Well I see you finally put the Flag up. Nice job Captain America. That means it was only one-hundred and eighteen days that you disrespected your God, your neighborhood, and that wife of yours with your embarrassing failure to honor your Nation. Congratulations.
Oh you’ve been too busy to put the Flag up, now I understand. Gosh, don’t I feel like a jerk. Heck I sure am glad a couple of guys named Thomas Jefferson and George Washington weren’t busy like you else we’d all be sipping tea, calling each other “Guv’ner” and bowing to some foreigners wouldn’t we?!
Now I hope you don’t think hanging a dime-store, made-in-China, non Bill-O’Reilly-Approved acrylic Flag on your house makes you as patriotic as me cause it don’t. You own a Flag, I worship that fucker. Remember that movie “Born on the Fourth of July?” I did it one better. I was born on the Third of July. I woulda waited til the Fourth but I loved America so goddamn much I checked out early.
You a Bald Eagle fan Phil? Pretty birds ain’t they? Symbol of America. Well I’m gonna let you in on a little secret…
I crap Bald Eagles.
That’s right Phil. While you Eco-Fags were bitchin about DDT, yours truly took action. Sure it hurt like hell but you can’t even <i>imagine</i> the pride as Eagle after Eagle crawled out of my ass. Think about that the next time you’re out getting one of them abortions you liberals are so fond of Phil: I single assedly brought the Bald Eagle back from extinction.
Single Assedly.
So – yeah – I love American more’n you. And just to put you in your place I’m gonna do something so goddamn patriotic it’ll put you and that Restoration Hardware Flag of yours to shame. You asked for it Phil, you got it…
I’m going two.
I’m putting a Second Flag on my house.
You ever even seen two American Flags on one house Phil? I haven’t. I’ve crapped Eagles out of my ass Phil, I’ve seen it all. But I have never seen a man put Two Goddamn Flags in his yard. Frankly it’s outrageous (who the hell needs two goddamn Flags to prove they love America?) but sense be damned! There’s nothing I won’t do to prove I Love America.
Now at this point you’re probably thinking “gee well maybe I should put another Flag up too.” Don’t. You try to go Flago-a-Flago with a super-patriot like me Phil and it’s gonna hurt. I’m the America-loving madman who broke the Two Flag Hymen for crying out loud! If you think I won’t up the ante you’ve smoked a little too much of that wacky tobaccy. In fact just to make sure you don’t even try it…
I’m going three.
Three Goddamn American Flags in one yard Phil!
Got the point yet, hippy? It’s a simple equation. Take whatever number of Flags you have in your yard and add a “1” to that number. The result’ll be how many Flags you’ll see flapping in mine.
You can’t compete Phil. I love America more. I win.
**********
(The foregoing insanity was inspired by a house in my neighborhood that is flying — you guessed it — two American Flags.
Star Wars just pisses me off. The entire plot makes zero sense. I was going to publish a little rant about it but decided to make a video demostrating how it SHOULD have ended.
Don’t worry…it’s only about twenty seconds long, you’ll survive.
No self-respecting “Internet Blog” can resist chiming in on a subject more tired than Lindsay Lohan’s pussy: teen sex. The basis of the rant-to-come is this article where it’s claimed that young girls are more promiscuous today because they learned about sex from watching Sex and the City. The article takes great pains to say “Sex and the City can’t be blamed for creating a generation of sluts” then goes on to quote a bunch of girls who say Sex and the City turned everyone of their generation into a bunch of sluts. Way to take a stand ABCNews!
But before anyone tries to lynch “Carrie and Big,” I have some news for you: Sex and the City is the least of your concerns. ABCNews failed to follow up on the point but if Sex and the City created a Generation of Sluts, then the parents of today better get ready for a Millenium of Sluts. Castigate Sex and the City all you want but its the blandly named shows like “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” that’re teaching your daughter about making and selling porn. And that’s not the half of it.
