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Sneaky Sharks Are Smarter Than Our Media
I was watching the “important coverage” of this morning’s shark attack in California when I happened to notice this headline. Is it just me or is this sort of obvious?
I love that. Sharks “typically attack from below.” Below what, the water? As far as I know very few sharks have the ability to attack from “above” the water but they are crafty buggers so who knows. Frankly that would be a news story worth reporting…
Ironically, this headline is almost as useless as a story about a swimmer getting attacked by a shark.
If you’re a Total Recall fan you’ll recall that creepy little mutant kid from the slum on Mars. No I’m not talking about Kuato, he was a creepy little mutant adult. I mean “Mutant Child,” the little kid who touches Quaid’s face and predicts “your career is going downhill.” Here she is looking freaky:
The name of the little girl is/was Sasha Rionda and, thankfully, it looks like she grew out of that awkward mutant stage. She’s the host of a Spanish language show on CNN and, uh, she’s pretty much hot now.
Robots are bad; always have been, always will be. Either they’re soulless jerks intent on exterminating humanity or they’re incompetent fools easily reprogrammed to cause hijinks.
But I have never known them to be addicts…
Until now.
C3PO Smells Smoke!
Oh No! R2D2! Smoking a Cigarette!
Beep Boob Beep (“Lay Off Me Man, I’m Just Trying To Relax”)
Dee-Dop-Doot (“Fine Narc, I’ll Snuff It”)
Lest you think this is some lame Photoshop job on my part, here’s the video evidence:
I don’t know what chemical you have to put in a cigarette to get a robot to smoke it but, dammit, the geniuses in Durham have figured it out.
The Daily Punk
April 22, 2008
(ShenaigaNation Edition)
1. When I Called Hillary “Pinocchi-Ho” I Meant I Consider Her To Be a Lying Whore.
I took some heat for calling Hillary a “Ho.” I think people thought I was using “ho” in the popular context, to mean a female. That is derogatory and I would never engage in such a practice. In fact when I called her a “Ho” I was using that word in the “derivative of the word whore” sense. That is, I believe she is a lying whore.
Don’t get all freaked out, there is a very solid basis for my statement. Here is the definition of a whore:
whore. n.
1. A prostitute.
2. A person considered sexually promiscuous.
3. A person who compromises principles for personal gain.
So the first two don’t apply. I doubt she’s promiscuous — gross — and I don’t believe she is a prostitute.
But the third definition fits.
How else can you explain the fact that she not only accepted — but actively sought — the endorsement of the Pittsburgh Mellon-Tribune, a conservative newspaper owned by Richard Mellon Scaife? In case you haven’t heard of him, Scaife was the primary backer of The American Spectator, whose Arkansas Project set out to find facts about Clinton. Among the facts the Project attempted to prove:
- That Bill harassed Paula Jones.
- That the Clintons collaborated with the CIA to run a drug smuggling operation out of the town of Mena, Arkansas.
- That Clinton had arranged for the murder of Vince Foster to cover up Whitewater.
There are a whole bunch more but they hardly bear repeating. The point is Hillary once hated this man. Indeed, her statements about the “vast right wing conspiracy” were based on the work and acts of Scaife.
But apparently the immense pain and personal anguish she suffered at the hands of this man was irrelevant if she could get something from him. So she put aside her hatred of the man and sought the endorsement.
That’s whorish behavior.
2. Earth Day!
Hey it’s Earth Day.
3. Dude Stuck in Elevator
New Yorker Nicholas White was working late. He got in the elevator to take a “smoke break” and was stuck in the thing for the next 41 hours. Apparently no one knew he was there. Here’s a great time-lapse video of him in the elevator.
Check out a few things as you watch it:
- Dude doesn’t ever seem to go to the bathroom.
- He never untucks his shirt.
- Somehow he manages to not go completely berserk and tear the elevator apart. Me? I’d have broken that armrest bar off in the first fifteen minutes. This guy? Chill.
4. I Made Another Absurd Movie
This one has some sweet Teen Wolf love.
5. “Top Scientists” Name “Life Changing” Books.
