Yesterday I had the privilege of hearing the immortal tune We Built This City on Rock and Roll.  For whatever reason the so-called experts have determined that it is the “worst song of all time.”  Frankly I feel they’ve missed the forest for the trees.  Music critics complaining about the songsmanship of We Built This City is like Versace criticizing Lincoln’s hat.  We Built This City is more than a song, it’s a monument! A monument to the greatest miracle of modern engineering!  Starship — whose fame was previously built on a steady stream of 60′s era peacenik beats — constructed an entire City utilizing only the musical genre known as Rock and Roll! It’s an engineering marvel!!!

Get Deep Beneathe Hoopla Would You?

The Hoopla is Not Shown Here But Suffice to Say They Are Poised to Get Knee Deep In It

Nevertheless, some people gotta second-guess.  So you get the DJ’s calling it “crap,” and the easily-influenced children saying “yah!”, next thing you know the zeitgeist is rolling and then — the capper — tired music industry mag Blender ranks it as worst song of all time.

Nonsense.

I was about ten when this song came out and, let me tell you motherfuckers, the City wasn’t just built on rock and roll it was fabricated on rock and roll!  (Okay that’s just a synonym for built isn’t it?  You get the point.)  Oh, I see, you think you’re something special because you went a little wacky and managed to get knee deep in the hoopla, don’t you?  You’re a joke to me.  In my ‘hood you got yourself at least thigh deep in the hoopla or you got the hell out of the hoopla.  My town (or City if you will) was chock-full of hoopla-fiendin’ hoopla-fans who were hostage to the hoopla!  We didn’t pussy-foot around with knee-deep dilettantes like you, we got in the shit.  Hell I knew a kid who got himself neck-deep in the hoopla!  Johnny Taylor. Johnny later died but — damn it — nobody could say he didn’t get himself into that hoopla.

(And you thought your City was built on rock and roll…)

Well I say if people aren’t going to appreciate Starship’s musical and engineering feat then Starship should tell them off.  I don’t know if it’s legal to evict all the ingrates living in the City they Built via Rock and Roll so I say let’s go with Option B: a Big Billboard Message.  Here’s a little idea I came up with…

Hmmm, that seems a little wimpy to me now.  If you Built a City on Rock and Roll then you had to watch the critics rip your efforts twenty years later, you’d be angry. Real angry. I have to imagine that’s a dull ax that “You Barely Even Helped” isn’t going to grind. Let me try again:

Booyah!

But this seems a little defensive to me. They shouldn’t be apologizing for constructing a City out of Rock and Roll, they should be bragging about it!  Face it nerds, Starship built an entire City out of Rock and Roll for crying out loud!  Guy like you couldn’t build a City on Jazz, Rap, Opera, Classical, and Mambo combined! They did it with Rock motherfucker, no other genres required!

Okay, done.

Except … that last line raises an issue.  What the hell are they going to do about New York and all those other cities that were constructed via traditional methods?  That sign will get the job done in my City — the one they Built Out of Rock and Roll — but other towns might take offense.  So here’s a little alternative they can toss up around the rest of the Country:

Okay at dinner tonight my Mom started claiming Starship didn’t build this City via Rock and Roll.  At first I was like “you don’t know shit Mom.”  But then I did a little research and uncovered a startling fact…she’s right.  Starship didn’t build this City out of Rock and Roll.

Now I’m just getting pissed.  Am I the guy who called Starship “irresponsible” or “wrote them off the page?”  Heck no!  I’m the guy who spent half a Summer in waist deep hoopla!  Does Starship have any idea how hard it is to wash hoopla off of a pair of Toughskins?!  The hoopla swallowed one of my favorite Keds and I never did get it back.  And what about poor Johnny Taylor!?!

Man, fuck Starship and that crap City they constructed by manipulating the rock and roll.

Okay. It’s two days later and, after some rather extensive research into exactly what City Built on Rock and Roll was constructed by Starship, I have concluded they did not, in fact, Build a City on Rock and Roll.  They might have built a building or a plaza or something, but they definitely didn’t build a whole City.  (Or a town, I checked that too).  Turns out they spent the 60′s and 70′s touring and partying and did little to no civic engineering or design work.

What assholes.

We Actually Didn\'t Build This City on Rock and Roll

In the interest of full disclosure — however — I did confirm that Marconi played the Mamba and that corporations played corporation games.