The Daily Punk

April 1, 2008

(Give Us This Day Our Daily Does of Asinine Christian Idiocy Edition)

1. How Jesus Would Spank a Child…

This came in my email box titled as “How Jesus Would Spank.” I was certain it was some sort of porn so I clicked on it. Much to my dismay/delight, I was wrong. It was an article explaining how Jesus would go about “disciplining” a child. Surprisingly this guy says Jesus wouldn’t attempt to counsel the lad or provide care and attention. Nope, Jesus was all about laying the smack down:

[Jesus would discipline the child with a] flexible switch made from an olive branch, across the fleshy part of the buttocks or upper thigh.

My recollection is that Jesus didn’t really dig on assaulting people but that’s cool. I guess I read the Bible wrong. Here’s the link.

2. Mena Suvari Wears Thong

Speaking of fleshy parts of the buttocks, here’s Mena Suvari looking pretty hot in a thong. Man I bet Jesus could really lay a spank down on this little honey.

3. Chelsea’s Mama Said Knock You Out

Chelsea is helping her Mom campaign; as any daughter would do (except Dick Cheney’s of course). Some punks have been showing up and asking her about Monica Lewinsky. They aren’t so gauche as to just yell out “Your Dad fucked a fat chick” so they say things like “How does your Mom’s response to the Lewinsky issue demonstrate her ability to lead the country,” etc. Which is, of course, low and cowardly but that’s how the wingers do it.

Whatever. The real story is that these dudes best watch themselves because turns out she’s got a secret weapon in her corner (and, no, it isn’t a switch sporting Jesus), Rocky Clinton:

Let me tell you something, when it comes to finishing a fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit. I never give up. And neither do the American people,” Clinton said in excerpts of prepared remarks to be given Tuesday to a meeting of the Pennsylvania AFL-CIO.

This claim seemed kinda bullshit-ey until I saw this picture of Bill chilling at home:

Yup, got the Rocky Robot and everything.

4. Christopher Hitchens Calls Hillary a Pathological Liar

It’s hard to figure out Christopher Hitchens. You’ll agree with him on one thing then listen to him say something absurd like “no women are funny.” I would go with “few” woman are funny but none? Naw, that ain’t right.

In either event he’s absolutely right here:

The punishment visited on Sen. Hillary Clinton for her flagrant, hysterical, repetitive, pathological lying about her visit to Bosnia should be much heavier than it has yet been and should be exacted for much more than just the lying itself.

Hitchens.

5. April Fools Day is Utterly Lame

April Fools Day is utterly lame. It’d be okay if it were just kids and people with a sense of humor who did it but it’s all corporatized now. And corporations make poor comedians. Check it.

• Pizza Hut announces that it’s changing it’s name to “Pasta Hut.” Zinger!
• CafePress announces their creating a “customizable” dating service. Yowza!
• Google and Virgin Air team up to create “Virgle Airlines.” Guffaw!
• Christian Magazine writes article stating that Jesus would strike a kid with a fucking stick.

Oops. That last one was true.

6. Clooney’s Girlfriend is Skankalicious

Clooney new girl Sarah Larson was a chick he picked up working in a Vegas bar. If he didn’t see this coming he was crazy.

7. UpDown.Com

This site — Updown.com — promotes itself as Fantasy Football for Investors. This has been done about a billion times but I’m a sucker for crap.

8. George Bush Gave Me Herpes?

This is just taking it too far, TOO GODDAMN FAR!

9. Maybe That Wasn’t Taking It Too Far

Spencer Ackerman of TNR posted this letter from a soldier stationed in Iraq. It’s fascinating and, ultimately, probably right:

When I look at the problem that way, it becomes almost impossible to find a purpose in what we do. Regardless of what we do, the Shia are going to take control. They have completely infiltrated all the security forces. The only kind of leader who could keep them in check was a tyrant like Saddam. And when the Shia take control, as soon as we leave, they are going to be as brutal as they like against the Sunni and there will be little we can do about it. That is what will happen whether we leave tomorrow or in ten years.

10. ImperfectUnion.com

In a few days all the political blather on here will be shifting to ImperfectUnion.com; our new site. Then this will just be scantily clad chicks and crap t-shirts. You won’t need to come here anymore. Unless, of course, you want to read about Jesus and the switches and the striking of defenseless fucking kids and pathetic parenting and using Christianity to justify assault and what not.