Take Tila Tequila’s show on MTV. If her pornesque name alone didn’t clue you in — the male equivalent would be something like “Buck Strongthrust” — her MySpace page should. Tila Tequila is a mediocre looking Asian-American girl who found fame by posting half-nude pics of her massively enhanced self on her page. That’s it. That’s the resume. No, this is the resume:
Tila Tequila
Address: http://www.myspace.com/tilatequila
Education: Hi School
Work: No.
Experience: Slutty pics on Myspace. Big Boobs. Work out lots. Pouty.
That’s literally it. She doesn’t sing, she doesn’t act, she does nothing but look at the camera and pout. She’s Manga come to life; tiny and asian and boobed and meaningless. Until I saw her on MTV I assumed the only words she knew were “oooooooh!” or [squeal!]. (Turns out she also knows “haaht!”). But because there is no porn quite like free porn, shitloads of horny kids hit her site to look at her pictures and, I assume, masturbate. Naturally MTV — never ones to let a “trend” go unexploited — gave her a show. Thus was born…whatever the fuck the name of her stupid show is, I can’t remember. If you’re wondering how something like that can happen, this transcription of the call that led to her show might shed some light:
[Phone Rings]
Tila Tequila: Gretchen here.
MTV Exec: Hi, I’m trying teach Tila.
Tila Tequila: Oh did I say “Gretchen”? I meant “Tila.” Oopsies!
MTV Exec: This is MTV. We heard you are very talented and want to put you on a show.
Tila Tequila: Are you talking about how I let people see my big boobs?
MTV Exec: Yes! Exactly! Can you do that on MTV?
Tila Tequila: Sure.MTV Exec: One question: Are you a lesbian?Tila Tequila: Well I tried to make a guy jealous once by making out with a girl and I once pushed my boobs up against anothergirl’s boobs.
MTV Exec: Good enough.
Tila Tequila: Yay!
Anyway, she got the show. It’s called Tila Tequila Squeals and Pouts and Acts Interested (something like that). The premise involves watching a group of guys and girls plot and scheme and fight to be Tila’s “True Love.” Tila’s only role is to titter and pout and try to cull “True Love” from a pool of fools deluded enough to think “Tila Tequila” would be a nice lady to bring home to Mom. It’s a pretty easy gig for the daughter of Chang and Chou Tequila; the only challenge being to pretend she “loves people, not their gender.” Lipstick lesbian? Tila lika! Buff Russian dude? Dah! Skinny rocker guy? Tila loves rock! Butchey dike with a shaved head? Let’s lick! Gangsta-ish Black guy? Haaht!
There’s only one problem with this so-called “reality show”…
It’s fake.
Saying a “Reality TV Show” is fake isn’t exactly novel. But TT’s Cleavage Hour takes “fake” to heights unseen. It’s not just that Tila is lying about being a lesbian (she’s not one) or that she’s lying about her search for “true love” (hard to do a sequel if she marries one of the dudes), it’s that the show completely lies about one of the most important of human interactions: Sex. Say what you want about Sex and the City but at least the relationships were someone realistic. Carrie suffered through an embarrassing string of relationships as she pined for her one true love. Miranda was an accomplished lawyer who wrestled with whether she could love a simple bartender. The dark-haired one with the pretty face married a dude who couldn’t get it up. And even Samantha — aka, the “slutty one” — dealt with a myriad of physical and emotional complications. Was the show inappropriate for kids? Probably. But The Tila Show is so blase about sex it’s inappropriate for adults.
Most adults can watch the show and see it’s bullshit. Kids can’t. Like it or not, the ABCNews article is right about one thing: kids learn life lessons from TV. But whereas the lessons learned by our generation — such as the “function” of a “conjunction” — were relatively benign, the lessons learned from shows like this are positively disturbing. Remember when “Cousin Oliver” taught us the economics of running a lemonade stand? Kim Kardashian taught your little Winnie Whiskey the economics of “accidentally” releasing her porn vid. Remember how Jan and Peter both struggled with being awkward and different? Tila and Friends taught your little Gina Gin how to overcome an ugly face with fake boobs and tit shots. Remember how Marcia learned the “Big Man on Campus” wasn’t worth pursuing? Bret Michaels showed precious angel Vikki Vodka he’s entitled to a dick suck.