New Scientist Magazine asked a number of “top scientists” to name the book that changed his/her life. Okay make sure you understand what I’m saying here — “Changed Their Lives.”
Here’s the list:
- Farthest North (Modern Library Exploration)
– Steve Jones, geneticist. This is a “recovered” book; meaning it was out-of-print for a number of years. It’s about one of the early explorers to the North Pole. Okay, that sounds moderately interesting.
- Art of the Soluble
– V. S. Ramachandran, neuroscientist. This is a collection of essays about the scientific process. It’s called the art of the soluble so evidently there is a lot of dissolving of materials in water.
- Animal Liberation
– Jane Goodall, primatologist. The first “animal rights” book that exposed the unethical practices employed by the scientific community against animals. What did you expect Jane Goodall to be interested in? Chick loves apes man.
- Foundation (Foundation Novels)
– Michio Kaku, theoretical physicist. It’s some sci-fi nerdery written by Isaac Asimov.
- Alice in Wonderland – Alison Gopnik, developmental psychologist. You know this one. Brutal.
- One Two Three . . . Infinity: Facts and Speculations of Science
– Sean Carroll, theoretical physicist. Okay this is the rare book on here that might be relatively interesting. Here’s one of the many positive reviews: “There’s … magic in these pages. Gamow was one of the greatest of 20th century physicists, and at the same time, a great teacher whose passion for the sheer fun of math and science was communicated in his books …”
- The Idea of a Social Science: And its Relation to Philosophy
– Harry Collins, sociologist of science. God, who even knows about some of this crap. There aren’t any reviews on it and the title makes my head hurt. The “official review” says this is a “brave and interesting little book.” Well at least it’s short.
- Handbook of Mathematical Functions: with Formulas, Graphs, and Mathematical Tables
– Peter Atkins, chemist. Okay, wait a minute…this is a goddamn reference book! This guy’s life was changed by a reference book?! Holy smoke. Let’s go ahead and jump to the unfair conclusion that Doctor Atkins doesn’t get laid much.
- The Mind of a Mnemonist: A Little Book about a Vast Memory
– Oliver Sacks, neurologist. Okay this looks pretty cool: “A distinguished Soviet psychologist’s study…[of a] young man who was discovered to have a literally limitless memory and eventually became a professional mnemonist. Experiments and interviews over the years showed that his memory was based on synesthesia (turning sounds into vivid visual imagery), that he could forget anything only by an act of will, that he solved problems in a peculiar crablike fashion that worked, and that he was handicapped intellectually because he could not make discriminations, and because every abstraction and idea immediately dissolved into an image for him. It is all fascinating and delightful.”
- A Mathematician’s Apology – Marcus du Sautoy, mathematician. An essay by an old mathematician who recognizes his cognitive functions are kaput. This could be interesting but it’s out of print.
- The Leopard
– Susan Greenfield, neurophysiologist. This looks kind of cool. The scientists score another hit (albeit another obscure hit): “Giuseppe di Lampedusa, also an astronomer and a Sicilian prince, was 58 when he started to write The Leopard, though he had had it in his mind for 25 years. E. M. Forster called his work “one of the great lonely books.” What renders it so beautiful and so discomfiting is its creator’s grasp of human frailty…”
- Darwin and the Emergence of Evolutionary Theories of Mind and Behavior (Science and Its Conceptual Foundations series)
– Frans de Waal, psychologist and ethologist. This isn’t about Darwin. It’s about how other authors have reacted to their contemporary society’s ideas and acceptable of Darwin. You don’t want to read this just move on…
- Catch-22
/ The First Three Minutes: A Modern View Of The Origin Of The Universe
– Lawrence Krauss, physicist. Oh lord. You know Catch-22. The other one is about the Big Bang. Or, specifically, the first three minutes of the Big Bang. One can only wonder at the excitement that awaits the reader in that book.
- William James : Writings 1902-1910 : The Varieties of Religious Experience / Pragmatism / A Pluralistic Universe / The Meaning of Truth / Some Problems of Philosophy / Essays (Library of America)
– Daniel Everett, linguist. Why did I undertake the task of finding links for all of these damn books? This is boring the hell out of me.
- Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
– Chris Frith, neuroscientist. This guy’s life was changed by “Blade Runner.”
- The Naked Ape: A Zoologist’s Study of the Human Animal
– Elaine Morgan, author of The Aquatic Ape Hypothesis. This woman is a real fan of the ape’s I tell you what.
- King Solomon’s Ring: New Light on Animal Ways (Routledge Classics)
– Marian Stamp Dawkins, Zoologist. Five reviews, five five-star reviews. Sounds pretty decent actually.
6. ShenanigaNation
People are asking why exit polls are so skewed in these primaries. Here’s a guess: I think Obama does better in the exits because of the “shenanigan quotient.” For example, ditto-head Republicans switch sides, waltz in and vote for the weaker candidate on the other’s side, then tell the exit-pollers whatever they like.
ShenanigaNation I tell you.
This is another of the problems that come from a prolonged, unnecessary primary. In addition to the expense and discord, the GOP’s early finish makes the Democrats’ returns less accurate. If the GOP race was still under contention, it’s possible a true “Democrat” vote would have revealed a candidate by now. But there’s no party leadership, the acrimony drags on, and the actual outcome is decided by Republicans.
Great.
Isn’t this fixable? What harm is there in requiring people to declare their party six months in advance or before any state holds its primaries? The other races could, of course, be left open to late registration but wouldn’t that be more likely to produce a truly “Democratic” outcome?
I did a pretty crude little mashup of the audio from Bill Clinton’s 2004 Kerry speech with the video from today’s Hillary ad. It’s crude but effective. If you can do a more polished job please do! Send me the link though so I can replace this one.
Bush famously used scare tactics to convince voters to reelect him. First in defeating John McCain by alleging he had black love child, then against Kerry with the Swift Boat perfidity.
During the campaign, former President Clinton campaigned in support of Kerry and spoke out against such negative, pessimistic tactics:
“Now one of Clinton’s laws of politics is this: If one candidate is trying to scare you, and the other candidate is trying to get you to think; If one candidate is appealing to your fears, and the other one is appealing to your hopes; you better vote for one who wants you to think and hope…”
Of course, Bush’s tactics worked: McCain lost in the 2000 primary and Kerry lost in the 2004 election, despite one-time commanding leads for each.
Hillary took note. Here is her new campaign ad, released today on the eve of the Pennsylvania Primary:
Hillary depicts the image of numerous great former Democrats in her ad; FDR, Truman, and Kennedy. But is there any question her true mentors are Karl and W? It’s easy to pay lip service to the ideals of optimism — as she so forceful noted in her rebuke to the bitterness comments — but actions speak louder than words. This is cynicism, pure and simple; and a far cry from the “thought” and “hope” candidate her husband endorsed in 2004.
The quote speaks volumes. Of all the memorable statements made by the great Democrat Presidents she depicts in her ad, which does she choose?
Maybe I’m naive but I prefer the candidate who would have chosen this quote instead:
And — at this point — that isn’t Hillary.
Script: Hillary Goes To Pennsylvania
Act IV: Hillary Needs a Night Off: Politicking is Ha-ard
*Now with Alternate “Homage to Weird Science” Ending!
(Senator Hillary Rodmam Clinton enters the bar after a hard night of drafting laws, negotiating important treaties, writing speeches, dodging bullets, and doing other Senatorial Stuff. She’s joined by a staffer “Betsy.”)
Hillary: Did he follow us?
Betsy: No, we lost him.
Hillary: Good, he’s so self-important. Phht, Big Bill Clinton. What a dork.
Betsy (looking around): Well, what should we do Mrs. Clinton?
Hillary: First off, when the cameras aren’t around it’s “Hot Rod,” how many times I gotta fuckin’ tell you?
Betsy: Sorry … Hot-Rod.
Hillary: And what do you think we’re gonna do? Get wassssesstedd! Gimme that beer right there!
Betsy: But Ms. Clin…Hot-Rod, that’s just a beer someone left on the table…it’s dirty!
Hillary: Please, this isn’t that elitist Barack Obama you’re talking to, I’m dirty!
Betsy: Umm, well, if you think it’s okay–
Hillary: You prissy bitch I’ll get it myself, out of my way!
