Here are today’s top stories: Andy Rodick is engaged to a swimsuit model with the awesomely hot/fake name of “Brooklyn Decker,” singer Sean Levert (of “LeVert” fame) is dead, Carnival Cruise annoyant Kathy Lee (of Frank and Cody fame) is going to host the “fourth hour” of the Today show, and today is the start of the baseball season.
Now, be honest, which of those stories do you really give a damn about?
(I thought so Casanova).
Let’s face it…baseball is dead.
Technically the games are still played and it’s more profitable than ever but emotionally? It’s dead. Or more accurately, a zombie. Pump some Thriller out of those stadium speakers and it’ll do a little dance but the limbs are falling off faster than Michael Jackson’s clothes at a waterslide park. (Ouch, that was bad). The American Pastime? Football is more popular. Still looking for Joe DiMaggio? You’ll find him in court suing Simon & Garfunkel. Field of Dreams? With the outrageous salaries and player demands it’s more like “Field of Gold.” Baseball is walking and talking and shooting up but make no mistake…
It’s dead.
So, in light of this once great sport, I am dedicating today’s Daily Punk List of 10 Stories That Seldom Have Anything To Do With One Another to one single topic: Baseball. That’s right. I’m picking the least interesting story of the day and running with it. Why? Because baseball used to be great. Because baseball might be great again. Because you can’t do ten posts on “Cody” and LeVert wasn’t even a one hit wonder.
Don’t let its inclusion on SportsCenter fool ya dog, Baseball is no longer a “sport.” Sure the individual games pit competitors against one another under the auspices of equally applied rules, blah blah blah but the foundation itself has destroyed what makes it “fair.” And fairness is the essence of sport. Want to know why the NBA is dying? Because of the “Superstar Call.” When Shaq gets four steps but your skinny, punk-ass, tattoo-and-zit encrusted center gets two, the event is no longer a “Sport.” Baseball is less obvious, but equally unfair.
The problem is the economics of the game itself. The American concept of Laissez-faire capitalism may benefit companies but it devastates sport. Take salaries for example. The problem with high corporate salaries is not so much that companies pay their CEOs exorbitant salaries (although that is irritating), it’s that those monies are better invested somewhere else. Theoretically, this should mean that a leaner, better managed company has an economic advantage over the dinosaur. Or it means that the CEO was worth that sum.
In sports, on the other hand, high salaries actually reduce competition. Only a few select teams can afford to pay A-Rod $250 million and still field a competitive team. Every other team gets B-Rod. All things being equal, Team B-Rod will be worse than Team A-Rod. Okay. But it’s the long term impact that is so detrimental. Because your team, on average, has a higher proportion of B-Rods than A-Rods, they win fewer games. This pisses you off so you go less often. Your kids don’t grow up going so they play the Wii instead. Eventually you find they’re playing more Madden than Griffey. Twenty years later they’ll sit in the stands and drink the ESB but they don’t care. End of story.
Free agency and profit sharing (or lack thereof) have rendered pure cash money as the ultimate path to sport success. But cash money is not competition. As explained by the author Stephen Moore:
The unique American formula of individual Liberty and free enterprise has cultivated risk taking, experimentation, innovation, and scientific exploration on a grand scale that has never occurred anywhere before.
Baseball’s system does nothing to promote these goals. Innovation, planning, risk-taking are meaningless. “Innovate” all you want, Yunievsky Bettancourt isn’t going to hit 50 home runs this year. Worse, if he does, he’ll leave. The rules decree that the teams in the biggest cities have more money and are allowed to spend it as they see fit. The Yankees spend money idiotically yet they make the playoffs almost every year.
This does not enhance competition. In the business world the Yankees exorbitant spending would give them no advantage. Microsoft has far more money than Apple yet they lose every time they go head to head. Apple is able to make up that cash disadvantage through innovation, efficiency, and experimentation. These are concepts that are worthless in baseball. A company stationed in Kansas City can compete because Factory-Worker-Dude can buy a house for the $20 per hour he makes in Missouri. But gold-plated bidets cost the same whether you’re in Wichita or Manhattan so — all things being equal — A-Rod will take New York.
Reason #2: The League Doesn’t Care About The “Real Fans”
As a result of this unending drive for dollars baseball has been forced to court the corporate and comfort crowd; people who do not care about the game. With the possible exception of basketball (which literally prefers smaller arenas with larger corporate boxes), there is no other sport that relies on such a disinterested fanbase.
