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FROM THE PRIVATE JOURNAL OF HELSEN HIGGENS
FORMER EAST BERLIN POLICE COMMISSIONER
Dear Journal:
After much anticipation, I finally get chance to hear English super-hit “Der Kommissar.” At first I honored, considering I am Kommissar of largest city of East Germany and, naturally, I assume “hey, this song about me!” But after listen to lyric I am sad. This Kommissar they speak of is bad man! He have all the power, not the citizen. He make the people die faster if they live, something I cannot understand. But, most trouble of all, this Kommissar clearly have some problem with comrades turning around. In fact, strangely named singers After the Fire so scared they say many time “don’t turn around” merely because the Kommissar happen to be in the same town! Truly, this Kommissar is terrible man!
Turning about on heels is natural act! In fact, it comrade’s duty to turn around if comrade hear, say, May Day celebration, or Lenin body traveling past, or sound of nuclear missile being launch at imperialists! In this case it crime to not turn around yes? And I challenge any comrade to resist the turning around when he catch the whiff of fresh borscht or pass a beautiful fraulein with the onion shape hinterteile! No man — not even this evil dictatorial Kommissar of pop music fame — could resist such temptations!
Of course — like speaking and thinking — every freedom must have limits. Did not Lenin himself say every tenth man should be shot because of idleness? And what is turning around if not wanton idleness? Indeed, if every comrade were to turn around for no reason, this would result in the citizenry turning about all the days! This lead to serious injury and hurt fellow comrades, yes? In fact, I think it correct to say that unfettered liberty to turn around make City into mayhem!
So, in concludes, I think this Kommissar was indeed correct and maybe misunderstood. In fact, I will institute new rule tomorrow forbidding this wanton, lustful, capitalistic turning about whenever one thinks it right to do so. This act will greatly promote our great socialist system and enhance the might of our state!
Unless, of course, it is to witness the passing of a shapely fraulein with the onion shape hinterteile, that never could be crime….
I love the euphemism generator. I spent the fair part of an hour messing around with the damn thing.
Here are the best results:
#5: Hey! Who’s been torching the paisley bucket?!
#4: This is not an appropriate place for angering the trouser groceries.
#3: As the kids say, she was spreading the activity.
#2: Needless to say, I promptly began painting the legendary pork Volvo
And the best of them all…
#1: It’s not ‘buying votes,’ it’s an economic stimulus package!”
The toaster poaches your egg, toasts your bread, and cooks bacon at the same time. Freaking sweet ass toaster I tell you what.
I came across this sniglet on TMQ’s website and decided to buy this book:
Yale’s Secret Weapon: Harvard has so much money because it’s Harvard; Stanford has a mega-endowment because the school was in on the ground floor of Google stock. Why does Yale have so much money? Because its endowment is run by remarkable money manager David Swensen. Yale’s endowment has returned almost 16 percent per annum since Swensen took over in 1985, a much better long-term track record than that of any hedge fund or similarly hyped investment vehicle. In fact, it’s a much better return than the investments made by places such as Merrill Lynch, where the executives award themselves hundreds of millions of dollars for their supposed astonishing expertise. Swensen is even a decent human being, paying himself far less than he could earn on Wall Street. A decent human being in the money-management profession, how did that happen? Swensen’s 2005 book “Unconventional Success” is also the best personal-investment guide on the market. Unlike the phony junk in the get-rich-quick aisles of bookstores — “How to Become a Billionaire in Twenty Seconds with Nothing Down” — Swensen’s advice is specific and practical. I commend “Unconventional Success” as containing all that most people need to know about rational investment decisions and retirement saving.
Unconventional Success: A Fundamental Approach to Personal Investment
Yes he was an anti-American, anti-semitic, asshole. But the man did things that few have accomplished. Not the least of which was dominating the chess world in a time where the Russians were trained from birth and America was a chess backwater. I don’t know much about chess — I’ve just picked up the game — but his antics were both legendary and fascinating:
“When I was a kid, I’d go to the Marshall [Chess Club] early in the morning, and Fischer would be there. There was a cabinet of filed games from the 19th century, thousands of games that someone, maybe a lot of people, had put on index cards and diagrammed by hand, and Fischer would be playing them, one at a time. I couldn’t understand why he was doing it. These were games using discarded ideas — the King’s Gambit and so on.”