Hillary Chugs a Beer
Hillary: Ohhh YEAH! Brewski tastes good after a hard day o’ law writing! Hey! Who around here is gonna buy a lady a brew-dog!?
(Hillary Turns and Nearly Bumps into Todd — the Man Wearing the Suit)
Todd: Hey! You’re, like, Hillary Rodham Clinton aren’t you?
Hillary: That’s Senator Clinton you impertinent punk.
Todd: Oh my God, I – I – I apologize Senator, for being so bold I am terr–
Hillary: Hush it hottie. You get me another beer you can be as bold as you like!
Todd: Tony, get the Senator another beer! And a round for my boys as well!
(The beers Are Poured and the Men Gather Anxiously)
Hillary: Boysh, a toast! To regular folk! Down with elitist pussies!
Dudes: Yeah! Regular folk! Like us guys who wear suits in bars!
Don’t Be Fooled, Hillary’s Got a Van Halen Tour Tee Under That Suit Jacket
Hillary: Oh My God Todd take a look at this dork next to me in the “Dad” sweatshirt. What a tool!
Todd: Totally! What a nerd! He’s prob’ly some farmer or something.
Hillary: Check it out, I’m gonna mess with him…
(Hillary Turns to “Dad”)
Hillary: Hey Farmer Brown, buy a lady a shot?
Guy in “Dad” Shirt: Actually I’m a retired stockbroker but, okay–
Hillary: Ohh! Whoop-a-dee-do! Hey everybody “Dad” thinks he’s better than me! Fuck you old man I’m a goddamn United States Fucking Senator…boys get this asshole out of here.
(Secret Service Agents Move in and Remove “Dad” From The Bar)
Todd: Damn Hot Rod, that was freakin’ awesome! Time for shots?
Hillary: Make it something hard. I don’t need no goddang Jaeger like you little bitches sip on.
This Shot Is Making Me Warm
Hillary: Keep em’ coming boys!
(Later That Evening: The Bar Has Cleared and Someone Has Drug a Record Player Out. It Is Set On “Generic-Formula-Movie-Skip-Mode.” Todd, Hillary, and, Inexplicably, “Dad” Are Sitting in a Booth)
Hillary: Todd man…lemme tell ya a little story man. When I was at Princeton I went insane over this crazy little upstart poli-sci major.
Dad: Crazy?
Todd: Insane?
Dad: Insane?
Todd: Crazy?
Hillary: I was nuts for the dude man, you gotta believe me. And what did it was this big potential he had.
Todd: Huh-HO! BIG potential.
Hillary: I called him every damn night.
Todd: Every damn night!
Dad: On the telephone?
Hillary: What this boy talk about on the telephone! We know it was on the telephone!
Todd: Explain it to him.
Hillary: Shoot!
Todd: So what happened? What happened to that guy with the big big potential?
(Betsy Walks Up)
Betsy: He fucked a little fatty and made Hillary look like a cold fish.
Dad: He did WHAT?!
Todd: He made you look like a fool in front of everyone by screwing a big, big fatty?!
Hillary: Broke my heart man…in two.
Dad: There go your Presidential chances. Who wants to elect a President who can’t even handle her man.
Hillary (To Secret Service Agents): Get em outta here.
Daily Links
April 14, 2008
A Few Absurd Stories You Need to Know About
1. Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape
Marilyn was such a visionary. First big star to pose nude. First celebrity to screw a President. First athlete star-fucker. The only thing she didn’t do was make a sex tape. Uhhhh.
The New York Post is reporting that a 15-minute sex-reel starring Marilyn Monroe not only exists, but was just sold to a New York collector for $1.5M. It gets weirder: the NYC businessman who now owns the footage bought it from the son of a dead FBI informant. And sorry, you’re not going to get to see it on YouTube … yet.
“The gentleman who bought it said out of respect for Marilyn he’s not going to make a joke of it and put it on the Internet and try to exploit her,” Keya Morgan, the memorabilia man who brokered the sale, told Reuters.
“He said, ‘I’m not going to make a Paris Hilton out of her. I’m not going to sell it, out of respect.”
