures.” I never looked back motherfuckers, I was done. At least I thought I was done. Then along came a toy that rekindled my long cooled desire to give a figure some action. That toy?
Why the Cindy McCain Trophy Wife Doll of course!
Hot. Busty. Plastic. Vapid. It’s like the real Cindy McCain only with a lower credit card limit.
Optional prescription drug addiction sold separately.
From Kenner!
The blogosphere is — once again — up in arms over FoxNews’ racial insensitivity. In case you missed it, while FoxNews’ Megan Kelly was discussing Michelle Obama, they ran a graphic stating: “Outraged Liberals: Upset with Attacks on Obama’s Baby Mama.”*
Liberals and everyone with half a brain in their head is calling it racist. I, however, think this is too harsh. I say we give Fox the benefit of the doubt. I think they’re just trying to appeal to the younger generation; to be more “hip” and “with it.”** Using the lingo. And, in line with their new edgy, hipster ‘tude, here are a few more headlines we can expect to see:
UPDATE!!!
The Conservative blogs are defending Fox’ characterizations because Michelle Obama evidently called Barack her “Baby Daddy” four years ago. Thus, Fox can call her that too. In light thereof, we went ahead and made one more little graphic. Hey, if John McCain can call his wife this, Fox can too right?
******
*FYI: Here’s the definition of a Baby Mama from Urban Dictionary. It’s tame, if anything…
A term used to define an unmarried young woman (but can be a woman of any age) who has had a child. As mentioned before in another definition, most of the time it is used for when it was simply a sexual relationship, compared to ex-wife or girlfriend. Usually this has a negative connotation, a lot of baby mamas are seen as desperate, gold digging, emotionally starved, shady women who had a baby out of spite or to keep a man. Sometimes they may act like this because of missed child support payments, unfulfilled promises by the father, or convenient sex by the father. Either or both may exist in any situation.
**Technically speaking anyone who uses the word “hip” is — by definition — not. Not what, you ask? Hip. It’s circular, I know but — trust me — also true.
(Courtesy of our other home — ImperfectUnion.com!
Wow, I can’t believe it but Warner Brothers has announced the release of Grumpy Old Men 3! I loved the first two and this one looks even better!
So it seems a couple of foos got together and decided to combine two of their greatest loves into one completely offensive morass. They started with the Bible: the most chaste, moral, and sexually repressive creations ever known. Into that stickiness they plunged a little Manga; preferred “artwork” of gargantuan-boob-loving pedophiles and subway deviants.
What emerged was the most absurdly satisfying Peanut Butter Cup on the Planet…
Let’s start with the main character: Jesus. Think that’s Him sporting the rad suspenders and sleeveless tee? Think again sexist pig. Jesus is the hot blond in back! The dude in the front is some sort of fisherman. They haven’t revealed who he’s “supposed” to be yet but I’m thinking maybe the apostle Paul. Then again he’s kinda kooky looking so maybe he’s Judas. That seems about right. He’s like “Sorry Jesus, I sold ya’ out for a couple-a C-Notes babe!” And Jesus is all [Whimper, Sniffle] “Roh-no!”).
But the sacrilege doesn’t end there my friends. In addition to being a lady, Jesus is also hot. I don’t know how to say this delicately but…check out Jesus’ cleavage.
Now I’m not saying Chick Jesus shouldn’t have a nice rack (Jesus was the best at everything of course so, naturally, Lady Jesus should have nice boobs). But don’t you think Hottie Jesus would at least cover em up a bit? And don’t try to tell me Honey Jesus didn’t have anything else to wear; if she’s really Jesus she could have turned an old tablecloth into a cardigan or something right? Or, at the very least, buttoned those last two buttons.
Let’s be honest here; I’ve never known Jesus not to cover up. Take a look at this image of Jesus playing soccer. Even though the kids are wearing the comfy soccer shorts and what not, Jesus is still sporting that scratchy robe he seemed to love.
Naturally this image begs the question: what kinda soccer player would Jesus be? Clearly he’d be better than these crappy little kids but — seeing as how he was so giving and all — he’d probably tone the skeelz down a touch; let the kids get a score or two. Jesus was certainly not a loser though so I figure he’d probably score a header in the final minutes to at least give his team a tie.