Fifty years ago the start of baseball season would result in an Army of dungaree wearing ragamuffins gathering outside the yard to catch a dinger. “Ahh nuts Spanky, the old nine rung up another stinker!” the kids would exclaim. Today? The fanbase is thirty year old Moneyball-quoting ad execs drunk on microbrews. These aren’t “fans,” they’re corporate hipsters more interested in downloading stats on their iPhone than actually watching the game. The true fans — the “die hards” — are fewer in number every year. And more and more these guys avoid actually going to the game. If the prices don’t drive him off the OPS-spouting snark in 128-36-J will.
Don’t buy into the MLB hype about attendance going through the roof; postseason ratings tell the true tale. They decline every single season. Why? Because stat-man is interested in quarterback ratings now and ballpark attendance doesn’t correllate with fan interest.
Not good.
Reason #3: No Leadership
The fact that the Greatest Player in the History of the Game is a chemically crafted dick has been covered. The fact that a ton of other players have been implicated as well is merely more taint on an otherwise corrupt game. The entire world seems to agree that these guys should be kicked out or otherwise punished. So what does the league do?
Nothing.
This is insane but hardly surprising. Hell it took a special commission of Congress to actually bring these facts to the fore because baseball had absolutely no desire to police itself. Commissioner Selig is so soulless and weak he not only didn’t kick Bonds out of the league, he actually showed up to applaud his home run record.
Reason #4: The Players are Personality-less Asses
Finally the players are assholes. I used to work for the Mariners so I can confirm that very few players are decent people. For every good guy like Edgar Martinez there were no less than nineteen arrogant assholes like A-Rod. They shun interviews, mock the fans, grab money at every turn, and fuck every decent chick in town. They suck.
But the worst of it is they have no character. Bonds has no remorse about destroying the sport he grew up in. Johnny Damon says he’s a quirky, interesting guy then flees for the hairless confines of Yankee Stadium. Clemens lies to Congress. A-Rod tries to fuck Canseco’s girl, the stories never end.
It didn’t used to be this way. Baseball is festooned with great players who were both good and interesting. Babe Ruth was too drunk to bone your girl. Jackie Robinson endured taunts and slurs to open doors for African-Americans. Henry Aaron received death threats but valiantly played on. And do you really think this guy would have accepted Steinbrenner’s facial hair ban?
Hell no he wouldn’t.
Conclusion
“Freedom,” as John Milton once told Keanu, “is never having to say you’re sorry.” After that he did a weird little dance step thing and mugged for the camera. It wasn’t Pacino’s best performance but at least it was entertaining.
Britney sis Jamie Lynn rolled out this shirt to confirm she’s getting married. The second leg of the white trash trifecta is complete. Final move? Bare feet.
(Sorry I Went On Vacation and Neglected My Poor Blog Thus I Am Throwing Crap at the Wall Like a Drunken Monkey Edition)
1. The Age of the Instrapreneur
A new technology allows for the immediate fabrication of any three dimensional object; what Wired Magazine is calling the “Age of the Instrapreneur.” Pretty fascinating implications; whatever you can think of is instantly created. But I don’t like it.
This reminds me of the “Feed” from Neal Stephenson’s The Diamond Age. In the Diamond Age Stephenson envisioned the needs of the poor being met through a fabrication device that would instantly create anything people want. This ultimately leads to a restless, dissatisfied society who realize that power and control can’t be subsumed to material goods (or something like that, dissecting Stephenson is far beyond my menial abiltiies).
2. The Lark
My boy Jack Green is singing for a Portland area band, The Lark. I’ve been promising to put their logo up here but I freaking suck. Anyway, here you go. Click on the logo to listen to the band; they sound awesome.
3. Chinese Democracy
Dr. Pepper has promised a free Doctor Pepper to every human on the planet if Axl Rose actually gets off his ass and releases the long awaited “Chinese Democracy” Guns & Roses album. Don’t start licking your lips Mr. Pibb, Chinese Democracy has been under production for fifteen years and no one has heard more than a handful of songs. Also keep in mind their last album was Choose Your Illusion, a double disc set that had about four good songs combined. Since then he’s fired everyone and become a recluse. This doesn’t bode well.