Ah yes, “respect.” That’s what you call it when you spend $1.5 million to watch a dead icon suck dick…respect.
2. In Rare “Double Whammy” a Republican Representative Violates National Security Interests and Reveals Himself as a Racist
Republican Representative Geoff Davis took part in a “top-secret” war simulation with Senator Obama. Apparently ignoring that “top secret” means you “aren’t supposed to talk about it,” Rep. Davis came out today and said “we don’t want that boy to have his finger on the button.”
First off, there are only three times a human being might be called “boy.” The first is when adults are referring to males under the age of 18 (although this age can be raised by up to 4 years if the youth is a football player in a movie or TV show). The second is when a substantially older male is referring to a group of younger men who are “aimin’ to git inta trouble.” An example of this might be something like “them boys is lookin’ to stir up a hornet’s nest,” something like that. The third is when racist white assholes refer to black men whom they do not believe are equal to them. Just to make clear here: Obama is 46, Davis is 49, and I don’t think Obama was heading to the “waterin’ hole.”
Second, despite the protestations of guys like “Representative Davis,” Barack Obama may indeed become the President one day. Republicans call every disclosure of troop deaths “aiding the enemy” yet I haven’t heard one come out against the security implications of this statement. If, indeed, Obama is not decisive in a crisis situation is this really something we want people to know about?
Third, whatever Obama’s capabilities, they can’t be worse than the guy who took forty-five minutes to put down his dog-eared copy of the Pokey Little Puppy when the twin towers went down.
3. The Trouble With the Trouble With Tribbles
If you plan on watch Jeopardy tonight, read no further. Because the answer to the Final Question is Tribbles. And if you didn’t know that then you are officially okay in my book. Let’s be clear Trekkies, other than Wrath of Khan, every episode of Star Trek — and most of the movies — sucked. Every. Last. One.
Calm down Zorkon, I’m right. Here’s why:
Almost every problem they ever faced could have been solved with more liberal use of the fucking teleporter. Enemy ship approaching? Teleport a bomb on board. Kirk in trouble on foreign planet? Teleport him back. Strange creature trying to kill crew? Teleport it’s brain to a different location.
The Tribbles are a perfect example of this. For those not in the know, a “tribble” is a goofball little rabbit creature that threatens to overrun the Enterprise with their profligate love-making. So what do they do? I can’t recall. I only know that it wasn’t what I would have done — teleport their fucking asses into space.
Frankly, the ONLY problem that couldn’t have realistically been solved by a teleporter was the one that WAS solved with the teleporter: providing a herd of whales for a giant spaceship that threatens to destroy Earth unless “there be whales here!” (If that plot setup doesn’t confirm Star Trek sucks nothing can).
In other words, we are supposed to believe the Enterprise can teleport two hundred-thousand pound whales aboard — with water — but they can’t port a bunch of rabbits into space?
God Star Trek is horrible.
4. Alicia Keys is a Moron
Alicia Keys says that “gangsta rap” didn’t exist; it was all a vicious plot by the Government to convince black people to kill one another. Sorry Alicia but I was there; and there ain’t no way a Government employee could have written lyrics like this…
Cruisin down the street in my six-fo’
Jockin the bitches, slappin the hoes
Went to the park to get the scoop
Knuckleheads out there cold shootin some hoops
A car pulls up, who can it be?
A fresh El Camino rolled, Kilo G
He rolls down his window and he started to say
It’s all about makin that GTA
Okay she may be onto something.
5. America the Beautiful, 2008
Round about 2001, a clinically-depressed boy named Christopher Pittman was sent to live with his Grandparents because his Dad “couldn’t handle him.” Shortly thereafter, he tried to commit suicide in front of his sister and was placed on Zoloft. Almost immediately the boy had severely negative side effects such as mania and recurrent painful burning sensations. In response the doctor did the most logical thing: He put him on pain medication and upped his dose of Zoloft; from 100mg daily to 200mg daily.
Shortly thereafter, Pittman had an argument on the school bus, choked a fellow student, and later disturbed the person playing piano in his church. That night, after receiving a paddling from his grandfather, he went into his grandparents’ bedroom and murdered them with their own shotgun. He set fire to the house and fled.
