Check it, I whipped up some sweet coats of arms last night. First I went with the basic fleu-de-lis design with, of course, that turtle from the “Can You Draw” ads that used to be in the back of Parade Magazine.
Then I was thinking maybe the turtle is wrong. I’m up here in the PNW so maybe I should have like a bigfoot or something instead:
Then I said “naw, let’s go with the turtle.” But the basic design needed some updating. So…
Frankly that felt a little fancy so I went back to the basic design. Only with a little something extra.
All my life I hear the constant refrain: “Free Tibet.” To be honest, I don’t know a goddamn thing about Tibet other than what I been taught by Brad Pitt or Tintin. And neither of em said a word about it being “free.”
The truth is these Free Tibet characters are greedy fucks. Despite holding a virtual monopoly over the irritating stoner-flag market, they are constantly bitching about wanting shit for free. Well I say if Tibet is so great then people should pay for it!
Which is why I have initiated the first ever “Low Cost Tibet” campaign. This will presumably get these Tibetans what they want — Tibet evidently — and put a little money in China’s pocket. Anyways (yes..with an “s”), to assist you in your support of this campaign, I decided to whip up a little shirt to express my disgust for these greedy Tibetans. No proceeds will go to Freeing Tibet but I think these shirts are made by Chinese slave labor so, you know, they’ll get a little something.
Uh, yeah, I stuck the shirt on a hottie for marketing purposes. Unlike the Tibetans I know a little sumpin about capitalism.
I promised to stop with the politicking on here but…well I’m a liar. Actually I believe this is an important enough post to stick it here. And the best part is, I didn’t even write it.
*****
When Obama won Wisconsin for his 11th straight primary victory, many analysts said the race was over. Facing insurmountable odds her aides pleaded with her to resign.
But, to paraphrase Robert Frost, Hillary chose the road less traveled. She chose to fight.
She called Obama a plagiarist, a right-winger, a liar, a left-winger, an elitist, a snob and “out-of-touch.” She sold her soul to Richard Mellon Scaife, to Fox News, to Rush Limbaugh. She played the race card, the gender card, the fear car, and the hick card. She alienated the black community, the activist base, economists, academics, and half the United States (but only the States that “didn’t matter” of course). She sold fear: ominous 3 A.M. phone calls, the great depression, and Osama bin-Laden. She threatened to obliterate Iran, to dismantle OPEC, and name dropped 9/11. She gulped beer, pumped gas and shot whiskey. She loaned herself $11 million dollars and racked-up $10 million more in debt. Worst of all, she shopped her plump promises for shriveled platitudes: $30 in false tax relief to a public $5 trillion in debt.
And now, three months later, at the tail end of a campaign fraught with unnecessary infighting, soul-selling, name calling, party betrayal, and reputation trashing, what did she get? What did she gain for taking that “road less traveled by”?
I updated my sweet Clintons of Hazzard video. This time…I took it over the top. Slog through the first twenty minutes to get to the sweet, sweet, Cletus love!
Efuckingnough Already! Global Warming Is Not Causing Everything You Don’t Like In The World
I’m almost at the point of joining the anti-global warming zealots. What’s my basis? The continuing hyperbole about Global Warming. Here’s a little article I ran across stating that global warming is increasing the population of bugs in the world. The deduction that flows is, therefore, that we will see more Dengue Fever, Malaria, and, who knows, Mad-Cow Disease?
Anti-Scientology Protestor Commits Another Pointless Act of Protest
We get it, Scientology is ridiculous. It was founded by an alcoholic yachtsman with a penchance for sailor’s caps; teaches that humans were stuffed into volcanos by an evil alien; and is helmed by a midget pretty-boy who hangs out with Victoria Beckham. But can someone spare us the V for Vendetta masks and artey photo-op protest?
Honestly, a lot of crap in this world is ridiculous. John McCain’s favorite preacher thinks the end days are coming and the Pope is the anti-Christ. Not just a “bad dude,” the literal anti-Christ! And this Country elected a man who can’t even pronounce “Nuclear.” Not just once, but twice!
But you know what might be more ridiculous? This “protestor.”
Is Obama The Anti-Christ?
Everybody thinks everybody else is the Anti-Christ. Personally I would say that you are but for the fact that 90% of the evidence points to ME being the Anti-Christ too. However I think that the Anti-Christ would use his power to get massive amounts of pussy so odds are it isn’t either of us.
Anyway…this guy thinks Obama is the Anti-Christ. The evidence is purty slim on this front so I really doubt it’s him. First off, ain’t no way the Anti-Christ will be black. No way could a black dude pull off all the attributes of the Anti-Christ, they aren’t bred for it!
Okay. I give up. There is nothing good out here today and now I’m just gettin’ pissed up in here.
A couple of months back I wrote this about St. Patrick’s Day:
St. Patrick’s Day is the fraternal twin of Cinco de Mayo; the random, pointless, ethnically-offensive, party holidays. Sure they’re fun but what ostensible reason is there for the average American to celebrate Mexican Independence or the birth of an Irish saint? These are pretty incidental events in the grand International scheme (unless, of course, you’re Irish or Mexican). The truth is everyone knows you’re just using Ireland’s proud heritage as an excuse to get fucked up. Don’t mistake the charitable smile from the “Real Irish Guy” at the bar laddie, he thinks you’re an idiot. Why? Because Danny Boy sucks, it’s fag to say Guiness is “too dark,” and his friend, the bar owner, makes half his yearly profit pitching the Irish Pride to your drunk ass. Oh, and, by the way, every time you give him the “just kiddin’ bro” after you joke about whether he’s got a “pot-of-gold” in his yard, that friendly Irish chap gets one incremental step closer to the inevitable day when he will either pound you in a dark alley or hate fuck your girl (both, God willing).