4. The Truth About National Debt
If you give a shit, take a look at this. Seems accurate. In a nutshell your fiscally responsible republicans like borrowing money whereas Democrats believe in responsible spending. Sorry Dad.
5. Whatever Happened to Jonna Lee?
There’s a made for TV movie on today — Shattered Innocence — that features an actress named Jonna Lee. In the movie she plays Pauleen Anderson, a young woman who moves to Hollywood and ends up getting into the porn. If you’ve ever seen this oft-played movie you’ll remember her as the recipient of the immortal line: “It doesn’t matter what kind of films you make as long as they are profitable.” In hindsight this line pretty much sums up fame since about 1995. As I’ve noted before, a long string of twits have learned that fame follows foolishness; from Pamela to Paris to Kim to Ashley, etc.
But the really interesting part is the actress Jonna Lee. As this blog notes, this woman was hot and attractive and utterly disappeared after this movie. Other than a few “Murder She Wrotes,” she never worked again.
It’s hot girl day, let’s stop pretending. And there is nothing hotter than a hottie who likes to rock.
Like this chick.
8. Livan Hernandez Kicks Ball to First Basemen
This is probably the most amazing play I’ve ever seen. Met’s pitcher Livan Hernandez realizes he’s too fat to pick the ball up so he kicks it instead. Flat out awesome play.
9. Rick Rolled
The newest thing the kids are up to? Rick Rolling people. If you haven’t been Rick Rolled it basically involves somebody posting a link with some sort of tag line like “check out this rad video of two chipmunks fighting over an acorn,” then you click on it to find…
THIS.
Here’s a chick who got Rick Rolled.
10. Blog Etiquette
I went away for a few days — to Eastern Washington — and completely neglected my blog. This is the suck part of the Internet. You live somewhere like Seattle and everybody and their mother has a wireless network you can jack. You go to Wenatchee and you’re lucky to find someone who can spell “Interweb.” This is my roundabout way of saying that I failed to apologize for my inexcusable failure to blog.
(Seven Item Mad As Hell And I’m Not Gonna Take It Anymore Edition)
1. Hillary Is “Experienced” All Right: At Lying
We’ve seen her resume and checked her references. She made the short list and we’ve brought her in for some follow up questions; the second round. It’s an arduous process, yes, but it’s also a tough job. This is the President of these United States, for crying out loud, and it’s important we know how she’ll perform. And so the questions are asked and the answers are given. She was doing okay, for a while, but the applicant has given an answer that doesn’t make sense. We took it at face value but did a little research. Turns out she wasn’t telling the truth. Turns out she was exaggerating her qualifications. Turns out she doesn’t have the experience she claims. But we’ve learned a lot from that question. We’ve learned she doesn’t deserve the job.
First, let’s take her response at face value and ignore the lie. It’s a terrible answer. When the only example of experience you can cite to is a government paid junket chilling with Sinbad and Cheryl Crow, you are not qualified to be President. (Frankly that set list is so “B” I wouldn’t give her a job as club promoter). Even if the sniper incident were true it has no bearing on her “Experience.” (Would she have been less experienced if snipers didn’t shoot at her?) And yet this is what she points to; a meaningless answer.But even “bad answers” have meaning. In the job interview they ask you about your experience but this isn’t what they care about; what they want to know is “how are you going to perform?” Questioning the past is merely a proxy to how you might do in the future. Your “experience” is listed on your resume; the point of the Q&A is to size you up, to gauge you as an employee. And in her answer Hillary’s qualities have been lain bare:
She’s a liar.
Hillary’s gut response is to lie. And enough with the Bush-esque double speak: this was not “misrecollection,” this was a bald faced lie. Her statement wasn’t spur of the moment, it was written in a speech prepared by her staff. Lame answers can be excused, lies cannot. I, for one, have had enough of lies fed me by my Government. The act of the lie itself renders her unfit for office.
And please Hillary supporters, stop with the justifications. She’s applying for the job, our job, the highest position in our department, President. There is not an employer in the world who would keep or consider her if she was caught telling a lie like this. Don’t tell me this is how politics is and it means she’s tough. Take the toughest professions in the world — stock broker, mercenary, sniper, whatever — not one of them would consider “lying” as an integral component of that position. “Lying” is never a positive job qualification.
As our prospective employee we should expect the whole package. Ability, knowledge, strength, and character. Hillary doesn’t have it.