Eventually he was apprehended and accused of the crime. The case was big news, naturally, and the Prosecutor decided to “throw the book at him” and try him as an adult. Although the standard for trying a child as an adult is whether the child possesses “the capacity to appreciate the nature and quality of his conduct,” and this kid was clearly more emotionally immature than the average twelve year old, the court agreed Pittman’s “planning” beforehand demonstrated he understood the “nature and quality of his conduct.” Ultimately the kid was convicted of the crime and sentenced to 30 years in jail. The matter was appealed to the United States Supreme Court.
Today the Court decided the matter did not warrant review and denied his appeal. They did not comment on the matter but evidently at least six bought the Attorney General’s argument that sentencing a 12 year old to 30 years in jail was neither cruel nor unusual. This despite the fact that only 2 of the 50 states permit trial of any 12 year old as an adult; and certainly any person of reasonable sense would agree this kid was more challenged than the average 12 year old. Sorry kid, see you at age 42.
Hillary’s right. Obama needs to stop saying there are problems in this Country that need fixing.
Everything is just fine.
You’re Right I’m Bitter: At Hillary
April 14, 2008 in Daily Punk, Politics | Tags: are americans bitter, bitter, bitterness, economy, government, hillary clinton, hillary honesty, hillary is a liar, hillary liar, obama bitterness comments, Politics | 1 comment
The Daily Punk
April 14, 2008
(Hillary Bitter Beer Face Edition)
In comments he later characterized as “inartful,” Obama said that many Pennsylvanians are “bitter” because the government has failed to meet its promises:
This is his opinion, of course, but it’s certainly closer to the reality I see than the Pollyanna America described by Republicans and the Hillary camp. But don’t listen to me, no less an authority than Bill Clinton agrees:
So let’s see: We have the front-running candidate for the party hoping to reclaim the Presidency making the rather non-controversial statement that people are dissatisfied with the State of the Union; an opinion echoed by the last Democratic President. So what’s Hillary’s response?
Why ignorance and hypocrisy of course! So she jumps on his remarks as evidence of his “elitist”, “condescending” and “out of touch” attitude; dons a NASCAR cap; pulls out her needle-point; then tosses this hunk of hope into the peasant’s stew:
And, of course, just to show how utterly “common,” “humble,” and “with it” she is, she then joins the rabble for a shot of Crown Royal (a Canadian Whiskey FYI) and a beer:
“Whoish calling at this hour? Three AM!? I’m sooo hurting. Let it go to voicemail.”
If you’re keeping score at home that’s: One Massive Mischaracterization, One Willful Ignorance of Reality, Three Utterly Galling Put-Downs, Four Pointless Platitudes, Five Empty Promises, and One Yaeger-Bomb.
Oh and a 20 point gain in the most recent voters’ poll.
This is simply too rich. Hillary Clinton (the daughter of a wealthy textile businessman, graduate of Wellesley and Harvard, recipient of a hand-delivered Senatorship, and earner of over $120 million in the last six years) chastizes Barack Obama (an African-American raised by a single mother) as an “elitist” because he dares to empathize with people’s anger. Hillary, on the other hand, offers words as empty as her shotglass then claims Obama is “condescending.”
Now that is a bitter pill to swallow.
The fact of the matter is that, if Hillary somehow wins the nomination, she will be forced to side with Obama on this issue. The Republican party’s success over the past twenty years has been fueled by the seemingly limitless belief that “Government sucks.” Hillary could, of course, engage that discussion in an effort to gain party ground. But this isn’t about the party gaining ground; it’s about Hillary gaining ground. So the self-described “Best Democratic Nominee” runs to the bar, slugs some shots, hugs some babies, mugs for the camera, and throws her party further under the bus by mischaracterizing the facts. And that mischaracterization — along with a slug of Crown — is worth twenty points more than the truth.
The great irony of this is that, by her actions, Hillary proved Obama right. The Government’s failure to deliver what Americans want is making us bitter. But it’s not jobs or handouts we’re asking of our Government, it’s something that is far harder to grant:
Honesty.
Obama has it; Hillary doesn’t.