I’m a Democrat and a liberal and I believe in free speech but Enough. If we accept the premise that an R-Rated, late-night, premium-channel-only show like Sex and the City had a profoundly negative influence on a generations’ sexuality, we must assume the far more reprehensible “Shot of Love with Tila Tequila” will be even more harmful.
In a moment of poor judgment I somehow signed myself up as a Member of RedState.com. If you aren’t familiar with RedState (you probably can guess their mindset from their name), they are one of the more vitriolic of conservative blogs. Occasionally I go there to better understand the other side’s take on an issue but, before today, I was never compelled to leave a comment. That being said, I always found it odd that no liberal commentators participated in the dialogue.
Now I know. RedState — in the grandeloquent tradition of the ostrich-emulating Republican party — doesn’t allow dissent.
Here’s the background. Early Friday evening, I received an email from the site asking me to personally join in chastising the Washington Post for their “fabricated” story about McCain’s Hamas comments. If you haven’t been following, President Bush mocked Barack Obama’s belief in diplomacy as Chamberlainesque. McCain then piled on by saying it’s disgraceful to talk to people you don’t like, like Iranians or poor folk. They both implied Obama was a wimp because he thought maybe we shouldn’t just kill everyone we dislike. The next day the Washington Post — as well as about 90% of the Internet — released a story showing how McCain’s statement was not only absurd, it was hypocritical. Turns out there is footage of McCain saying the same thing Obama did; that it’s okay to talk with foreign governments.
I read the email with interest because it was so hyperbolic. And, if indeed the email was correct, this was a big story. If McCain didn’t say he would meet with Hamas — as the entire Internet has reported — I would be proud to carry that story on my “liberalpinkoblog.” So I went to RedState and “watched the video” and what did I see?
A video of McCain saying he thought it was necessary for the United States to meet with Hamas.
Hmmm. That’s weird, what did I miss? So I go back and read the RedState email again. Here’s a screen shot of the email in case you’re wondering:
Aw, now I see it. Despite the inarticulate description of the Washington Post piece as a “total fabrication [that] totally misrepresents” John McCain’s position, this is actually — at best — one of those nuanced “this isn’t exactly what McCain said” screeds. In other words, the Washington Post should crawl on its knees and beg forgiveness because they failed to note that, although McCain did admit he was willing to meet with Hamas, he would only do so if certain conditions were met first.
Get outta that meat-house Upton Sinclair, we got us some real muck here!
The problem is I don’t recall McCain saying even that. So I decide to watch the video again. That’s right I, liberal blogging fuck, will take a second look at the video posted by you, rabid conservative site of little repute, to see if I can’t better understand your argument. Yes at the risk of wasting even MORE, I will grant you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn’t just outright lie. So what did I learn from my endeavor?
RedState.com lied.
Watch it yourself:
As you can see, there is no condition on McCain’s statement that he would meet with Hamas. The Washington Post got it exactly right. RedState’s email and post are — in other words — motherfuckinbullshit.
But that’s not what makes me angry.
You see, I been around this Internet a time or two and I’ve learned to calm my anger at the crap the right puts out as truth. I can deal with the inanity of defending Bush and McCain’s ignorant and small-minded beliefs in diplomacy, I can deal with the hypocrisy of McCain in making his statement, I can deal with the fact that these comments make the United States look idiotic, I can handle the impropriety of a sitting President undermining the legitimacy of his potential predecessor, I can deal with the fact this was done in front of an important International ally, and I can even deal with the fact that RedState completely misrepresented this video.