The King’s Gambit — an opening strategy in which White sacrifices a kingside pawn to get a quick attack — had long been dismissed as too risky and romantic, seductive only to the blindly attack-minded.
Bobby Fischer, along with his contemporaries, favored other strategies, known by names like the Sicilian Defense (the epitome of a sharp counterattack by Black) or the Ruy Lopez (a slowly building game of maneuver for White). “But Fischer’s argument was that the old ideas were not necessarily bad ideas,” Mr. Pandolfini said. “They had merely fallen out of favor, and by injecting new thinking into an old idea, you created state-of-the-art logic.”
Saying Tom Cruise is an idiot is like saying Paris Hilton is … well an idiot frankly. Anyway, you get the idea, it’s obvious. Just in case you disagree, however, I feel obliged to present the evidence:
6. He Married An Alien.
Scientologist hate aliens; like Xenu, the megalomaniac who stuffs people into volcanoes. Nevertheless, in a shocking turn of events, the Cruiser married Nicole Kidman: card carrying alien and all around freaky lady.
Nic n’ Me
5. He Refused to Make Cocktail 2.
Sources have it that Bryan Brown was practically begging him to make the sequel to Cocktail (tentatively titled Cocktail 2: Coughlin’s Punishments). The script filled in the “lost years” between Young Flannigan’s start at Fridays and the job at that crappy nouveau bar where people spouted off bad poetry. While this may not seem like much of a plot setting, the script did allow Coughlin to make a crapload of new “Coughlin’s laws,” including these gems:
- “The pickled pig’s feet are for the okies, stick with the beer nuts!”
- “Salt the rims! The Salt makes em’ thirsty. If they’re thirsty they’ll drink more. That’ll make em drunk. And when they’re drunk, they’ll screw.”
- “Remember when I said ‘beer is for breakfast’? Well for lunch I like a hot cup of bisque.”
Look, the laws need work but the movie would have been awesome. Plus old BB could have used a few extra bucks in his pocket before he retired to Dobie-Ville or wherever it is he’s from. Fuckin’ Cruise.
4. His Real Last Name is Mapother.
If my middle name was Cruise and last name was “Mapother” I’d probably change it too. But at age 12? At age 12 I thought going to garage sales and wearing black socks with tennis shoes was cool because that’s what my Dad did. Meanwhile the Cruiser was telling his Dad to get bent by dropping the family name.
3. Terrible Priorities
Instead of boning every hottie in LA or making his fans’ dreams come true by giving out Bugatis, the Cruiser spends his time taping crazed rants like this:
Look, Tom Cruise is Being All Nutty Again!
(Yes, I spent the last week watching Seasons 2 and 3 of Entourage, get off my back).
2. Now I’m Not Saying He’s Gay But…
…a straight Tom Cruise should have a better roster than this:
- Mimi Rogers. She was kinda hot back in the day but certainly not “Risky Business” hot. We’ll give him a C+.
- Nicole Kidman. Stop defending her genius work in Cold Mountain. She’s a peanut-head, abandoned alien with an irritating, haughty accent. C.
- Penelope Cruz. A- Okay, she’s legit. So why the minus? Cause she’s the one human on Earth with an even more annoying voice than Kidman.
- Katie Holmes. Bad actress. Mediocre cute. Certainly not worth jumping up and down about (literally in Cruise’s case). C.
Look — gay or no gay — people should think the biggest star in Hollywood has boned a more quality line-up. If he can’t screw em on account of his sexuality religion, he should have at least make up a few stories. It’s laziness I tell you.
1. He’s Fostering L. Ron Hubbard’s Sperm.
L. Ron was a bad writer, a worse prophet, and an ugly man. That’s bad enough. Toss in his love of sailor’s caps and the dude flat irks.
Yo Cruiser, if you must foster-sperm a weird, cap-loving, ugly man’s offspring at least make it somebody cool. Like, you know, David Lee Roth or Abe Lincoln or something.