Whatever the final score, the soccer image does answer one question: would Jesus be in shape? The Bible doesn’t say much about Jesus’ workout routine but I figure with all the wandering and what not you have to figure he was toned. How then, to explain this?
Those legs are just kinda flabby and what’s with the flat ass? C’mon Jesus, pull it together!
So here are the links. Download at your own risk.
Check it out, it’s a bunch of unlabeled boxes.
What’s in those boxes, you ask? No one knows. The author of the story asked one of the warehouse employees but the employee said something like “I can’t tell you.”
It should end there except this particular warehouse is known to ship Apple products. And, even though thousands of other Apple products are sold everyday, the next generation iPhone is supposed to be coming out next week. Thus, there is the possibility these plain brown boxes might contain…
(Patience my Paduan Learner…)
Next Generation iPhones!
“What?! Did he say ‘iPhone’? He didn’t say iPhone did he? Oh my God, oh my God, he did, HE DID!!!! Those boxes just might maybe could contain iPhones!!!!”
DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG — gasp — DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG DIGG
That’s right. No matter how remote the possibility, no matter how tangential the relationship, no matter how meaningless the story: if it involves the iPhone, it’s going to the top of Digg. Check it out: 647 Diggs and climbing.
Hmmm, if a picture of cardboard boxes that probably don’t have iPhones in them is enough to make the front page, then I have information that will definitely get this story to the front page. To help me present this important information to you, let me introduce my good friend:
Apple Fan Boy.
“Uhh, can’t you see I’m on my iPhone?!”
Sorry. But I figured you’d like to meet this UPS driver.
“Dude, I’m like zooming back and forth on a picture of my dog. Why would I care about some loser UPS Driver?”
Because UPS drivers deliver boxes to stores.
“Duh! Everybody knows that noob! If you don’t mind, I’m trying to watch Kevin Rose imitate Bill O’Reilly on my iPhone! It’s awesome!”
Sorry. Just thought you might be interested in knowing that this guy might — one day — be delivering boxes of iPhones to an Apple store.
“OMG, are you serious?! You’re totally right! How else would those awesome boxes of iPhones get there?! OMG, OMG, OMG…iPhones!!!!”
“Wait a minute, this guy can’t deliver all of those boxes! Those boxes are WAAY too bulky for him to carry! Nice try jerk!”
Good observation young man. That’s why I am posting this picture of a hand truck.
“A truck built just for your hand? Awesome. I bet Apple thought of that. Still — all things considered — I prefer my iPhone.”
No kid, a hand truck is a device used to move boxes.
“Booring! Check this out, it’s a video of a Japanese guy playing with a ball. I’m watching it live on my iPhonester! (That’s what I call my iPhone sometimes!)”
Boring huh? Well how boring would it be if those boxes happened to contain … iPhones?
“OMG, are you serious!?!? That iTruck was built to move iPhones!!!! Yes, YES! YES! iPhones!!!!!
So you like these pictures huh?
“OMG, they are totally awesome! I’m totally gonna Digg this story!!! Then I’ll share it with all my friends, they gotta know about the iTruck!”
Actually it’s called a hand truck.
“Whatever. It’s just so totally APPLE to build a carrying device specially for the iPhone. In fact I heard they saved like 32% in production costs by developing the iTruck. Steve Jobs built the first one out of Legos when he was four! And when I said FOUR right there, I meant FOUR WEEKS!”
Seriously dude, it wasn’t built to move iPhones. It can be used on any kind of box.
“Cross-platform functionality, huh? Apple does it again! Stupid Microsoft! If they made a box carrying device it’d probably have like one wheel missing and wouldn’t support iTunes. Jerks.”
Whatever. I have to go now.
“Hey did you hear the rumor? They’re gonna release iTruck Puma next year. It’s supposed to be KILLER!”
I said I have to go.
If you — like me — are off scouring the Internet looking for the Worst Tattoo of all time well then I say onto you Mission ‘Complished! Without further ado…
The Corky Tattoo!
FYI, I’m pretty sure this tat is from the book No Regrets: The Best, Worst, & Most #$%*ing Ridiculous Tattoos Ever
Speaking of which this gives me an idea for the BEST tattoo of all time. A tattoo of Tattoo.
Look Boss, I’m on Some Loser’s Leg!