But the one thing I utterly and completely cannot handle, the one thing that irritates and angers me beyond rationality, the one thing that has caused me to write this blog post and thus waste additional hours of my life is the hypocrisy of a website that prints utter bullshit about “truthful journalism” then denies me the one ability I have to counter such crap…
My right to post a motherfucking comment.
That’s right. Although I’ve been a member for some time, I evidently do not possess sufficient winger cred to post a response.
This is bullshit. If this website is going to waste my goddamn time by inducing me to listen to their hysterical crap the one thing they can allow valued “Members” such as myself is the lowly little right to post a fucking comment. To say “I disagree.” To say, “why did you waste my time?” To say “how can you sleep at night knowing you make money inciting ire by posting lies?!” To say “isn’t it fitting you call yourself RedState seeing as how the World hasn’t witnessed propaganda like this since the fall of Communist Russia?!?”
Nope.
In hindsight — of course — I’m not surprised. What should one expect from a website that’s gotten fat sucking the teat of President Propaganda’s mistruths? I’m not familiar with the intricacies of the vast right wing circle jerk but I have to imagine they would exorcise anyone foolish enough to allow contrary opinion. I mean, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t take more than a couple of Google-savvy Internet geeks to collapse 90% of the crap put forth by “news organizations” like Fox, commentators like Coulter, or the fatfuckery of a blowhard like Limbaugh. But — in an effort to pretend they are legitimate members of their respective communities — they hire “liberals” like Colmes, restrict access to paying users, and, when they do set up a message board, allow only the sheep with the thickest coats to contribute.
Ironically, these organizations are the first to tout their gung-ho, bad-ass, take no prisoners cred yet they cringe in fear at the prospect of “public opinion.” Meanwhile the supposed bastions of Chamberlainesque contrition — Kos, TPM, and Huffington Post — welcome all comers; unafraid of the arguments of the right.
So have fun in your Mama’s basement, RedState thumbsuckers, as you flail about for tidbits of idiocy to dangle above your ignorant fans, and try mightily to convince the World the imagined splinters in our eyes are more damaging than the massive oaks that infect yours.
(Or, if that’s too poetic for you, then just fuck off).
Okay kids, I made another video. Frankly, maybe I’m getting a little out on the weeds on these things but, I promise you, about 2:00 in — when the Crue really kicks it up — the Hillary bashing hits a new high.
I haven’t done a pure links page in awhile because, frankly, the content just hasn’t been there. But like that damn Cat, the Internet has come back. (I knew you had it in you Internets). Here goes.
1. Volcano v. Lightning Storm, Round 1
I give this round to Lightning Storm but I’m not counting Volcano out just yet.
2. Chris Rock on Whether Hillary Should Drop Out
Over at Rant/Rave, they have an hilarious quote by Chris Rock regarding Hillary:
When you leave the club at 1 A.M. it’s your choice not to get laid. But if you wait til the club closes, you’re ugly, and that’s why you didn’t get laid.
Perfect.
3. Art Is A Dead Genre
Art is dead. It’s official. Here’s proof:
Yup, that’s a bunch of volunteers helping out the art process by being naked and standing in a stadium. Two words: Lame.
4. Britain Gets the Oreo
Turns out that they didn’t sell Oreos in Britain until recently. Look some American junk food is pretty crappy but, c’mon, we’re talking about the motherfuckin OREO here people?! Anyway, some sort of stodgy, skeptical, and condescending Brit hauled a few down to Leicester Square and gave a little taste test. The results confirm my earlier statement that Brits are “stodgy, skeptical, and condescending.” Here goes nuthin:
My impromptu taste test in Leicester Square is now attracting the attention of puzzled passersby giving us weird looks.
Ms. Woodward’s verdict is that the Oreo is “too … damp.”
I tell her that, according to the ads, it should be “dunked” before eaten.
“In tea?” she asks.
“No, in milk,” I reply.