It’s a given. Shitty trends we gladly waved goodbye to years ago will inexorably spring their well-trodden asses up and the kids will be all into it again, like those crappy Shaggy haircuts and trucker caps from a few years back. In an effort to prepare you for the inevitable, I present my list of the top ten horrible trends that should never have happened yet are destined to return…
1. Boy Bands.
At present the boy band count stands at zero. But just as the Jackson 5 spawned the New Kids which begat the Backstreet Boys, you can bet that — somewhere out there — gangs of baby faced punks are forming together under the auspices of “keeping it real” and “being all about the music.” I’ll even make a prediction as to their names:
- First up,”Tenderness.” They hard, but they tender yo.
- Second, the “Young’ns.” (This would be the black group.)
- Third,”Sweet N’ Sour.” I’m thinking like two street toughs and two mama’s boys. Maybe we toss an obviously gay kid who doesn’t know it yet into the mix.
- Finally, the “Yentl Youth,” the world’s first Jewish boy band.
(To be honest, I would welcome the Sephardic stylings of the Yentl Youth but that’s just me).
2. Comfort Food.
I once paid $32.95 for the privilege of eating a “sandwich grillé à fromage” at Spago. (That’s a grilled cheese sandwich to you and me). That’s kitschy and cute. I’m talking about shit like Turkey Tetrazzini and Chipped Beef on Toast.
3. Grandma Panties.
So far, with the thonged out sluttiness of today’s youth, the grandma panties have yet to return. But it’s only a matter of time. That being said I will take the hotties wearing the grannies over them thong-wearing Grannies I’ve been hearing about.
4. Oversized Girls Clothes.
Baggy, oversized clothes were the bane of my high school and college existence. Ladies got away with murder by wearing huge sweatshirts that hid their out-of-shape asses. Thank us, children, as you thrive under the beneficent umbrella we
crafted by tricking women into thinking it’s sexy to wear next to nothing and make out with their hot friends. It wasn’t always this way.
5. Sansabelts.
I don’t even remember what a Sansabelt was, I just like the name. Which makes me think it’s coming back.
(UPDATE: A Sansabelt is a stretchy waisted pant for men. Like Mom Jeans (bad enough) only they’re for MEN (worse). And here’s the kicker: the belt is built into the jean. It’s a revolution I tell you. Here’s a link. You should buy them now. Next year they’ll be the new sweetness.)
6. Bald Chicks.
Ala Susan Powter or Sinead. Bald chicks are always good for a laugh or two. Unless they have cancer. In which case they’re less funny.
7. The Release of Another Overhyped Google Feature.
For some reason, everytime Google rolls out a new feature, people flip out and proclaim it to be an “Internet revolution.” Google could announce they’re building a toaster right now and fools would start shoving Pop-Tarts into their CD drives. But other than Gmail (which is spotty at best) and the search engine (which is inundated with ads and bullshit redirect websites), they haven’t done crap as far as I can tell. Nevertheless, when they roll out the “Sergei Snow-Cone Machine” next week, nerds’ll cry.
(Yes, that was less of a trend and more of a rant. I apologize).
8. “Roni.”
Roni is some ageless chick who apparently has a mystical pussy and the ability to seduce at least one soul singer from each decade into writing a crappy song about her. See Bobby Brown, Michael Jackson and that other, less know, Roni song from the late 90’s. Poor Roni is sporting a walker these days but that won’t stop this sex crazed R&B Goddess.
9. Wood Paneling.
There was a time and a place when a fellow could exit his wood paneled car, enter his wood paneled house and eat a wood
paneled sandwich. Specifically, the time was 1978 and the place was my Grandparents’ double wide.
And finally…
10. Million Dollar Internet Ideas.
There is NOTHING more irritating than seeing yet another “entrepreneur” on the Today Show looking all smug because he trundled out some bullshit like the “Million Dollar Home Page” or “One Red Paper Clip” and has tricked the media into
thinking it’s a legitimate business. Let’s be honest, these ideas are crap. Do you REALLY think each of those “Red Paperclip” trades was fair? What was that last one — a house for an Otter Pop?