2. Sean Hannity and Personal Responsibility
Here’s an old quote from Fox’ Number One Racist, any wonder why this logic shouldn’t apply to Barack Obama?
You know, no other person is responsible for what a person says except that person. And so, if they have a problem with what Ann Coulter says, blame Ann Coulter. You can’t blame somebody else for what she said.
Sean Hannity, responding to Ann Coulter’s public use of the term “faggot” at CPAC’s conference last year.
3. Hollywood Takes Typical Lame Pussy Route, Fucks Up Fanboys
Fanboys is a story that takes place in 1998 about a kid who can’t wait to see Episode I. He literally “can’t wait,” he’s dying of cancer. So his friends pack up and head to the Skywalker Ranch to see if they can’t get a sneak peek at one of the worst movies ever made: The Phantom Menace. (Note to cancer kids; make “fucking whores” your life goal, not seeing lame movies with bad dialogue).
Anyway, turns out that Harvey Weinstein has demanded a story rewrite. He wants the cancer kid out. It’s bringing him down, making him all sad and what not. “Nobody likes a sickly invalid,” he said (I paraphrased that). Here’s what happened:
Fanboys was shot with the cancer story intact and screened at a convention in near-finished form. But a new version was recently screened for test audiences in which there is no mention of cancer — the impetus for the cross-country journey is now merely an impatience to see the film and a chance for the friends to bond.
Why the changes? The studio was skittish about a comedy that centers on a terminally ill person. It’s hard to get audiences to laugh after a mention of cancer.
Yo Harvey, nobody likes sausage fingered monomaniacal assholes either but that hasn’t seemed to hurt you. Find the balls under your gunt and give the story some cred.
4. World Comes to End: Bush Takes Side of Inmate Sentenced to Death, Supreme Court Rules Against White House
Bush took up the cause of a man sentenced to death against his home State of Texas, and was overruled by the Supreme Court. Apparently Texas violated some treaty or some damn thing but this is still remarkable.
5. Breast Implant Surgery Kills High School Girl
Another young girl — Stephanie Kuleba — dies in the course of receiving needless surgery to make her feel “pretty.” This is a true tragedy, in the real sense of the word. Just because they can fix it don’t mean it’s broke. The only thing these parents are financing is the destruction of their children’s egos. This isn’t an attack on this girl’s parents, I have no idea what compelled their decision. But this happens all the time and the majority of these surgeries are literally physically and emotionally harmful.
Let’s get some perspective here. I can’t see her chest, I don’t need to. Take a look and tell me why it is that she needs “enhancement.”
Parents would be better off screwing a saddle on her back, at least that’d take some of the pressure off her spine when she’s got a fourth linebacker in her.
Clinton has campaigned this year as a critic of the North American Free Trade Agreement.
Despite the fact that the deal was promoted and passed during the Bill Clinton presidency, and despite her own long record of praising NAFTA’s “benefits,” Clinton has been claiming on the current campaign trail that, “I have been a critic of NAFTA from the very beginning.”
In truth, she was an advocate for NAFTA within the Bill Clinton White House. White House records released last week confirm that Hillary Clinton spoke on behalf of NAFTA and participated in strategy sessions organized to figure out how to gain congressional approval of an agreement that was opposed by labor, farm, environmental and human-rights groups.
This isn’t about whether you are for or against NAFTA. It’s time to be for or against principles. Obama has em, Hillary doesn’t.
7. Old School Bloggin’ Bout Jesus
As of tomorrow I no longer have my old domain, blog.dickard.net. It’s going down today because I don’t feel like updating two blogs and can’t stand GoDaddy’s “Quick Blog” proprietary software. In the words of James Carville “It isn’t very good.” Anyway in honor of that amazing blog I wanted to re-publish my first posting. Here’s the background:
Things were going in awry in Israel and a few religious personages — including Jerry Falwell — had come out and stated their belief that this meant Christ was coming back. I was torn…support Jesus and maybe buy myself a little Christ Cred? Or go with the odds and the easy ciz-nash? Sure I was risking the eternal hellfire but what’s that versus the two blog subscribers I nabbed? I took a look at my cheat sheet:
Team Jesus Isn’t Coming Back This Year: 2007 Points
Team Jesus Just Saddled Up His Pony, You’re In Big Trouble: 0 Points.