“Milk?! A biscuit dipped in milk? Who does that?”
“Apparently Americans do,” I explain.
“Well, let them,” she say dismissively. “I won’t be doing it anytime soon.”
Fine you old dame, we WILL!
5. Top Ten Wines Sold in Grocery Stores
This is the wine recommendation list you really need. A list made up of the wines you find at Safeway. I’m so clueless on this I usually just go with whatever one has a funny animal on the front, like a boar or something. Because, hey, goofy animal = good sense of humor = good taste = good tasting beverage.
6. You MotherFuckers, I Built The Argument That You Can’t Build A City Out of Rock and Roll. Me!
In case you missed it I did a post a few months back in which I challenged the conventional wisdom that it was technically feasible to built a City entirely out of the musical genre popularly referred to as “Rock and Roll.” (My conclusion: You can’t). Since then, I keep seeing t-shirts come up based on my idea…and it’s pissing me off because they are fucking awesome.
The First is from Threadless. It’s sold out so you can’t buy it but…not bad.
The second is from Unatee. This absolutely crushes the idea out of the ballpark. It’s still available and, no, I don’t get some cut from it. Fact is, it rocks. (Not hard enough to allow you to manipulate the energy to build a City of course, but it rocks nonetheless).
Then, of course, there’s always THIS little beauty. It’s a little more involved but, you know, still dope as hay-ell.
Over at CreativeBits they have a pretty damn funny post about how the rest of the world views Bush, as reflected in their advertising. Suffice it to say they don’t have to pay royalties to Moe, Curly and Shemps’ families anymore. Here’s one of the funnier examples:
I went to see Chelsea Handler’s stand up show on Friday night (at the lovely Pantages Theater in unlovely Tacoma, Washington). I know what you’re thinking — “chicks aren’t funny, you’re a pussy” — so here’s where I either justify my transgression or hand in my balls.
First, funny or unfunny, she’s hot as hell. Although she didn’t exactly dress up for the performance she still looked pretty good. Here are some pictures in case you don’t know who she is.
Second, she’s filthy. As the opening act said, Chelsea is the the “Martin Luther King, Jr. of Blonde Sluts,” and I think she’s right. (Either that or the packed house of twenty-something skanks were collectively dumb enough to think single men started liking female comedians, which is highly unlikely). From the audience reaction, it’s pretty clear most everyone had read her first book, My Horizontal Life. I finished the book in one day not just because it’s easy, but because she’s easy. (Ooo, that was pretty bad wasn’t it?) The entire book is nothing more than stories about her sleeping with dudes. It is … hilarious. Here’s my favorite excerpt:
(Side note: it was passed by Ron Paul’s book which I don’t know the name of — “GoofBallLution,” maybe? — which is a pretty sad commentary on our society. I mean, hey, it’s one thing for the number one book to be a screed about drinking but to cede the title to the modern day Lyndon Larouche? People are nuts. Frankly though either of those beats those crappy Left Behind books or “The Secret 2: Keep On Waiting” or whatever the hell else has been selling but, all told, it bode well for the literary future of this Country. Whatever.)
Anyway, there isn’t much point here other than to say Chelsea rocks. None of the clips on YouTube do her any justice frankly. She’s pretty good in this clip on Letterman so check it out:
Check it, I whipped up some sweet coats of arms last night. First I went with the basic fleu-de-lis design with, of course, that turtle from the “Can You Draw” ads that used to be in the back of Parade Magazine.
Then I was thinking maybe the turtle is wrong. I’m up here in the PNW so maybe I should have like a bigfoot or something instead:
Then I said “naw, let’s go with the turtle.” But the basic design needed some updating. So…
Frankly that felt a little fancy so I went back to the basic design. Only with a little something extra.
.” The title alone is so goddamn awesome I have to buy it. Amazingly it’s selling like crazy; for about a week it actually hit number one on the 
Atomic Punk