Certain words are the domain of old men. Like “gangbusters” and “rutabaga” and “poppycock.” These words should stay there; they suck.
“WHIPPERSNAPPERS!!!”
Others, however, are not only fun to say but perfectly define a certain situation or emotion. So today I’m casting my vote to wrestle a few of these suckers back from the weak-armed and incontinent; to restore their rightful place in the vernacular. Thus I present to you:
Seven Awesome Old Man Words
7. Lily-livered. adj. Cowardly; timid.
Fifty years ago if a fist-shaking old codger called you a “lily-livered so-and-so” you’d have no choice but to roust that bugger and give him the whatfor. Today’s kids? They’re just confused. I mean, is it bad to be lily-livered? Lilies are pretty and smell good. Is it better to be shit-livered?
This is why we need to rescue this abandoned little orphan. Even if it doesn’t make sense, calling somebody “lily-livered” gets the point across in a way that a “coward” or “pussy” simply doesn’t. Plus it lends itself so readily to the word “cuss” it’s gotta be good.
6. Hullabaloo. n. loud noise and confusion; hubbub
Little known rule: If the word used to define a word is as stale and old-man-like as “hubbub” — you got yourself a keeper. And, let’s be honest, who among us hasn’t hoped to raise a hullabaloo or two?
5. Slugabed. n. A lazy person who stays in bed when he or she should be up.
Slugabed might be the coolest, most useful word I’ve run across in a long time. Speech would be simpler if became popular again. Look at that definition. What other word so succinctly defines that idea? A lazy son of a bitch? Nope. A worthless so-and-so? Not quite there. A lazard? Actually that’s pretty close to tell you the truth but it simply lacks the imagery of calling somebody a slugabed.
Let’s break this word down: What’s the laziest, slowest, most worthless creature on the planet? “A sloth!” you say. Not even close Jimmy. It’s the slug. He’s slow. He’s lazy. He’s inedible. He’s gooey. He’s fat. He’s uncouth. And he’s even got a drinking problem. The slug is one slovenly mollusk. Add the word bed on the end and what do you have? A lazy SOB who won’t get out of bed.
Nailed it.
4. Sneakers. n. Another word for a shoe.
Sneakers may not be great but it sure the hell beats “tenny-runners” and “trainers” doesn’t it? The fact is we never really came up with an acceptable substitute for the sneak. Tennis shoes? I haven’t played tennis since I was eight. Cross-trainers? Too corporate speak. Joggers? (Okay I made that one up).
Just bring back the sneak you whippersnapper.
3. Crapulence. Excessive indulgence, or the sickness resulting from same.
Do I really need to justify this one? You drank too much. Now you feel crapulent. Is there any other word that embodies not only your feeling but the effect? I doubt it.
2. Cockamamy. v. Trifling; valueless; ludicrous.
Old men use this one like they did your grandma. A LOT. Why? Because it’s easy (like your Grandma), ugly (like your Grandma), and it’s got “cock” in it (yup…you guessed it…just like your Grandma).
And, no, it’s not spelled “cockamanie.” That’s ludicrisp.
1. Hornswoggle. v. To bamboozle; deceive.
What makes this word cool is that it is completely made up…by cowboys. Check it:
We do not know the origin of hornswoggle. We do know that it
belongs to a group of “fancified” words that were particularly popular
in the American West in the 19th century. Hornswoggle is one of
the earliest, first appearing around 1829. It is possible that these
words were invented to poke fun at the more “sophisticated” East. Some
other words of this ilk are absquatulate, also first appearing in the 1820s, skedaddle, first attested in 1861 in Missouri, and discombobulate, first recorded in 1916.
belongs to a group of “fancified” words that were particularly popular
in the American West in the 19th century. Hornswoggle is one of
the earliest, first appearing around 1829. It is possible that these
words were invented to poke fun at the more “sophisticated” East. Some
other words of this ilk are absquatulate, also first appearing in the 1820s, skedaddle, first attested in 1861 in Missouri, and discombobulate, first recorded in 1916.
Don’t let it die.