The odds seemed promising so I went for it. Turns out I was totally right. It wasn’t even close. Jesus like totally did not come back from Heaven. “Whammo, second encore!” says Nelson. “I love it when a plan comes together!” George Peppard cooly exclaims. [Insert footage of me doing the "Cabbage Patch" here].
Anyway here’s the post. Sorry it’s a little tough to read.
One of these mid-West states is having another one of their cockamamie regionalized Holidays. I already discussed “Sweetest’s Day” so I figure I should cover this one as well. Especially since it may have an even worse name:
The Dyng was invented by Polish immigratnts apparently unhappy about America’s “lack of degrading and pointless traditions.” On the DD, Polish persons dress in traditional ill-fitting garb and the young men pour buckets of water over young girls’ heads. They then assault the ladies with pussywillow switches.
Dyngus Day everyone!
2. The Pussywillow Treatment of Hillary Continues
If you haven’t heard — and you probably haven’t because the media is ignoring it — Hillary boosted her “experience” cred by claiming that she traveled to Bosnia as First-Lady and was forced to take cover from sniper fire. Here she is discussing the “heavy fire” she endured.
As the Washington Post reports, this is a bald-faced lie.
Far from running to an airport building with their heads down, Clinton and her party were greeted on the tarmac by smiling U.S. and Bosnian officials. An 8-year-old Muslim girl, Emina Bicakcic, read a poem in English. An Associated Press photograph of the greeting ceremony, below, shows a smiling Clinton bending down to receive a kiss.
Why is this not getting more attention? This is not a lapse in recollection, either she endured sniper fire or she didn’t. If you came under fire and were forced to flee the tarmac it would be burnished on your memory. You don’t simply “forget” or “misunderstand” such a fact.
Obama is assailed for statements made by his Reverend six years ago. Hillary flat out lies and is apparently getting away with it.
I hope you were sitting down when you read that as it may come as something of a shock but, yes, it’s true, Sean Hannity is a racist. And a coward. A smug arrogant fuck who equates hate with conservatism but doesn’t have the balls to come out and say what he thinks. This accusation comes out in light of the fact that he has enjoyed a long relationship with the racist talk show host Hal Turner. This isn’t merely a cordial professional relationship with a colleague, Turner is a full scale racist and advocate of violence. You can cull the web for numerous examples of his hatred or you can just go to halturner.com. I didn’t bother reading past the first post when I found this:
Barak Obama is a half breed negro with overt Marxist leanings who engaged in homo sex while using drugs. I can just see him doing to America what his fellow Africans have done for their countries: Mugabe has Zimbabwe starving; Mandella collapsed South Africa. . . the whole continent suffers skyrocketing crime and rampant disease. Want that for America?
Turner’s comments aren’t merely a “different point of view.” He is, indeed, a dangerous criminal who incites crime and smugly celebrates the harm he has done:
To give you a real life example of what I mean, a couple years back, I “opined” on my radio show that a ruling made by U.S. District Court Judge Joan Humphrey-Lefkow made her “worthy of being killed.” (She ordered a church to destroy its religious materials over a “trademark”).
After I gave my “opinion” a gunman broke into the Judge’s home in Chicago and murdered her husband and mother. Later, when cops hunted down the gunman, he committed suicide before being taken, so there was no proof he did anything because of me.
And, of course, he’s an ardent believer in respecting the ideas of others:
I am perfectly willing to use force and violence against my enemies while Sean Hannity and others are not. Those using me as a prop to attack Sean Hannity would do well to remember this fact. Rest assured I will remember them when the opportunity presents itself…
So what does this have to do with Hannity? They’re friends. But don’t take it from me, take it from the chief accuser, his “friend” the white supremacist Hal Turner:
I was quite disappointed when Sean Hannity at first tried to say he didn’t know me and then went on to say that I ran some senate campaign in New Jersey. In fact, Sean Hannity does know me and we were quite friendly a number of years ago.
Indeed, more than friends. As Max Blumenthal has detailed, Hannity cultivated his friendship with Turner; using him as a foil to express opinions he could not:
Hannity recognized his audience’s thirst for red meat, racist rhetoric. However, he knew that if he wanted to avoid [the former host's] fate, he needed an air of deniability. When “Hal from North Bergen” began calling his show, Hannity found he could avoid the dangers of direct race-baiting by simply outsourcing it to Turner.