Please replace all Irish references with Mexican references, all gallic spellings with racist pseudo-Mexican spellings, add tequila and you have my opinion on Cinco de Mayo.
Crazy Hot Hillary Hatin
Call me odd but I find this girl to be hot. Maybe it’s the pure Hillary hate that I find so endearing. Or maybe it’s because she’s, well, hot. Anyway her name is Kandace Melonakos. Here’s her myspace page in case you need a new friend.
Fifteen years ago half of American would have paid good money to see Daisy Fuentes nude. Now, no one gives a shit. It’s the tragedy of modern America: celebrities won’t get nude until their fame declines to their increasing level of desperation. Usually that’s about age 40 and, frankly, it’s usually too late.
Facebook In Real Life
I don’t usually go for these kinds of bits, particularly when they involve British dudes. But this is pretty funny.
Heath Ledger Poised to Steal the Show in the Batman Sequel
I was never a fan of the DC superheros. They were always an odd mix of weird powers that were either absurdly strong or inanely lame. On the one hand you had Superman who was literally invincible (if the superhuman speed, strength and skin weren’t enough he apparently could just turn back time and give himself a “re-do”). And on the other you had a clown like Aquaman who, let’s face it, was pretty much worthless unless the villain’s name was the “Yachtster.”
Aquaman’s Greatest Nemesis: Spaulding Smails.
But even a Stan Lee accolyte like myself loved the Frank Miller Dark Knight series. I must have read that comic fifty times (a first edition by the way but I was always one of those kids who liked the stories too much to stick them in the mylar bags so it’s worthless today). Which is why, in spite of myself, I am utterly psyched by the upcoming Dark Knight movie that opens this Summer.
A new preview was released today and Heath Ledger — in his final role — looks freaking amazing.
Now Juxtapose That Joker With The Worst Super-Villain in Movie History, Jack Nicholson
The Dark Knight clip reminds me of two things that have caused much angst in my life: my disgust with the first Batman movies and my belief that Jack Nicholson is the most overrated actor in movie history. I could explain but let me take a different tact. You watch this clip, then come back and try to argue I’m wrong.
Now which of these guys looks scarier to you, “Dancing Jack?”
Or Ledger?
Global Warming’s Positive Side Effect
Not everything about Global Warming is bad. Take, for example, these Stewards of the Tundra: Icelanders who are sad because their Stomper 4X4 grounds are melting.
Bill Clinton Says “Electability” is Irrelevant
This is from about nine months ago obviously. It’s their main argument now. In other words, this is item of evidence no. 418 why Hillary shouldn’t be the candidate.
Another Reason to Stop Drinking Bottled Water (Beside the Bad Taste)
Bottled water is not only weird tasting, it’s environmentally evil. Evidently it takes three gallons of water to produce each gallon of bottled water, etc. etc. C’mon, if you need science to tell you bottled water is not good for the environment you need to get out more often.
DC Madam Suicide Note Released
I’m not quite sure why they would do this but this case is … interesting. The fact that a Madam and one of her prostitutes have been committed suicide in the space of two months yet the Judge saw fit to seal the record of her clients is absurd. The men were as culpable and, one suspects, far more powerful. I have a feeling this isn’t the end of it.
The Clintons are wily and crafty politicians, no question. But, on the other hand, as Hillary showed with all the drinking and the convenience store coffee buying, they’re regular folk too. Such contrasts: Rowdy yet refined. Fun-loving yet responsible. Good old boys, sure, but not really meaning any harm by it. I mean let’s be honest here: they’re just making their way the only way they know how. It’s not their fault if that’s a little bit more than the law allows.
Obama got up on a little roundball action yesterday. I got a problem with his long pants and tucked in shirt but, other than that, the boy went nuts. So much so he inspired me to make a little vid. ENJOY!
I was watching the “important coverage” of this morning’s shark attack in California when I happened to notice this headline. Is it just me or is this sort of obvious?
I love that. Sharks “typically attack from below.” Below what, the water? As far as I know very few sharks have the ability to attack from “above” the water but they are crafty buggers so who knows. Frankly that would be a news story worth reporting…
Ironically, this headline is almost as useless as a story about a swimmer getting attacked by a shark.
If you’re a Total Recall fan you’ll recall that creepy little mutant kid from the slum on Mars. No I’m not talking about Kuato, he was a creepy little mutant adult. I mean “Mutant Child,” the little kid who touches Quaid’s face and predicts “your career is going downhill.” Here she is looking freaky:
The name of the little girl is/was Sasha Rionda and, thankfully, it looks like she grew out of that awkward mutant stage. She’s the host of a Spanish language show on CNN and, uh, she’s pretty much hot now.
Efuckingnough Already! Global Warming Is Not Causing Everything You Don’t Like In The World
Anti-Scientology Protestor Commits Another Pointless Act of Protest
Is Obama The Anti-Christ?
Facebook In Real Life
Heath Ledger Poised to Steal the Show in the Batman Sequel
Now Juxtapose That Joker With The Worst Super-Villain in Movie History, Jack Nicholson
Global Warming’s Positive Side Effect
Bill Clinton Says “Electability” is Irrelevant
Another Reason to Stop Drinking Bottled Water (Beside the Bad Taste)
DC Madam Suicide Note Released
Atomic Punk