This alone should cause suspicion of Hannity but Turner backs it up with concrete facts; facts that are easily substantiated by Fox:
Around 1997, Sean invited me and my then-three-year-old-son, to come to Fox News Channel to be in the studio (NOT ON THE AIR) during a live broadcast of “Hannity & Colmes”. I accepted the invitation and my son and I went. We were inside the studio standing between the camera men as the show aired live…
Fox must commence an investigation of this accusation today. Commentators and television reporters are given a public trust that must be honored. If in fact Hannity invited this guy to the studio and maintained the friendship Turner describes then that trust has been broken. This is beyond listening to the viewpoint of persons who hold different opinions. Turner is a full-fledged supremacist who utilizes his ignorant voice to silence anyone who dares oppose him.
Sean Hannity should be sentenced according to his own standard. When the Jeremiah Wright story broke he called for Obama to resign from the campaign and from the Senate based solely on his “associations” with Wright. Like the spineless ass he is, of course, he doesn’t have the decency to abide by his own terms.
(Let’s Not Kid Each Other, I Stayed Up Until 3 and There’s No Way I’m Coming Up With 10 Items Edition)
1. Carville Steals Richardson’s 30 Pieces of Silver
In the ironies of ironies involving the word “irony” James Carville stated that it was “ironic” that Bill Richardson choose Friday to announce his support of Obama because it was Good Friday and thus relevant in some way to Judas’ betrayal of Jesus. First let’s set the record straight, there is nothing “ironic” about Richardson’s decision falling on some anniversay of Judas’ betrayal (dontcha think?). At best it might be “appropos” or “not uncoincidental” but ironic, no.
What is ironic, however, is that a representative of Hillary would call a decision based on principles rather than personal gain an ironic and Judas-like act of betrayal. The only person betraying their principles for personal gain here is Carville and the other so-called Democrats who continue to push this pointless campaign of Hillary’s (at the expense of their own party). Carville’s statement about Richardson benefitting in some way (although he did not) by standing on principle was itself unprincipled and beneficial only to himself. Carville’s analogy was inapposite to Richardson but utterly congruous with his own words.
And thus was the definition of irony met.
2. Deltalina.
Delta hired a hot chick to do their safety video. Her name is Katherine Lee but the kids are calling her “Deltalina.”
3. Cyndi Lauper Snags Coveted Spot #715 on Top 1000 All Time Song List
This website is engaged in the otherwise herculean effort to list the top 1000 songs of all time. Actually just listing the top 1000 songs of all time would be a piece of cake compared with what they are doing: providing a profile on each f&@%ing song. Crazy.
Anyway, the top 1000 kids think Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors” is 715. I have no idea maybe, who cares. I’ve always assumed that Cyndi Lauper was joking about being a musician. My only recollection of her was throwing stuff at Captain Lou Albano and having pink hair. And frankly “True Colors” is crap. It is in the second worst category of song — Inspiration Pop. It’s the musical antecedent of “Wind Beneath My Wings,” a song which begat “I Believe I Can Fly.”
Back to Lauper. I gave her no cred. But a few weeks ago I heard a great cover she “AnneWilsonofHeart” (you have to say it as one word) did of Maybe I’m Amazed. It’s available on YouTube.
4. More Ironical Ironies of Ironies
BTW, you might have noticed I didn’t actually write the word “fucking” in the above post. Instead I used all those crazy symbols. There are two reasons for this:
One, the use of symbols in place of actual letters have been shown to convey the same meaning and yet is deemed “less offensive” than typing the word by the Pointless Acts of Decency Association. These are the same guys who think slightly “fuzzing” Audrina’s nipples out of her topless shots makes it acceptable to show on E! and that “body paint” constitutes clothing.
Two, I got bounced by some liberal blog ad network because my site does not meet their moral standards. Namely, too much swearing. You heard it right, a liberal blogging network rejecting a blog as “too offensive.” Hey Carville, there’s another example of “ironic’ for you.
5. Least Attractive Teen Girl in Movie History.
Swimfan is on. That’s the movie where the girl likes the swim stud. He bones her but he’s got a way hotter girlfriend so he blows her off. She gets pissed and pulls a bunch of shenanigans on him which would be easily resolved were someone to pick up the phone and call 911 but, like Jennifer Lopez’ character in “Enough,” this thought never seems to cross his mind. Anyway. Terrible movie.
But it reminded me of Erika Christensen, a young woman who is — well there’s no other way to put it — homely. Notwithstanding, Christensen managed to work what she had into a moderately successful career as “teen love interest.”
In Hollywood this is known as the “Jones, Dr. Christmas Jones” postulate. When an actor somehow convince an entire industry to ignore their clear shortcomings and give them a job. In addition to Christensen (and, you know, Dr. Christmas Jones), there are at least two other famous examples of this phenomena in practice:
First, when a short, pudgy bit part actor named Henry Winkler convinced ABC to cast him as uber-tough biker stud Arthur Fonzerelli.
Second, when utterly average actor Matt LeBlanc managed to convince the producers of Friends to cast him as the “super attractive young actor.”
Ben Stein, whose chief claim to fame seems to be that he sounds smart, is the star of a new creationism documentary called “Expelled.” Unlike the typical “For The Bible Tells Me So” logic, the producers of the movie promise to show that “promoters of evolution” willfully ignore certain evidence and refuse to allow contrary theories. Obviously science is never benefited by a refusal to permit alternate thought so, in principle, this should be intriguing.
But, as you might expect, the overzealous and under-thought Creationist mind-frame has undermined their efforts. Although the promoters have attempted to quell any independent analysis of the film a few reviews have leaked out and, from the sounds of it, Expelled is typical “Discovery Institute” propaganda. Although the movie is ostensibly about “Freedom of Thought,” the producers don’t believe this idea applies to them.
Now We Know Why Ferris Skipped Stein’s Class
The movie isn’t set to be released for a few weeks. But to build the hype they are screening it to select viewers — pastors and such. Admission is by “invitation only” and dissenters and undesirables aren’t let in. (This is what suffices for open-mindedness in the creationist community). This was brought to light when PZ Myers, an evolutionary biologist quoted in the movie, was escorted out of the theater. Unfortunately they missed evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins who unexpectedly popped up after the movie was over and peppered them with a few questions.
Despite their efforts to quell dissent reviewer Roger Moore of the Orlando Sentinel managed to get in as well. His review wasn’t good. Among the standard poor research and lack of support for the academic shunning bit, the movie also claims that evolution is responsible for a host of evils such as Communism, Planned Parenthood, the communal living arrangements of Dogs and Cats and, oh yeah, the Holocaust.
This is ridiculous.
Evolution is a theory. Theories are descriptive, not proscriptive; they explain how things work, they don’t tell people how to act. Blaming the theory of evolution for the murder of 10 million people is like claiming the theory of gravity caused the apple to hit Newton. Is it possible the theory was used as a ruse to justify the extinction of the Jewish race? Possibly. But the real question is what causes people to commit evil acts. Religion says it is because people are “born sinners.” Evolution says it is the inevitable side effect of survival of the fittest, an idea artfully described by Neal Stephenson in the book Cryptonomicon:
In short, both disciplines reach a strikingly similar conclusion: our acts don’t make us evil, we areevil. The Church calls this Original Sin, evolutionists call it “natural selection,” both arrive at the same notion. Left to our devices we will probably try to kill one another.
On this front Expelled fails. Rather than explore the similarities between religion and evolution or show why religion has a role independent of science, the producers take the typical propaganda route. But this is hardly surprising. It is much easier (and lucrative) to promote the dogmatic belief in the literal words of the Bible then to invite examination. Why seek common ground between the two theories when you can simply demand blind obedience? Tell em that Eve’s apple fell from the tree of knowledge and the path to Heaven is paved by faith, not acts. Jesus’ thoughts on rich men entering Heaven are tough to follow when you’re Tim LaHaye or Pat Robertson so push the resurrection element. “Should I be a good person?” Whatever, just make sure you pay your tithe. “How can we support this war if Jesus said to turn the other cheek?” Haven’t you heard of Revelations? Here’s a sixteen volume series of books where Jesus kicks ass! “But Jesus said to love all men!” That’s tree of knowledge crap kid. Keep it up and you’re gonna burn.
You get the idea. The point is that the Holocaust was perpetrated by a decent, but ignorant, laity unwilling to question established dogma. Hitler’s fuel was a misbegotten racial theory but there was other kindling out there. Let’s face it, unquestioned religious fervor has led to far more wars than any scientific theory.
But the only antidote to blind allegiance is thought. And the religious right isn’t having it.
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Atomic Punk
